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feels like i have no 'true' personality, everything feels performative

C

chillmoth

New member
Joined
Nov 11, 2018
Messages
1
I never feel like I have any sort of true personality. Whenever others are around,
I run on this form of auto-pilot for whatever seems to work best for that situation.
I feel like when I am in that auto-pilot, Im not in control of who I am and what I want
to truely say or do. I dont get spaced out or feel like Im watching a movie, it just feels like
Im trapped behind glass.

I can feel when it starts, too. Ive entered a room with a few people in it and my brain
turns on auto-pilot for what seems the 'best outcome for me' (which usually turns out to be
socializing and laughing with others). When I leave, say to go for my bus, I cant shake
for hours after the event that Im not showing my true personality.

Ive tried to force myself to give it a go and try to see what I think my 'true' personality
would be, say, quiet and reserved, but thats just as equally exhausting and performative,
not to mention makes most people very uncomfortable.

Does anyone else experience this too? My friend with ASD has said that it does sound alot like I may be on the autism spectrum with alot of anxiety symptoms as well, and Ive researched alot on it, I just dont know whats wrong with me.

I dont feel that way through email and texting by the way, its always
just in person, but I feel anxiety at the thought that Id have to rely on emailing or texting
when in person just to be my true self. Any advice or discussion is appreciated.
 
M

Mr Ploppy

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 1, 2018
Messages
261
I had a similar problem but that emanated from years of mental abuse. I became ‘logically thinking’ and lost all personality and more importantly lost ‘want’.

But that as I said came about through years, and years of mental abuse. If you’ve not suffered mental abuse I cannot think what is triggering your emotional state.
 
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