firemonkey
Well-known member
Had to see my 'care co ordinator' .She's still pushing me to try a course at the local community college or some kind of volunteering as she thinks i need something to do with my life . I realise that but trying to get past the intense fears/anxiety/paranoia much of it stemming psychologically from past experiences is much much harder.The fear of failure/of being laughed at/ of being punished if i don't get things right and not because i have been bad and last but not least being clueless about the whole social interaction thing ie making small talk/initiating conversations etc.
Was told yet again i am not suitable for psychotherapy . This stemming from abortive attempts with two therapists who were into pushing the 'If you want to mend the error of your ways '(as though you're a bad person) agenda, rather than a more helpful 'you're not a bad person but you need help your coping mechanisms', and an OT person who was untrained in therapy work but was assigned to do some work with me re my anxiety. She quickly told me i needed intensive therapy and all she could do was a sticking plaster job at best. She later announced she was a member of a small religious sect and dumped me when i inadvertently offended her religious sensibilities.
Of course when i mentioned about the two therapists i got the 'Well you do tend to misinterpret things' spiel as though i am a total idiot rather than a semi idiot(which i probably am )
Why is it when it doesn't work with a therapist it's down to you 'misinterpreting' or being seen as not engaging with the 'therapeutic
process' enough ,rather than the possibility being considered that the therapist is a total thingy who could do with a good slapping or cosmetic surgery courtesy of one of Lachlan's knives.
How the beeping hell are you supposed to get past psychological crap if you are not given caring and supportive therapeutic help to do so?
Then again if i wasn't so useless and no good i wouldn't need any help so basically i am a total waste of space. Sometimes it's hard to know who i i hate more them or me.
Lastly i am still doing my walking group but the person(Senior OT) in charge of doing the groups has reduced it to 45 mins from 90 mins .Originally it was more like 180 mins.
That means we are severely restricted re places we can go to as we are right in the middle of town with not many places within 22.5 mins walking distance each way(minus waiting at crossings etc).
I have visions of us doing several laps from one end of Southend high street to the other or alternatively walking frantically in ever decreasing circles for the allotted time(It's supposed to be a healthy walking group).
Am holding back from demolishing the remains of the Christmas/New year drink .Not that there's enough to crash out with -worst crappity smacking luck.
I knew i should have bought some more cans of Scrumpy Jack as that has quite an effect on me which is crappity smacking strange as it's only 6% proof or something which is less than the other stuff i've got.
Have just pigged out on a Co op Tiramsu with white.chocolate so much for the resolution to eat more healthily. Next year i'm making a resolution to show no self control and be impulsive as i've got a very good chance of keeping that.
To maker matters worse i haven't seen or heard from my befriender since the 16th and two emails i sent him haven't been answered.
Perhaps it can be attributed to the Christmas break which officially ended yesterday but i am not so sure as previously when the local college is on holiday(he's an assistant lecturer) he's still phoned and come round to see me.
Maybe he's decided on longer inspection that i am not that worth knowing. Or maybe i'm a gullible and naive fool for thinking it was about liking me as a person in my own right ie in expecting more of it than someone volunteering to spend a bit of time with one of life's socially inept to lessen their loneliness a little and being superficially friendly in the process .
Then again if i wasn't so insecure i guess it wouldn't be getting to me like it is .
Was told yet again i am not suitable for psychotherapy . This stemming from abortive attempts with two therapists who were into pushing the 'If you want to mend the error of your ways '(as though you're a bad person) agenda, rather than a more helpful 'you're not a bad person but you need help your coping mechanisms', and an OT person who was untrained in therapy work but was assigned to do some work with me re my anxiety. She quickly told me i needed intensive therapy and all she could do was a sticking plaster job at best. She later announced she was a member of a small religious sect and dumped me when i inadvertently offended her religious sensibilities.
Of course when i mentioned about the two therapists i got the 'Well you do tend to misinterpret things' spiel as though i am a total idiot rather than a semi idiot(which i probably am )
Why is it when it doesn't work with a therapist it's down to you 'misinterpreting' or being seen as not engaging with the 'therapeutic
process' enough ,rather than the possibility being considered that the therapist is a total thingy who could do with a good slapping or cosmetic surgery courtesy of one of Lachlan's knives.
How the beeping hell are you supposed to get past psychological crap if you are not given caring and supportive therapeutic help to do so?
Then again if i wasn't so useless and no good i wouldn't need any help so basically i am a total waste of space. Sometimes it's hard to know who i i hate more them or me.
Lastly i am still doing my walking group but the person(Senior OT) in charge of doing the groups has reduced it to 45 mins from 90 mins .Originally it was more like 180 mins.
That means we are severely restricted re places we can go to as we are right in the middle of town with not many places within 22.5 mins walking distance each way(minus waiting at crossings etc).
I have visions of us doing several laps from one end of Southend high street to the other or alternatively walking frantically in ever decreasing circles for the allotted time(It's supposed to be a healthy walking group).
Am holding back from demolishing the remains of the Christmas/New year drink .Not that there's enough to crash out with -worst crappity smacking luck.
I knew i should have bought some more cans of Scrumpy Jack as that has quite an effect on me which is crappity smacking strange as it's only 6% proof or something which is less than the other stuff i've got.
Have just pigged out on a Co op Tiramsu with white.chocolate so much for the resolution to eat more healthily. Next year i'm making a resolution to show no self control and be impulsive as i've got a very good chance of keeping that.
To maker matters worse i haven't seen or heard from my befriender since the 16th and two emails i sent him haven't been answered.
Perhaps it can be attributed to the Christmas break which officially ended yesterday but i am not so sure as previously when the local college is on holiday(he's an assistant lecturer) he's still phoned and come round to see me.
Maybe he's decided on longer inspection that i am not that worth knowing. Or maybe i'm a gullible and naive fool for thinking it was about liking me as a person in my own right ie in expecting more of it than someone volunteering to spend a bit of time with one of life's socially inept to lessen their loneliness a little and being superficially friendly in the process .
Then again if i wasn't so insecure i guess it wouldn't be getting to me like it is .
