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Finally saw a doctor :)

BlueBerry

BlueBerry

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Went to the walk-in clinic this morning and saw a doctor at long last.

I told her as much as I could manage... I was feeling quite nervous about actually talking to someone in person about my problems.
I told her about my self harming and showed her the marks and I told her I felt I was in danger of attempting suicide. I felt like I was throwing away my dignity, pride and self-respect at this point. It felt awful.

I told her all about my violent thoughts and impulses, but I toned them down a bit so I didn't say I was actually tempted to hurt anyone except myself.
She was a nice and gentle approachable lady with a very quiet soft spoken manner, which is good because if it was someone with a more commanding authorative presence I would have been incredibly nervous and scared to talk honestly.

The whole thing felt very difficult as I was struggling to remember all my symptoms but I still forgot some important stuff. I'm terrified that I won't be able to explain everything fully and I'll end up with an inaccurate diagnoses.

I was also trying to balance being as honest as I could while toning some details down a bit because I really, really want to finish my Uni course and I don't want to be pulled out and dumped in a hospital for being too dangerous or unstable. :unsure:

I have to go back to the clinic this afternoon to be assessed my mental health professionals more thoroughly. They were originally going to come to my flat, but I hated the idea of all my flatmates seeing this and I didn't want mental health people coming into my own private space.

I forgot to mention some important things like my intense paranoia, restless agitated energy, fear of people and my identity issues. :BLAH:
 
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Helena1

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i am glad you made it. maybe you can bring the other point up this afternoon. good luck.
 
BlueBerry

BlueBerry

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I already feel scared, like I've reached a point of no return and I can't even fool myself into thinking I'm normal now. Like everything's going to change now.

I'm nervous about seeing the doctors again this afternoon. I'm going to feel like a freak put into the spotlight. I'm scared about my mum or family finding out about this. I'm scared about where my life's going to go now and what's going to happen with my university course.

I just hope I can get an accurate diagnoses so I have something I can firmly work on improving things.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I wish i was as brave as you. Well done!
I never told of my violent urges and acting on them and generally tone it down, now i want the help but i just cant motivate myself to get i5
 

MarlieeB

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Well done BerryBum.

That must of taken so much guts to do that. I am so, so freaking proud of you.

I hope it goes ok with the MH team.

:hug5:

xxxxxxxxxxx
 
BlueBerry

BlueBerry

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I had a 30 minute interview with the MH guys this afternoon and they asked me lots of questions about my problems and my background and childhood and all that jazz.

I think I answered as truthfully as I could except I said that I didn't have any real urges to act on my violent thoughts towards others and that I had no intention of doing so. This of course is a lie since I worry constantly that I'm going to lose it sometime soon and kill someone. I didn't want to be put in a straight jacket so I toned things down a bit.

I was in a fairly positive mood by the time of the interview and when I'm happy I can actually do a damn fine impersonation of someone who isn't disturbed or insane. I'm worried that my light breezy mood ended up causing me to underestimate the severity of my problems when I described them as the MH people didn't seem to take my issues very seriously or urgently.

They told me that I don't need to be hospitalised (yay) and they're going to arrange an appointment for me at the local hospital to see a psychiatrist... which will take 4-8 weeks to arrange. This made me feel very disheartened as 4-8 weeks is a reeeeeeeeeeeeeaaally long time when you're struggling to make it through each day unscathed. Like I said, the MH people didn't seem to regard my problems as very serious or urgent and I'm worried I undersold my issues during the interview.

In 4-8 weeks time the damage may have already been done. :(

The doctor I spoke to this morning phoned me and asked me in for another meeting on Friday. She seemed to think 4-8 weeks was a long time to wait and I think she was more concerned about my problems than the MH people.
 
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Helena1

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if you got an appt to see a pdoc they must think it is pretty serious.
maybe you can see a gp or something in the meantime if you need to or do you have a number to ring?
 
BlueBerry

BlueBerry

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if you got an appt to see a pdoc they must think it is pretty serious.
maybe you can see a gp or something in the meantime if you need to or do you have a number to ring?
I guess I could just go to the clinic in the mornings again if things take a really bad turn?
The doc wants to meet up with me on Friday just to make sure things are going okay since she seems to think 4-8 weeks is a long time to go unchecked.

If I feel my situation worsening I can tell her next week. I just hope I don't take another horrible suicidal turn between now and then.
 

MarlieeB

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I said it before but wanted to say again how freaking proud I am of you my BerryBum.

:loveshower:

:hug5:

xxx
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Well done for going - it's incredibly brave and a big step in the right direction. :hug:

I agree that 4-8 weeks does seem like a long time, but i'm glad the doctor you initially saw is going to keep an eye on you. As you said, if things get really bad, you can always go back and perhaps the GP can put some pressure on the psychiatrist to see you sooner.

I understand how you mean about not behaving in a stereotypically 'crazy' way and that being able to have a reasonable conversation can work against you.. but I think that perhaps when you eventually see the psychiatrist, you should explain how your moods change and hopefully that'll help give them a good picture of how things are for you.
 
tabbykitten

tabbykitten

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Brilliant progress, well done you. Could be that your relief at getting something done at last gave the MHT the idea you were coping. Good that the GP realises you need help a bit sooner.
Remember you always have this place to offload.
 
BlueBerry

BlueBerry

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Thanks everyone, I'm still feeling terrible and I definitely think 4-8 weeks is far too long to wait.

I need to just make it to Friday then I can explain the severity of the situation again to the doctor. My mood swings directly affect the way I view and evaluate the severity of my symptoms and problems and I need to explain that to someone.

My head just feels so confused, messy and BLOODY INCONSISTENT that I find it incredibly hard to explain properly. :panic:
 
tabbykitten

tabbykitten

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maybe keep a diary of the way you are feeling during the next week. Needn’t be anything complicated, smiley icon type things will be enough. Then you could show the result to the mental health team. Believe me they will be used to the description of sudden mood swings.
 
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