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Feelings of abandonment

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aero89

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Dec 18, 2020
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Sometimes it just feels like everyone is ignoring, rejecting and abandoning me at the same time. I know this in my head really and its partly to do with me pushing people away. Right now people are busy, some are struggling, some have adapted to current situation. I know this rationally and it's not because of me but it still hurts and I judge myself for it.

Anyone feel similar and how do you manage?

I even pushed away my therapist yesterday.
 
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Bipolarbear808

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I don't think you should be too judgmental of yourself right now, it's a complicated time and a lot of people are confused and scared. But, I think it's important to have the feelings that you're having and explore them. I think its really good that you recognize that you're pushing people away and I think you should ask yourself why you're doing it--when you do realize that you are doing it. Don't worry about pushing your therapist away too much, they didn't take it personally and I'm sure they understand.
 
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LizzieAndTito

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Sometimes it just feels like everyone is ignoring, rejecting and abandoning me at the same time. I know this in my head really and its partly to do with me pushing people away. Right now people are busy, some are struggling, some have adapted to current situation. I know this rationally and it's not because of me but it still hurts and I judge myself for it.

Anyone feel similar and how do you manage?

I even pushed away my therapist yesterday.
Oh boy do I relate to this! I struggle 24/7 with the fear of abandonment and being rejected by my friends, my partner, my family, people on social media, even my therapist! I constantly think people hate me, that nobody will accept me regardless of my efforts. And I would go to extreme extents to make sure that I look good enough, that I'm smart enough, that I'm fun enough, that I'm enough of everything so that people won't have reasons to push me away. But interestingly enough you've said something I relate to even more: pushing your therapist away. That's what I do as well. I'm scared she won't like me, that she won't find me interesting enough or that she will downplay my issues or won't understand so I refuse to build a therapeutic alliance although I'm very much attached to her. It's so hard to open up... But Please feel free also to message me. You're not alone.
 
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Until

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Oh boy do I relate to this! I struggle 24/7 with the fear of abandonment and being rejected by my friends, my partner, my family, people on social media, even my therapist! I constantly think people hate me, that nobody will accept me regardless of my efforts. And I would go to extreme extents to make sure that I look good enough, that I'm smart enough, that I'm fun enough, that I'm enough of everything so that people won't have reasons to push me away. But interestingly enough you've said something I relate to even more: pushing your therapist away. That's what I do as well. I'm scared she won't like me, that she won't find me interesting enough or that she will downplay my issues or won't understand so I refuse to build a therapeutic alliance although I'm very much attached to her. It's so hard to open up... But Please feel free also to message me. You're not alone.
I have some same feelings, but when I am trying to be perfect and someone rejects me then it affects me really badly, like I am doing what i think is right and it's still not good enough for another person, that spirals me down. I lost my temper the other day with someone and they started making fun of me with someone else in front of me for losing my temper, which then made me worse and I felt like the worst person ever
 
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aero89

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It's so tough. To have such a changeable sense of who we are, how others perceive us and how we perceive others. I hope I've not misunderstood anyone. It's helpful to hear others have some of the same kind of thoughts, behaviour and feelings. When I hear people struggling with anxiety or depression or bipolar or schizophrenia... I kind of relate to some of their experiences but there is always something that makes me feel different. It's like deep down I am responsible for my own problems and causing storms.... They aren't. They have a condition, an illness. I blame myself.

I can relate @LizzieAndTito of trying to adapt and change myself for other people to accept me. With my therapist part of me opens up but part wants to push her away by finding ways to change my perception of her into something more negative so that I can disconnect from her. Id be interested to hear more about your experience as people don't often talk about this. I'm told the relationship with therapist is one of the most important parts of therapy. It's important to feel comfortable with them and to be able to open up step by step on your terms and also to feel able to reject and criticise and say the difficult things to them and to still be accepted, heard and validated.

I think i have triggered many therapists before into wanting to rescue me or to take things personally when I've verbally attacked them... More out of fear of them rejecting me or not being good enough. Etc
 
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aero89

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@Until the spiralling is the worst. The feeling at the bottom. How did you get back up from this?
 
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Until

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i also think we push people away before we think they are going to reject us.
 
Blue Opal

Blue Opal

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When I hear people struggling with anxiety or depression or bipolar or schizophrenia... I kind of relate to some of their experiences but there is always something that makes me feel different. It's like deep down I am responsible for my own problems and causing storms.... They aren't. They have a condition, an illness. I blame myself.
I totally get that, I feel the same. But it's not true, is it? Bpd is a condition too. The thing is, I feel that people with personality disorders are looked down on by others ("healthy people). I can almost hear people think: "don't feel so sorry for yourself. Your bpd/other PD is just an excuse, give yourself a kick in the ass, get a job and live a real life like the rest of us."
But when you're autistic for instance, people are much more empathetic.

I am very different regarding the therapist question. I almost don't see therapists as humans. For me, their only role is helping me. They're more a tool than a person. That helps a lot with feeling rejected or abandoned. I know it's hard though. I once had a therapist who was my favorite person. That was like absolute agony. I had to stop the therapy with them and get someone else.
 
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aero89

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You're right @Until

I know rationally that it's a condition too @Blue Opal. I think I'm more compassionate for other people diagnosed with a PD than myself as I judge myself for what I'm think, feel and do. Then there's the shame and guilt.

That's interesting your perception of therapists. I wish I could see therapist more in that way but ultimately I'm desperate for them to accept, reassure and validate me and my experiences as I cant do that for myself. I guess thats what therapy is about learning to do that for ourselves. In what way was that therapist your favourite person? How was your experience with the new therapist? How you maintain that perception of them as a tool?

Right now I have seen on my online medical notes that my doctor was meant to be phoning me for an appointment this morning. I am aware that they have been sent a letter from the psychiatrist who has just diagnosed me with EUPD (I haven't received a copy myself yet so don't know what it says). The surgery has closed so I'm assuming that they intentionally missed me off the calls now. I'm worried how they will now perceive me for having a personality disorder. If I phone or email the surgery I worry that they will view me as attention seeking, manipulative, trouble making etc. The diagnosis itself is actually triggering the fear of rejection and abandonment as I'm worried how people will perceive me now with having the diagnosis. Especially medical professionals. Viscious cycle.
 
Blue Opal

Blue Opal

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I think I'm more compassionate for other people diagnosed with a PD than myself
Yes, me too. I think a lot of us are.

In what way was that therapist your favourite person? How was your experience with the new therapist? How you maintain that perception of them as a tool?
I was hopelessly in love with him. I had always avoided male therapists and still do, because this happens a lot to me. The new therapist wasn't very good. I still remember that male therapist as the best I've ever had. But I was in a relationship and being in love with someone else is not good for the relationship (!)
I don't know how I maintain that perception. I mean I still get disappointed by my therapist quite often but then I will not let it hurt me.

It is my experience too that doctors don't tend to take me seriously. If I have physical complaints I can almost hear in their voice or see on their face that they think it's just mental. It sucks.

But if they were supposed to call you and they didn't, then just phone them. You have a right to be heard.
 

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