- Dec 17, 2019
Today was a devastating day as conflict arose in my newly developed relationship. I met a gentleman who was the coach 4 children with mental disabilities. He also advised me that he was very well aware of mental health and he could accept me as I am. It's very hard for me to allow people into my life because I have three disorders. Bipolar PTSD hyperarousal and did or what was known as BPD borderline personality disorder. These conditions war with each other and make it very hard for me to be in a relationship. On the other hand, I'm very lonely and I have to explain to people all the time why I don't have a significant other. So I was elated to find out that this person knew about my condition and could accept me for me. However, things took a horrible turn when he decided to tell me that I wasn't listening to God and using my gifts to help other people who had been hurt like me. I explained to him that often times using my gift (Music) triggers PTSD and anxiety attacks and the industry that he would like for me to go into doesn't know much about mental health. to care for me in the event of an attack. My attacks are severe because I regress to a three year old and I am unable to move and do anything for myself because I'm being held down against my will and molested. At that time 3 year old me is unsure what's happening she just knows theres pain, she's in shock and cant do anything but hurt and try to survive. I personally don't like to have these memories they come at least once a month. So imagine if I add the music industry. Pressure stress and lack of sleep ARE some of the things you face in the music industry. Those things will hinder my care. So I advised him that in order for me to pursue music I will have to make sure that I took care of myself first. He commented back well maybe you're just not strong enough and threatened to end the relationship. He also said that I should be able to deal with the trauma flashbacks and still be able to perform while they're happening. He then attempted to show me that I could survive through a trauma and still perform. He placed so much pressure on me to do it and just get through it that suicidal thoughts popped up. I thought of going into the cabinet grabbing all the pills and taking them just to escape the pain and the pressure he was putting on me. I felt helpless and unable to escape. The suicidal thoughts lasted for hours and I began to feel hopeless. Overtime I kept saying positive things took a little more medication I tried to distract my mind until I felt better. I asked him why he would do such a thing to me? And then I asked him to leave me alone because now I'm going to have to do the work to try to reverse what you've done in ignorance. I often times avoid allowing anyone to get near me because people do not understand when they question me like why can't I do what they expect that's a trigger for me! That's the same thing my mother used to ask me even though she was aware that I was sexually abused as a child. Heck it was her fault.They act as if just because you were sexually abused that it didn't do any damage to your brain just your body But it did. The reasons why I have borderline personality disorder as well as PTSD is because the brain suffered an injury during the sexual assault. And I should never have to explain to people why something like that would cause the disease they see today. And I also don't think I should ever have to relive or force a trauma to come forward over and over again just to prove to people that they are wrong and jogging my memory doesn't do anything but cause more damage. I have been through therapy CBT training DBT training 13 years and over the years my condition has worsened. I do feel like people in my life should not judge my condition because they're not going through it. They don't feel what I feel they can't see what I see so why are you calling me a liar, coward, excuse maker and every other name you want to call me because you think in your brain that I can do something that I actually cannot do? It is rude, it is hurtful and it's very hard to trust people who do that to me over and over again. It is like you are abusing me based off of ignorance when you can simply read on my condition, go with me to the doctor, and be proactive in trying to really understand what's going on with me. Then you won't be so hard on me and ask me to perform and do things I can't do without help. I hate it when people tell me I'm feeling sorry for myself, or they judge my character, or they act like they're sick of me and tired of me. It's hurtful. if they went through what I went through and what I go through they wouldn't feel that way about me. I sometimes wonder how long I can last with all of these outside attacks base off of people's ignorance. Ignorance means to me simply ignoring it. People are ignoring the symptoms ignoring the facts and saying that it's in our minds and we could control it. And if we can't that we must be weak. It's wrong!