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Finding a Balance

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Blind Cheetah

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Charlotte, NC
I have PTSD from military service and it has been causing lots of issues. I'm so distant from my family they don't hardly know me anymore. I live in a constant state of panic, fear, anxiety, and depression. Three years ago I took a big promotion and pay raise and it required moving away a few hours from friends and family. The job was great and I was glad that I made the move but underlying symptoms and health issues soon started surfacing. My family had a very difficult time with the move and still trying to adjust in some ways.

My employees started commenting on how I was forgetting things and not getting any direction from me. It was almost as if I weren't there. My boss had a stern conversation with me and was threatening to fire me. Never in my entire life has anyone threatened to fire me. I've always been a top performer and never had a bad evaluation. My boss and I had a good relationship so I opened up a little to him and he had no idea what I was dealing with. He said my staff had come to him saying that I was forgetting a lot of things and was disengaged. He wanted me to get better and work things out.

Several months before this I had fell into severe depression and wanted to die. I hated myself and my life and had no will to live. I remember waking up a lot of mornings wishing I had never been born. This I know carried over into my work life and is the reason things transpired the way they did.

I talked with my family about what I was going through and they wanted me to take a step back and go back to my old job. Less stress and being closer to friends and family seemed to make the most sense. Things were lined up and ready to go for the transition back to my old job until COVID had other plans. I took another job and was determined to not repeat the same mistakes. I stayed six months, busted my tail, worked crazy hours, and had glowing reviews. Only problem is the drive was 1.5 hr away and working 12+ hours a day wasn't working. A company 10 minutes from home called me out of the blue and offered me a job for about the same pay. Now I'm two jobs down the road and scared I'm about to have another unpleasant situation at work. I've had three jobs in the past year and really don't want to do a fourth. Over the last 15 years (excluding the past year) I've only had two jobs. I think I'm hypersensitive to any perceived threats and my mind goes crazy playing out doomsday scenarios which tends to lead to being homeless and living under a bridge. This can stem from something as simple as "hey how is that report coming?" My mind will somehow take that harmless conversation and turn it into a final warning and one more slip up I'm done for.

My wife has said many times that I'm drifting further and further away. She said she can't remember the last time I smiled or laughed. We haven't been intimate in a long time which bothers her. It's really difficult for me to be intimate because of the depression and anxiety.

How can I balance PTSD, my loving family, and career? I'm worried I'm forgetting things, starting to get disengaged, and feels like I'm headed down the wrong path. I feel like I'm paralyzed and can't do anything to correct any performance issues. In reality I may be fine and don't have nothing to worry about. I want to overcome this and hate feeling this way! Once I can overcome this I want to focus on reconnecting with my family.
 
Bipolarbear808

Bipolarbear808

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 15, 2020
Messages
226
Location
USA
Hi Blind Cheetah,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your service. I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling with PTSD. Combat related PTSD is a very complex disorder and it's something that you don't have to suffer alone. In service we're taught to bottle up our emotions and stuff them. But eventually they start to surface and eat us alive. I know most service members don't like asking for help, but you don't have to suffer alone, it's ok to get help and doesn't make you any less of a man.

Do you currently have a disability rating by the Department of Veteran Affairs? If not, it might be a good idea to get the process started. Once you have a service connected disability the VA will pay for all treatment related to your service connected disability and you also get disability pay. If you have any questions about getting started with the disability process, feel free to message me.

If you have private insurance and prefer not to go through the VA, there are medications and therapies that can really help with your PTSD--and I think it would be worth speaking to a doctor about.

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask!
 
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