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Fiancé struggling with depression: complete behavior changes

C

Caregiver0017

New member
Joined
Jan 29, 2019
Messages
3
Location
USA
Hello! My fiancé (let’s say M) and I have been together for 3 years and friends for 6+. I have struggled with GAD the last year or so which impacted our relationship. M has a history of depression and 2 immediate family members with ongoing depression and years of antidepressants.

Over the summer, M was extremely self conscious about friendships and had very very low self esteem. He said I was the only person in his life that cared about him and that he had no friends. In the beginning of October, M said he was second guessing the relationship. Since then, I have been temporary living elsewhere and we have postponed the wedding indefinitely. During that time, M has had significant changes. He stopped his Keto diet which he had been on pretty consistently for 4 years. He stopped going to the gym, which he had consistently also done for 4 years. He began chewing tobacco which he did maybe once a month in the past but is now going through a can every 2 days. Hygiene care has also significantly changed. He is drinking 2-3 drinks per night on weeknights (new habit) and binge drinking on weekends. Friday night heavily drinking, day drinking Saturday and heavily drinking Saturday night. He has withdrawn from old friends and primarily drinks with new friends. He is angry and grumpy more often than not to me and when with his family/ some friends.

We communicate daily and see each other a few times a week however he has withheld that from his friends. He opened up to me a month ago about His depression. I am the only one that knows how he feels. He started medication last week however drank very heavily over the weekend. Monday he was extremely irritable and having excessive sweating despite the house being cold.

I don’t know what to do! Do I remove myself from the situation? His mood is unpredictable and when he is irritable, he is very hurtful to me with words and actions. At the same time, I don’t want to abandon him. I do want the relationship to continue however, it is taking a toll on me. I am hesitant to leave as I don’t want to close the door forever but don’t want to enable it by being there when he needs me during the week but won’t have anything to do with me over the weekend.

Any input would be helpful as I am feeling very stuck!!
 
Z

ziedite

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2013
Messages
302
Location
UK
Hi there... it sounds like a really hard situation for you to cope and manage. I hope that we here can offer some helpful, or just positive words. I think it was very wise of you to delay the wedding... neither of you are in an emotionally and mentally healthy place to get married. Do NOT think for a second that being married will solve any problem, because I can guarantee that it won't. And will probably make it even tougher to sort out. So keep the wedding delayed until he and you are in better places in your own minds.

Meds for him are a good place to start, but has he considered therapy and finding someone to talk to about his self esteem and depression issues? In my experience, without having therapy, meds cannot solve the root cause and only help to keep one afloat - which is often very important.

Alcohol, particular if it is a newish habit tends to be the easiest and quickest way to self medicate and try to block out the uncomfortable and icky feelings. It provides a temporary numbing mechanism, but it does not eliminate the feelings. But that is something that he probably doesn't realise... he thinks that if he consumes the large amounts of booze, he will feel better permanently. But he won't, but he probably won't believe you if you told him that. If you can try to get him to reduce his time spent with his new friends on the weekend, that would help.

Hang in there, we know you want to support him, but take care of yourself too.
 
A

Against all odds!

New member
Joined
Feb 5, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Kent
Hi, you are not alone my husband is the same but also with cannabis, and everything seems to be my fault when he is unwell. Treading on eggshells puts it mildly!

We are going back to the GP tomorrow to have his meds reviewed, will he do that?

All the best, and remember to look after you. I have learnt this the hard way! X
 
C

Caregiver0017

New member
Joined
Jan 29, 2019
Messages
3
Location
USA
Hi there... it sounds like a really hard situation for you to cope and manage. I hope that we here can offer some helpful, or just positive words. I think it was very wise of you to delay the wedding... neither of you are in an emotionally and mentally healthy place to get married. Do NOT think for a second that being married will solve any problem, because I can guarantee that it won't. And will probably make it even tougher to sort out. So keep the wedding delayed until he and you are in better places in your own minds.

Meds for him are a good place to start, but has he considered therapy and finding someone to talk to about his self esteem and depression issues? In my experience, without having therapy, meds cannot solve the root cause and only help to keep one afloat - which is often very important.

Alcohol, particular if it is a newish habit tends to be the easiest and quickest way to self medicate and try to block out the uncomfortable and icky feelings. It provides a temporary numbing mechanism, but it does not eliminate the feelings. But that is something that he probably doesn't realise... he thinks that if he consumes the large amounts of booze, he will feel better permanently. But he won't, but he probably won't believe you if you told him that. If you can try to get him to reduce his time spent with his new friends on the weekend, that would help.

Hang in there, we know you want to support him, but take care of yourself too.


Hello! Thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree with you on it all!

For the therapy, he has been twice before. Not back to back, and not to the same one twice. Several months ago I suggested we see one together but he was very against the idea. If I were to suggest it again, do you think suggesting he go alone or we go together would be most helpful? I feel it’s individually needed before the couples part would be effective however, if that’s the only way to get him to go, I would try.

Last Saturday was the first night he had not gone out in months. He also announced to me Monday that he is quitting chewing tobacco. Right now he is on day 5. He said this morning he needed some space as the withdrawals are hitting him hard-irritability, trouble sleeping and terrible headaches.

It seems like the withdrawal will last for the next two weeks or so. He just finished week 2 of meds. I am hopeful that in two more weeks some of the withdrawal symptoms will lessen and the antidepressants will be more effective as he’ll be on week 4 of those.

Any thoughts on if I’m in the clouds being too hopeful of improvement? I miss the person I’ve known for so long!
 
C

Caregiver0017

New member
Joined
Jan 29, 2019
Messages
3
Location
USA
Hi, you are not alone my husband is the same but also with cannabis, and everything seems to be my fault when he is unwell. Treading on eggshells puts it mildly!

We are going back to the GP tomorrow to have his meds reviewed, will he do that?

All the best, and remember to look after you. I have learnt this the hard way! X

I hope the appointment went well! Treading on eggshells is exhausting for the mind. I find myself stuck in the should have/could have/would have mindset all of the time. It doesn’t get me very far!
 
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