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Feels like I lost the girl of my dreams

A

AllanFajardo1

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The girl I fell in love with has bipolar. We met about 2 years ago. I knew from the beginning about her condition so I learned about it what I could throughout it. It never made me change my feelings towards her. I have helped her and been through so much with her. I seriously haven’t loved anyone as much as I have loved her. With manic episodes and all I never once thought about leaving her. So I have 2 young children 5 and 10 from my past relationship. They are well behave and amazing kids and she loved how good of a dad I am and my kids love her so much at times I felt like she gave them more love and attention then their actual mom. She also says loves me but recently she said she hates me because I’m so perfect but can’t be with me anymore because I have kids and doesn’t want to be a step mother ever. We were about to celebrate our 11 month together and the last month it has been a constant battle of me trying to be there for her and her just pushing me away. It’s been about a week since I last saw her. I was about to propose to her in 2 weeks everything was planned out so this really took me by surprise and I just don’t know what to do. She says she only wants to be friends. What should I do? I love her too much to just be friends it would kill me to see her fall for someone else. But I also tend to think there could be hope if I do stay close to her and be a good friend in hard times. I’m having a really hard time right now not talking to her I feel so depressed cause I feel like it is all over. I am giving her the space she asked for so I am being respectful and waiting it out. The more time passes the more I feel like I definitely lost her. I felt like she was my soulmate so I’m just so devastated right now.
 
Z

Zoe1

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hi Allan :welcome:

hope you find it helpful here


:grouphug:🕯
 
Prettyroses99

Prettyroses99

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Sounds like she wants to breakup and just be friends. Sorry. :(
 
Schwarzen

Schwarzen

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Maybe that's just a personal realization she came to and that's all there is to it, maybe she's trying to push you away (mental health sufferers will often do that), maybe it is somehow related to her bipolar disorder.

I think the first one just means things are over and there's nothing to be done about it, the other two maybe with time things could change? but there's no way to know for sure and I think its overall healthier to just assume it's over. Also, even if you knew this intellectually its a whole other ball game to experience it, but trying to be in a relationship with someone with such a serious issue such as being bipolar is very unlikely to work well in the long run, even if you try to be an angel that sort of disease just causes so much instability in a person.

I say try to keep being friends with her, I think love shouldn't be just about romance and the feelings of ownership that usually come with it, but just generally enjoying what a person is about and I think in the long run you will come to regret it if you outright cut all contact. But only do this if you're going with the expectations of being friends and nothing else, that's the boundary she set up and I think one you should respect.

Of course heartbreak can be pretty devastating and there's no magical cure for it, just time. Maybe make sure to reach out to friends and family for support if you have a solid network, if not maybe consider a therapist just so maybe they can teach you how to cope better.
 
fragrant_violet

fragrant_violet

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Just wait and see what happens

Play it cool. Just say you are still there if she needs you
 
A

AllanFajardo1

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Maybe that's just a personal realization she came to and that's all there is to it, maybe she's trying to push you away (mental health sufferers will often do that), maybe it is somehow related to her bipolar disorder.

I think the first one just means things are over and there's nothing to be done about it, the other two maybe with time things could change? but there's no way to know for sure and I think its overall healthier to just assume it's over. Also, even if you knew this intellectually its a whole other ball game to experience it, but trying to be in a relationship with someone with such a serious issue such as being bipolar is very unlikely to work well in the long run, even if you try to be an angel that sort of disease just causes so much instability in a person.

I say try to keep being friends with her, I think love shouldn't be just about romance and the feelings of ownership that usually come with it, but just generally enjoying what a person is about and I think in the long run you will come to regret it if you outright cut all contact. But only do this if you're going with the expectations of being friends and nothing else, that's the boundary she set up and I think one you should respect.

Of course heartbreak can be pretty devastating and there's no magical cure for it, just time. Maybe make sure to reach out to friends and family for support if you have a solid network, if not maybe consider a therapist just so maybe they can teach you how to cope better.
Thank you for all this. I appreciate it. I just don’t want to be another guy that gave up on her. All her exes treated her badly and I feel like she has a hard time trusting that someone can actually love her because of her condition. I know that have a relationship with someone that has a mental illness requires way more work out into it but that doesn’t bother me at all. I want to educate myself and I have even gone to many counseling sessions with her. I believe that when you love someone you should be there for them even at their worst. I really hope she changes her mind cuz everyone around us thought we were so perfect and even her parents thought so.
 
A

AllanFajardo1

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Just wait and see what happens

Play it cool. Just say you are still there if she needs you
Yeah I’m going to give her one more week and then try reaching out cause her bday is coming up and I’d like to make it a really great birthday for her.
 
fragrant_violet

fragrant_violet

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You are a saint 😇

Definitely don't give up yet but also prepare yourself for the worst just in case

Everyone knows you are her perfect partner. She must know deep down that nobody cab take your place but BPD is such a difficult condition to deal with that she does not even know her own mind.
 
A

AllanFajardo1

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Thank you 😊

yeah I have come to learn and cope with all sorts of situations I never in my life thought I would encounter. I wouldn’t change what me and her have had with anything in this world. What I really don’t want happening is her ending up being alone or with someone that doesn’t treat her right. I feel like maybe I get too emotional because I don’t want to loose her forever and that might be the reason why she took this decision. We are all human and it’s hard to control our emotions at times even when there is no mental illness.
 
fragrant_violet

fragrant_violet

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Her behavior is a form of self pity. No 'sane' person pushes away the most important person in her life. She hates herself and is punishing herself for it. I have seen this all too often
 
A

AllanFajardo1

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Location
Florida
Her behavior is a form of self pity. No 'sane' person pushes away the most important person in her life. She hates herself and is punishing herself for it. I have seen this all too often
This is true. She lashed out on me once about a month ago out of no where for no reason it was very odd but I remained calm and de-escalated the situation. When she was feeling better she said she needed to be punished. She even wanted to call the cops so they could baker act her. I told her never to do that and instead call her family or myself if she ever felt she was at that point. That we are always there for her and love her. I think since then everything has been slowing spiraling down. I really hope this time away brings her back into balance soon so we can talk again.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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Her behavior is a form of self pity. No 'sane' person pushes away the most important person in her life. She hates herself and is punishing herself for it. I have seen this all too often
Not necessarily. She might be pushing him away because she can feel the onset of an episode and therefore feels he and the kids that are involved would be better off without her around, at least at the moment. So rather than punishing herself, as such, she could be putting them first, protecting them, even. She may have become spooked by the pressures or realisation of a relationship with kids involved as well. She may even have been pushed away by you Allan, if you're too full on or what have you. The smaller details would tell us which one it is for sure.
 
A

AllanFajardo1

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Not necessarily. She might be pushing him away because she can feel the onset of an episode and therefore feels he and the kids that are involved would be better off without her around, at least at the moment. So rather than punishing herself, as such, she could be putting them first, protecting them, even. She may have become spooked by the pressures or realisation of a relationship with kids involved as well. She may even have been pushed away by you Allan, if you're too full on or what have you. The smaller details would tell us which one it is for sure.
You probably hit it right on the spot. Yeah she has mentioned this and I have told her not to worry that we can work things out by counseling or other ways. I wanted her to stick it out for at least a month after her new medication so she can adjust to it but she couldn’t handle things anymore. I’m feeling crazy for loving her so much and wanting to be with her so much. She unfriended me on Facebook but I’m constantly checking her profile. Today she said “Learning to be patient is the hardest thing ever 😩 there’s so much I want for my future. One step at a time. 😭 gah the feels” also posted a new profile picture of her gorgeous self and some guy loved it and commented on it ugh this makes me so jealous. Some of My friends tell me to move on post pictures of you all nice looking and Happy and maybe that will get her back but I can’t fake being happy I don’t even care if I look a mess anymore.
 
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