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Figuring out what it means when your bod girlfriend asks for some space and doesn’t know how long but could possibly be a month

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AGomez27

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My names Alex My girlfriend with BPD recently after getting into a fight went from wanting a break to wanting to break up to now needing space to figure out what she wants. She broke it down by saying she wants to figure out if I was the problem the whole time or her and to I guess get space from be because she said I was her biggest trigger and one more bad trigger she feels like she could kill herself. She’s been in therapy to my knowledge since we last spoke and she said maybe a month she’d need she didn’t know she kept saying then went on to say I could text her if I want and I said I thought you wanted space she said I’ll text you when I’m ready then. It’s already been about to be a month this upcoming Wednesday and I haven’t heard from her at all. And what I see on social media it seems she’s doing just fine and loving life normally. She told me too that there was times before our last one week break she wanted to call me but was afraid to set back progress she’s been making in therapy and that she loves and misses me. She even texted me the last time we talked when I went to her house to try and convince her to not take a break because it’s only gonna make things worse and told me how she appreciated I went to see her and how she loves me the most talking normal but I’m just so confused how is she going this long without talking to me I’m wondering if she’s moving on talking to someone else can’t tell me she wants to break up. It just hurts so much to spend this much time away from her and it seems like she doesn’t care and before she would never go last a week. Idk what to do
 
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MYTIMEHASCOME

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909
I can’t speak for your girlfriend as her mind is her own but from my own experience of similar situations.

We fear people we love leaving us.

google ‘push pull bpd’

basically we fall in love with people and we pull people in and want to be with them and then everything’s going great but it feels so good but if they leave we lose that feeling so we push people away so we’re protecting ourselves by getting rid of you before you leave us and break us and break our hearts then you might come back then it happens again we push people away because we fear losing them so basically we’re cursed.

this is why I’m single ... I couldn’t do it anymore - it broke my heart and I was causing someone else heartbreak so I just gave up.

also the thing where she doesn’t care ... sorry to tell you but she probably doesn’t. I had known my last gf 10 years and one day I said let’s take a break and we did and I didn’t think about it, it was like I’d never been with her I felt the same for her as I would a stranger, it’a a defense mechanism, if you don’t care about someone it doesn’t hurt if you don’t see them right? So she probably does feel nothing for you at the moment - sorry to say. That’s not to say she doesn’t love you and desperately want to be with you it’s just her bpd devalues you so that it doesn’t hurt. You know like when you fall out with someone and you tell yourself they were an arsehole anyway so who cares ... even if you were fond of them at the time

but I would persevere in talking to her tbh because if you don’t that feeling would defo become permanent ... like don’t harass her just drop her a message going are you okay? I miss you x or love you x

I think the most reassuring thing I’ve ever heard as someone with bpd is “I’ll always be here regardless of what happens” of course I then told myself ... people are liars they say that and one day they’ll be gone ... that’s life

tbh she needs help but the only treatment for bpd is dbt, and you might find it difficult to get her to stick with it, it’s great she’s getting therapy but unless its dbt it won’t treat it, it will just give her someone to speak to.

also just to go back to your post if you say you’re her biggest trigger thats because she loves you so something you’re doing will make her think you’re gonna leave

Do you ever have arguments and leave the room? Trigger
Do you ever comment on being somewhere else that she isn’t? Trigger?
Do you ever use phrases like “I don’t have to put up with this” Trigger

I mean you might not be doing anything it might just be that she fears losing you that’s why your her biggest trigger.

you sound like a nice guy but I don’t know how to fix this it’s just how we’re wired she needs dbt. :(

And I can look at your relationship and see what’s happening but like even though I’m kinda aware of what I’m doing at the time it’s a natural reaction to strong emotions and thoughts - god I actually feel low after writing that it’s like you can’t win
 
A

AGomez27

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Joined
Mar 28, 2021
Messages
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Location
Dearborn
My plan is
I can’t speak for your girlfriend as her mind is her own but from my own experience of similar situations.

We fear people we love leaving us.

google ‘push pull bpd’

basically we fall in love with people and we pull people in and want to be with them and then everything’s going great but it feels so good but if they leave we lose that feeling so we push people away so we’re protecting ourselves by getting rid of you before you leave us and break us and break our hearts then you might come back then it happens again we push people away because we fear losing them so basically we’re cursed.

this is why I’m single ... I couldn’t do it anymore - it broke my heart and I was causing someone else heartbreak so I just gave up.

also the thing where she doesn’t care ... sorry to tell you but she probably doesn’t. I had known my last gf 10 years and one day I said let’s take a break and we did and I didn’t think about it, it was like I’d never been with her I felt the same for her as I would a stranger, it’a a defense mechanism, if you don’t care about someone it doesn’t hurt if you don’t see them right? So she probably does feel nothing for you at the moment - sorry to say. That’s not to say she doesn’t love you and desperately want to be with you it’s just her bpd devalues you so that it doesn’t hurt. You know like when you fall out with someone and you tell yourself they were an arsehole anyway so who cares ... even if you were fond of them at the time

but I would persevere in talking to her tbh because if you don’t that feeling would defo become permanent ... like don’t harass her just drop her a message going are you okay? I miss you x or love you x

I think the most reassuring thing I’ve ever heard as someone with bpd is “I’ll always be here regardless of what happens” of course I then told myself ... people are liars they say that and one day they’ll be gone ... that’s life

tbh she needs help but the only treatment for bpd is dbt, and you might find it difficult to get her to stick with it, it’s great she’s getting therapy but unless its dbt it won’t treat it, it will just give her someone to speak to.

also just to go back to your post if you say you’re her biggest trigger thats because she loves you so something you’re doing will make her think you’re gonna leave

Do you ever have arguments and leave the room? Trigger
Do you ever comment on being somewhere else that she isn’t? Trigger?
Do you ever use phrases like “I don’t have to put up with this” Trigger

I mean you might not be doing anything it might just be that she fears losing you that’s why your her biggest trigger.

you sound like a nice guy but I don’t know how to fix this it’s just how we’re wired she needs dbt. :(

And I can look at your relationship and see what’s happening but like even though I’m kinda aware of what I’m doing at the time it’s a natural reaction to strong emotions and thoughts - god I actually feel low after writing that it’s like you can’t win
my plan is to talk to her Wednesday but by the way your saying it i have to do everything. Only reason I’m going to talk to her is because it’s going to have been a month. I personally can’t wait any longer it’s killing me from the inside I need to get some kind of answers. And I’m prepared to move on because I can’t love her from a distance we can’t work on anything separated relationships don’t work like that. If she wants to work on herself by herself then us isn’t important to her anymore. I’ve told her before I always wanna be with you but to be honest if she can take all this time away from me I can’t live like this it’s not a real relationship. Before when we’d fight it would never make it last a week whether it was I or her that reached out but things have gotten a lot worse lately so it’s different now. And yes anything to do with Arabic girls or other girls she thinks I always want other bitches , I don’t have female friends or talk to anybody. She snapped when I posted pics on IG but I posted the same ones not too long ago on Facebook. And said you want other bitches you got all these girls on here you don’t know. Just arguments in general if there’s no understanding or she did something I get kissed about she gets triggered and if we keep arguing it gets really bad. Yes I’ve said things how can you talk to me like this or say these things how are you with me then. I didn’t realize until later on that it’s the worst thing to do I never knew of BPD ever in my life she didn’t know she had it our last big fight made her go get therapy because I told her to stop blaming me for everything for things I don’t understand but want to I said our relationship will get better once you go get help and I’d be there for her and just want the best for us. I really wanna be with her I love her with all my heart and thank you for your kind words but I found this forum to get answers to help our relationship , I found a therapist to get tips and clarity on my situation I bought a program on BPD relationships. I know lost guys won’t do that for anyone my friends tell me they can’t understand how patient I am. I’m trying everything before I walk away I just don’t know how she’s pulling this off before she couldn’t even think about this. I’m sure she’s going through a lot she did say she’s finally understanding why she feels the way she does and is getting clarity from therapy
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

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Messages
909
My plan is

my plan is to talk to her Wednesday but by the way your saying it i have to do everything. Only reason I’m going to talk to her is because it’s going to have been a month. I personally can’t wait any longer it’s killing me from the inside I need to get some kind of answers. And I’m prepared to move on because I can’t love her from a distance we can’t work on anything separated relationships don’t work like that. If she wants to work on herself by herself then us isn’t important to her anymore. I’ve told her before I always wanna be with you but to be honest if she can take all this time away from me I can’t live like this it’s not a real relationship. Before when we’d fight it would never make it last a week whether it was I or her that reached out but things have gotten a lot worse lately so it’s different now. And yes anything to do with Arabic girls or other girls she thinks I always want other bitches , I don’t have female friends or talk to anybody. She snapped when I posted pics on IG but I posted the same ones not too long ago on Facebook. And said you want other bitches you got all these girls on here you don’t know. Just arguments in general if there’s no understanding or she did something I get kissed about she gets triggered and if we keep arguing it gets really bad. Yes I’ve said things how can you talk to me like this or say these things how are you with me then. I didn’t realize until later on that it’s the worst thing to do I never knew of BPD ever in my life she didn’t know she had it our last big fight made her go get therapy because I told her to stop blaming me for everything for things I don’t understand but want to I said our relationship will get better once you go get help and I’d be there for her and just want the best for us. I really wanna be with her I love her with all my heart and thank you for your kind words but I found this forum to get answers to help our relationship , I found a therapist to get tips and clarity on my situation I bought a program on BPD relationships. I know lost guys won’t do that for anyone my friends tell me they can’t understand how patient I am. I’m trying everything before I walk away I just don’t know how she’s pulling this off before she couldn’t even think about this. I’m sure she’s going through a lot she did say she’s finally understanding why she feels the way she does and is getting clarity from therapy
Hey bro

I'm not saying it's all for you to do, she needs to fix herself through DBT that's what I'm saying because at the moment her mind gets triggered that's what happens with BPD, you say she spent all this time away from you but that's what I'm saying BPD means you can not feel anything for people you care about so it doesn't hurt, so she's doing it to protect herself doesn't mean she doesn't care.

You sound very understanding and like you're trying to help her a lot, I hope you can make it work because you obviously care for her, but like you said if you can't you have to walk away because until she gets DBT (Dialetecal behaviour therapy) It's unlikely her behaviour will change.

Hope you manage to fix it! :) i'm sure other people will post on here as well with their own thoughts on your situation

take care hope you find happiness with her
 
A

AGomez27

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Hey bro

I'm not saying it's all for you to do, she needs to fix herself through DBT that's what I'm saying because at the moment her mind gets triggered that's what happens with BPD, you say she spent all this time away from you but that's what I'm saying BPD means you can not feel anything for people you care about so it doesn't hurt, so she's doing it to protect herself doesn't mean she doesn't care.

You sound very understanding and like you're trying to help her a lot, I hope you can make it work because you obviously care for her, but like you said if you can't you have to walk away because until she gets DBT (Dialetecal behaviour therapy) It's unlikely her behaviour will change.

Hope you manage to fix it! :) i'm sure other people will post on here as well with their own thoughts on your situation

take care hope you find happiness with her
Yes from what I’ve researched I heard the same but as long as she’s willing to help and stay in dbt and therapy and take another month break or break in general I’ll stand by her side with the problems idc. I’ve learned to not react so much when people with BPD split say less and just say how your not gonna leave and you love them don’t let everything they say phase you. But thank you bro appreciate you responding I need all the advice I can get. I just hope when I see her Wednesday that I don’t get an answer like I need more time or idk I don’t at all what to expect I expect more. Bad then good
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

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Messages
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I
Yes from what I’ve researched I heard the same but as long as she’s willing to help and stay in dbt and therapy and take another month break or break in general I’ll stand by her side with the problems idc. I’ve learned to not react so much when people with BPD split say less and just say how your not gonna leave and you love them don’t let everything they say phase you. But thank you bro appreciate you responding I need all the advice I can get. I just hope when I see her Wednesday that I don’t get an answer like I need more time or idk I don’t at all what to expect I expect more. Bad then good
I’ll cross my fingers for you! She defo needs dbt ideally or otherwise it will just keep happening and eventually you have to walk away to protect your self if you can get dbt for her do it, or erg is similar in the U.K. emotional regulation therapy
 
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ATiredMan

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Hey Alex, I'm in the somewhat of the same boat as you (you can find my thread on the forum too). I have nothing to offer except my sympathy, it is a shitty situation to be in :(

It all sounds quite familiar, the "my friends tell me they can’t understand how patient I am" included. I really hope it works out for the both of you, and hopefully you'll be able to be happy together. Just don't forget to take care of yourself too. You sound like an amazing person and I hope she can see it.
 
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AGomez27

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Hey Alex, I'm in the somewhat of the same boat as you (you can find my thread on the forum too). I have nothing to offer except my sympathy, it is a shitty situation to be in :(

It all sounds quite familiar, the "my friends tell me they can’t understand how patient I am" included. I really hope it works out for the both of you, and hopefully you'll be able to be happy together. Just don't forget to take care of yourself too. You sound like an amazing person and I hope she can see it.
Thank you man it means a lot to hear these kind words from you to know I’m doing something right. I don’t think she does at the moment last time we spoke she said she didn’t know why but she said she hates me. She was calm though not triggered or anything. It’s the worst thing I’ve been involved with so trust I know just try to educate your friends more on BPD so they mad understand more mine have somewhat of an understanding but still respond like this is a normal girl doing that bullshit girls do playing games or whatever. I’m trying that therapy kinda helps and talking to friends and always working out lol good thing I’m a gym rat
 
A

AGomez27

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I


I’ll cross my fingers for you! She defo needs dbt ideally or otherwise it will just keep happening and eventually you have to walk away to protect your self if you can get dbt for her do it, or erg is similar in the U.K. emotional regulation therapy
That’s the plan depending on what she says to me when I reach on this week it’ll be a month by Wednesday like I said before. I’m just afraid that if I really express my feelings she’ll take it as I’m leaving her so I wrote how I feel and want to reinforce my words in case she gets triggered. She was told by her therapist to get dbt but idk where’s she’s currently at. As far as progress I just know she’s about 8 or 10 sessions Into therapy.
 
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MYTIMEHASCOME

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Therapy won’t change her bpd though it just gives her an outlet!
That sounds like a plan! Hope it works out for you bro it’s a weird thing to be loved by someone so intensely and then pushed away and your wondering what happened - hope it gets sorted though x
 
A

AGomez27

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Yeah I kn
Therapy won’t change her bpd though it just gives her an outlet!
That sounds like a plan! Hope it works out for you bro it’s a weird thing to be loved by someone so intensely and then pushed away and your wondering what happened - hope it gets sorted though x
Yeah I know especially when it’s just regular arguments and misunderstandings or lack of communication. Just disagreements if we went back and forth gave her emotional breakdowns and she’d cry so much. Then compared me to her mom saying only her mom made her like that and triggered her that bad. It sounds like you might leaning towards she’s not coming back or reaching out unless I do. She always did before. Is it a bad idea or forceful I don’t wanna wait longer than a month to get answers and see where our relationship is at or going
 
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