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Feeling used

B

Bumblebee2083

Member
Joined
Feb 8, 2017
Messages
5
Location
Penrith
Probably doesn't seem that important but it's been bugging me for a while now.

I feel so used by my friends and even my own family.

I'm constantly being asked to do things like giving friends lifts here and there, doesn't seem a lot but my fuel tank notices it. If i say no for any reason i get given the cold shoulder. I get asked to babysit for my friends kids and even do their grocery shopping for them and tidy their house while they are at work etc. Forgot to add that a few occasions I've been at my friends house at 7am to babysit, leaving my own daughter to get herself to school (She is 12 and walks with her friend) as my friend lives out of town I feel as though I'm abandoning my own child when I go babysit for her.

When I do go out to my friends house to have a coffee and a chat, she barely acknowledges my daughter.

When it comes to me needing help with work (I am a support worker so I work unsociable hrs) I get excuses. Yes i kno people are busy and have their own lives.

I just feel like I go out of my way for people and I get nothing in return. I feel like I'm starting to sound a bit selfish, I'm not I'm just really fed up.

I took my friend to Amsterdam for his birthday, it cost in total 700. I got nothing for my birthday. He wished someone on his Facebook a happy birthday on the same day as mine but he forgot it was my birthday too?
My family are just as bad. I do nice things for them and it goes ignored. My mum throughout my life constantly reminded me to buy presents for my siblings birthdays (even though I didn't need reminding I know when they are) I moved away from home and I once forgot my sister's birthday. I was working loads and it slipped my mind. Boy did I know about it!

Fast forward a few years and my sister forgets my birthday. In fact my sister and my brother have forgotten my birthday for the last 12 years. I never heard them getting grief from my mum. Every year I have sent them something for theirs.

They can do no wrong. They don't ring me or come see me. But if I go home and don't so much as even go round yet again I get grief. (I do go visit my sister)

We recently all got together at christmas. My siblings did nothing but bitch at me for 3 days. Christmas day is my daughter's birthday and she had to listen to them constantly belittle me all day. Needless to say I left early and went to stay at my dad's.

Up until recently I got a load of earache for not visiting family (my mum is poorly)

My sister lives in my home town. Me and my brother do not. They get excuses made for them. They are busy with work and have a family to look after.

Clearly me being a single mum raising a pre teen working full time to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head isn't enough to require a special excuse. Trying to teach my daughter the value of money and to get things in life you need to earn it. Sometimes I don't have the fuel to go home. I also work 24 hr shifts at the weekends. My daughter's dad looks after her then.

I just feel that what ever I do isn't good enough for anyone.

It's funny though because when I say no to doing anything for anyone, because now I've reached that stage, saying do u kno what? No I'm not doing anything. I get thrown at me the few favours they have done for me. I just think to myself I could write war n peace on the stuff I've done for you!

Sorry for the rant. It's just been bothering me for some time!
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
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Admin
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Jan 4, 2013
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24,035
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England
Hi,
Welcome to the forum, sorry you are feeling used. You should put you and your daughter first.
Hope it helped posting, I'm here to listen.
Take care
 
Per Ardua Ad Astra

Per Ardua Ad Astra

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Joined
Apr 15, 2014
Messages
9,791
Location
North of England, UK
If you do too much for people (whoever they are), and are too keen and quick to help, without their reciprocating in any way, many of them will let you - and they will let you, again and again and again :)

You are being proper ripped here, and taken for a mug. Your resources are your own. Spend them on you and your daughter. I would say you have done more than enough for those other fuckers now :)
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Bumblebee, "No." is a one word sentence. You don't have to EXPLAIN. Just say, "No." No further elaboration necessary. You don't have to DEFEND yourself. "No." is a one word sentence. And just walk on or drive away or hang up.
 
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Per Ardua Ad Astra

Per Ardua Ad Astra

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2014
Messages
9,791
Location
North of England, UK
A good old-fashioned, common or garden Fuck Off ought to do it rather well too. Accompanied by a thoroughgoing one-fingered salute, it can be quite effective at delivering a firm negative with conviction ;)
 
D

Dorothea

Active member
Joined
Feb 28, 2017
Messages
25
I kind of get it. I have problems saying no too. Then I end up doing things I really don't want to do. In my case, I've sort of handled this problem by trying to be selective about the people I let into my life. I've been fortunate in that my family isn't made up of users. And the majority of my friends, even if they're selfish in some ways, are still tremendously good people who care a lot about me. However, I did make this one friend once who sounds like the people you have in your life--she was just a bottomless pit. She would gladly take anything I offered her, without any kind of reciprocation really, and she would just shamelessly say no if I ever wanted something in return, even if what I "wanted" was just a friend to go to a movie with or something that really wouldn't require much effort from her.

You probably can't cut off everyone in your life, especially not your family, but for instance, you don't have to answer people's calls. Not picking up the phone could limit some of the favors you get asked. Whenever the phone rings and it's one of your user friends, think for a moment--you could be in the shower, you could be in bed with a headache, you could be driving, etc. You don't have to pick up. And then, maybe when you were no longer in the shower or driving, etc., maybe you didn't notice the call, or you just "forgot." If they get mad at you, just laugh vaguely and apologize vaguely. They're the ones who want something from you, after all. Learn to channel your inner flake. When you know you're going to have to see one of them, figure out in advance why you can't help them with the various things they might ask. It's easier saying no if you have an excuse already prepared.

I think in the right circumstances, being a generous person is a good thing. I really think that in my own life, I've benefited hugely from putting other people above myself. But for it to work, you have to surround yourself with people capable of feeling gratitude. I don't necessarily think that all people are users and that if you're generous, no matter who it is, they'll eventually treat you like crap, because I'm pretty bad about saying no yet I've found good friends who in general really appreciate my efforts. You should look around for some new friends, and make it a point to keep things sort of "even" at the beginning.

Regarding you family, I really don't know. Why would you say your family dynamic is the way it is? Why does your mom value your siblings more? Why don't your siblings value you? I'm always feeling like no matter what anyone does to me, and no matter how many times I swear I'm done with someone, I can't turn off the impulse to try to make them like me. This can be really frustrating and exhausting. But I have to admit that in reality, I'm just too sensitive and these "horrible" friends and family of mine aren't that bad. They really do care about me and would go out of their way to help me if I needed help. Is that how you feel about your friends and family? Probably not, from the sound of it. In that case, you're better off focusing most of your energy on your daughter.
 
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