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First post: Favourite Person + fear of future

S

stgm92

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Jan 13, 2021
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Hi guys. This is my first post here and I just really need to talk/express how I feel really. I am wondering if anyone here can relate to my experiences or elements of it. I’ve had a really hard year and I feel completely changed because of it.

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible but it is quite a long and complicated story. However here goes.

Last April someone contacted me via Instagram and we got talking, they happened to see a live stream I did and agreed with things I were saying etc. Cutting a long story short we became quite good friends (online) and he would begin messaging me almost daily.

We slowly were developing a more flirtatious nature toward each other so although we were friends, this added something different to the mix. As time went on, and he would message me more frequently (and still does) I became very attached. I would say we are both very attached to each other.

Because of the pandemic and the distance between us it has not been easy to meet. This caused me great distress by around August/Sept of last year because I had all these intense feelings and emotions for someone but had never met them and I just couldn’t work out why I was feeling so hurt and sad. I have cried so much, it’s certainly been a process.

The more we got to know each other the more I knew about his past, I became very jealous of his previous partners and even now am struggling with retroactive jealousy.

There is so much to this story but at present, I am still as attached and obsessed as ever. I physically depend on their text messages and words they say to me as almost reassurance that everything is okay and he still “likes me”.

We are planning to meet this year but for some reason I seem to think this won’t happen. Like he won’t turn up or it’ll never come to anything.

I am in absolute mental torture and it’s not his fault. He can be a little hot and cold sometimes but we message all day every day. I really care for him and it’s a strange relationship I guess because of how it’s panned out over this last year.

I can literally be laying on my bed crying feeling like he doesn’t want me anymore and then he’ll message and I am back to “normal” again. It’s extremely hard to live like this.

the truth is, both of us are rather lonely and for me I cannot even imagine a future without this connection. It’s warped and weird but it is what it is. I am just so scared for the future. I feel so vulnerable
 
OmniscientNihilist

OmniscientNihilist

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Dec 9, 2020
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maybe your self-worth has become entangled in another person approval of you. your getting your self esteem from whether they like you or not.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Nashua NH
Part of caring about someone intimately and romantically is being vulnerable. That you have this kind of openness to be vulnerable with this other person is a beautiful thing. Yes it can be scary. I would try to take things one day at a time and not think about the future so much. Maybe to try and pull back a little emotionally so you are protected somewhat should things go south. Try and enjoy this time without anxiety. You are experiencing a wonderful connection with someone that may be developing. As much as possible try to live in the present and focus on that. xo, j
 
S

stgm92

New member
Joined
Jan 13, 2021
Messages
4
Location
UL
Part of caring about someone intimately and romantically is being vulnerable. That you have this kind of openness to be vulnerable with this other person is a beautiful thing. Yes it can be scary. I would try to take things one day at a time and not think about the future so much. Maybe to try and pull back a little emotionally so you are protected somewhat should things go south. Try and enjoy this time without anxiety. You are experiencing a wonderful connection with someone that may be developing. As much as possible try to live in the present and focus on that. xo, j
You are so right and i know this deep down. However because of mental illness it seems to rob us of these joys. However one of my strengths has been to refrain from inflicting my insecurities on this person. It’s me that does the suffering quietly and it’s the only way I can protect this relationship because if were to impose all these intense insecurities on this person daily, there would be no relationship at all.
 
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