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Feeling unloved and completely alone in this world

SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Jun 11, 2017
Messages
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USA
I read your posts again. Being bullied,if it's severe enough can cause PTSD/CPTSD.So maybe your suspicions are correct.Maybe not though and it is best to get a professional opinion.
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
638
Life is difficult. I also feel lonely and disconnected. There are no easy answers. I wish there were.
 
Saffire

Saffire

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Uk
I read your posts again. Being bullied,if it's severe enough can cause PTSD/CPTSD.So maybe your suspicions are correct.Maybe not though and it is best to get a professional opinion.
Hi there.Your story was sad and touching.

I hope you find someone that can help you work through all of this.Seems like all the people I know that have been adopted kinda struggle with an emptiness inside of them that counseling has helped.

As far as CPTSD though,self diagnosis is not really a good idea. While there's been many upsetting events in your life it doesn't really sound like the type of trauma than can cause PTSD/CPTSD. Adoption is and can be traumatic but you were so young that you weren't consciously able to even know what was going on.

I definitely do think seeing a therapist is a good idea.And I wish you well with it.

This is taken from https://www.thrivetalk.com/cptsd/
"Complex post-traumatic stress disorder develops from life-threatening trauma or abuse that occurs repeatedly and cumulatively over a prolonged period of time. In many cases, the victim feels powerless and sees no hope of escape. The abuse is often premeditated, planned,
I read your posts again. Being bullied,if it's severe enough [
I read your posts again. Being bullied,if it's severe enough can cause PTSD/CPTSD.So maybe your suspicions are correct.Maybe not though and it is best to get a professional opinion.

Thank you for this.
It really upset me that you had assumed that being adopted is not traumatic enough to cause CPTSD. The reason I think I have CPTSD is because I was non verbal when the initial trauma occurred. It might also be why it’s taken me 40 years to figure out what the problem is.

I believe that Abandonment and rejection are my primary trauma, and I have experienced it over and over again in my life. It’s sort of become a self fulfilling prophecy.

I was rejected and bullied by my peers, my teachers and my parents. There was literally nowhere safe for me to retreat to. But for me, what hurts the most is the rejection I experience from the person I call Mom. She spent so much time telling me how completely shit I am in childhood. In fact that’s all anybody has ever really told me for most of my life. Her verbal and physical abuse of me growing up has been very damaging to me. I know that she must have been frustrated having a child who couldn’t sit still, couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t seem to behave appropriately, couldn’t or wouldn’t listen or remember anything and was defiant as hell. I understand her frustration. It doesn’t make her response to that frustration right.

But if I look at the facts, I exhibit nearly all the traits of CPTSD and have done my entire life.
It was not my fault that I couldn’t be normal, it was my hyper arousal and vigilance that made me so. My over sensitivity to sounds, smells, lights and tastes even made me wonder if I was Asperger or on the spectrum for autism.

But now it has all started to make sense to me.

This has been one of the hardest years of my life. I have cried more this year than I have in the sum of all previous years. And honestly, I just want and need to find a way to heal.

I find it very hard to talk about because it is still so raw for me, and every time I do talk about it, I struggle to get the words out because I can’t breathe for crying.

I’m tired of being an emotional mess. I want solutions.

So yes, at the moment it is a self diagnosis, but I think a formal diagnosis would be good too. Which is why I am trying to find an appropriate professional in the South of England. *recommendations greatly appreciated

Just for anyone who is interested or going through something similar, there are 2 books that I have found to be very helpful and informative.

1) The Primal Wound - Nancy Verrier (understanding the adopted child)

2) CPTSD From surviving to Thriving - Pete Walker
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
638
I know the feeling well. I have acquaintances also, but friends that care are rare to non-existent. Life is so difficult, particularly for those of us with mental health problems. I was bullied and beaten also as a child. I am sure I am still experiencing the after effects of this. I don't know what the answer is. I just try to cope the best I can, but I am not very successful with my coping much of the time. I hope you are somehow able to find some peace. It is all we really strive for, peace of mind, but it is so difficult to achieve.
 
Saffire

Saffire

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Uk
Thank you for your response.
I am sorry that you had those experiences growing up. It’s very sad how cruel we can all be to each other, and how that cruelty scars us and leaves us feeling damaged and unworthy of love and care. Makes us unable to see any value in ourselves. I have been trying to learn to love myself, not doing so great on that front just yet, but I think a may have made some progress in liking myself a little more than I used to.

Yes, it is indeed a lonely life. Earlier this year I literally didn’t even have any acquaintances to talk to, let alone a friend. It was truly awful. So I really feel for anyone feeling as lonely as I was then.

I have however met some lovely people this year, a lot of whom are going through their own trials and tribulations, some of them quite similar to mine in some ways. So it has been really refreshing and cathartic to be able to share with them. So I am starting to have a little bit of a support network, or at least a friend or two to just listen.

It’s not everything and all these friendships are still quite new. But I am feeling less alone and isolated, and I think that makes a world of difference.

I’m sending you a big hug. Please stay in touch,
 
I

indigo6

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Joined
Jan 30, 2019
Messages
1,420
Location
UK
Just about everything is down to your parents. Biological isnt issue. It happens when biological too. Its that they have run out of patience, have their own issues and shortcomings character wise. I know someone who is 40 and her father is her servant. She makes use of that to. I have termed a crude expression...she cant go to the bathroom without him sitting outside it with the toilet paper. She speaks to him like hes the Butler. She has a mother. A fantastic fella who gives her an amzing life. a beautiful child. Its how it is.
You dont have the luxury of this, neither do nor did I and maybe a few others on here.
Our parents are to answer for alot in life. Thats absolute fact. You can read that anywhere.
The amount of times you mention them, the constant forgiving or accepting of the. In 2 minds almost but do understand that they love you, have materially supported you but are emotionally negligent. We can love people but we may not like them. I have been like this too. Its ok to say this.
Then as you are aware you have mh issues which havent been addressed consistantly? wouldyou say? Meds for 7 years isnt the holy grail.
Friends, you didnt miss much from what I see in socially successful outgoing so called normal people...they often have fake friends and good time buddies. Human relationships are so difficult.
The nicest people can struggle to find genuine people and in fact can often attract the very opposite.
I have often in my ponderings thought about being adopted, how those children feel. I have shed a tear for them. i had been an unplanned pregnancy a begrudged one.
All my years of thinking I know that just because a person is a parent, doesnt mean theyre grown up. That our parents and early years are crucial and its the luck of the draw-go back to the spoilt madam I mentioned. And just how is that your fault? It isnt.
Please find the right help and support. Do you have wellbing prescribers at your GP surgery? If so ask for one
 
Saffire

Saffire

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Uk
Just about everything is down to your parents. Biological isnt issue. It happens when biological too. Its that they have run out of patience, have their own issues and shortcomings character wise. I know someone who is 40 and her father is her servant. She makes use of that to. I have termed a crude expression...she cant go to the bathroom without him sitting outside it with the toilet paper. She speaks to him like hes the Butler. She has a mother. A fantastic fella who gives her an amzing life. a beautiful child. Its how it is.
You dont have the luxury of this, neither do nor did I and maybe a few others on here.
Our parents are to answer for alot in life. Thats absolute fact. You can read that anywhere.
The amount of times you mention them, the constant forgiving or accepting of the. In 2 minds almost but do understand that they love you, have materially supported you but are emotionally negligent. We can love people but we may not like them. I have been like this too. Its ok to say this.
Then as you are aware you have mh issues which havent been addressed consistantly? wouldyou say? Meds for 7 years isnt the holy grail.
Friends, you didnt miss much from what I see in socially successful outgoing so called normal people...they often have fake friends and good time buddies. Human relationships are so difficult.
The nicest people can struggle to find genuine people and in fact can often attract the very opposite.
I have often in my ponderings thought about being adopted, how those children feel. I have shed a tear for them. i had been an unplanned pregnancy a begrudged one.
All my years of thinking I know that just because a person is a parent, doesnt mean theyre grown up. That our parents and early years are crucial and its the luck of the draw-go back to the spoilt madam I mentioned. And just how is that your fault? It isnt.
Please find the right help and support. Do you have wellbing prescribers at your GP surgery? If so ask for one
Thank you for your response!

Yes, I think you are absolutely right. There are no qualifications required to have kids, and there is no training provided on how to parent. So yes, it is pot luck parenting. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

I know intellectually that my parents love me and they worry about me constantly. It does not make me feel loved, valued or understood. I also understand that they have their own hang ups and issues and things that have moulded and shaped them into the somewhat neurotic parents that they are. I appreciate all they have done for me, and I know they really tried. That doesn’t change the fact that damage was done on all sides and that we all hurt immensely.

I have always been better at caring for others than for myself. So I have never been great at going to the doctors or asking for help. I have to be nearly dying before I go to a doctor. And even when you do go, there never seems to be enough time to talk about more than the medical issue you came in for.

I have also been really struggling with my health lately. I’ve had severe and incapacitating abdominal pain on a couple of occasions that makes me break out in fevers, sweats and vomiting. Literally leaves me unable to move as even breathing is painful. I went to the Dr about this last year and about 2 months ago. I had blood tests and an ultrasound but haven’t heard back from my GP. Is this normal? Or is no news good news? I haven’t a clue.

That is the second time I have been to see a GP in about 5 years. Both occasions were for the same abdominal agony.

I haven’t had any medical, psychological or wellbeing support pretty much ever.

I get my sertralin without a prescription from another country, so haven’t had any supervision there either. ( I have always been in charge of my own medication and I have been able to reduce my dose to once a week.
I would ideally like stop taking that too, but honestly I scared of becoming unhinged. So I just keeping my dose to a minimum at the moment.

I’ve been meaning to make a long appointment with my GP, but I go to work for 2 weeks at a time so scheduling is difficult. I literally won’t have time to go to the GP until next month. But I am trying to find help, just not very successfully at the moment.

I live in hope.
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
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Location
USA
I'm sorry I misjudged @Saffire .I didn't know there was abuse and other things in your childhood.You very well could have CPTSD

I was going by when you said: "I come from a nice normal family, I even had a mostly great childhood".

And I wasn't saying that adoption isn't traumatic,just that according to diagnostic criteria it's not considered the type of trauma that would warrant the diagnosis.

I wish you well on your healing journey
 
J

JCPraha

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Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
638
I am glad things are improving for you. At least you have some connection with some other people, that is good for you. All of us need some type of support system. It is important to have love for your self, although it is somewhat difficult in my case.

It does make a big difference if you feel less isolated. Being isolated is a terrible feeling. I know how it feels, and it is quite bad. It is also not easy sometimes to make connections with others. I am glad you have enjoyed some success. It's great you met some nice people.

Take care, and let me know how you are doing. I am struggling currently.
 
Saffire

Saffire

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Uk
Thank you for your kind words and support.

Tell me more about what’s going on with you at the moment. Hugs
 
J

JCPraha

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Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
638
I am in a rather difficult situation. I have been quite depressed and anxious. I have been living and working in Prague for the past 20 months. I am somewhat isolated here. I have a Czech wife but our relationship has been difficult. Like most people, she can't understand my depression. She has filed a divorce. I am not sure where I will go or what I will do. My mental state is not very strong, so it is difficult for me to make rational decisions. I have been working here for the past year and a half, although my ability to work has declined due to my poor mental state. I am receiving treatment, and my latest meds seem to help, but I am still not in a strong position. I am just trying to survive, really.

I hope things are far better for you than for me. But, we try to persevere and find some type of peace and solution. Mental health problems are really terrible. They tend to remove any joy one may experience in life.
 
Saffire

Saffire

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Uk
I am in a rather difficult situation. I have been quite depressed and anxious. I have been living and working in Prague for the past 20 months. I am somewhat isolated here. I have a Czech wife but our relationship has been difficult. Like most people, she can't understand my depression. She has filed a divorce. I am not sure where I will go or what I will do. My mental state is not very strong, so it is difficult for me to make rational decisions. I have been working here for the past year and a half, although my ability to work has declined due to my poor mental state. I am receiving treatment, and my latest meds seem to help, but I am still not in a strong position. I am just trying to survive, really.

I hope things are far better for you than for me. But, we try to persevere and find some type of peace and solution. Mental health problems are really terrible. They tend to remove any joy one may experience in life.

Oh my friend, it sure does sound like things are really tough for you at the moment. I wish I could give you a bit of golden advice that could sort you right out. Unfortunately, it’s never that simple or easy.
All I can recommend is trying to do one or two things a day that you either enjoy or that connects you to others. Try taking a walk, or having a chat with someone while you wait in a queue. I know these aren’t big things, but they are things that help me to feel a little less lonely and isolated. (Sometime I can’t face others because I’m scared that if I talk to someone I may not be able to hold it together and end up breaking down in tears. Just embarrassing. But not every day is like that. )

Know that you have people here who are prepared to listen and understand exactly what you’re going through. Keep talking and keep sharing. Maybe together we can find a little understanding.

Sending you a big hug!
 
J

JCPraha

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Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
638
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I try to reach out to people. Mostly they are too busy to talk to frequently, I suppose you would call them acquaintances. I hope things are better for you! Take care, and thanks for sharing. I feel rather lonely and disconnected, but I keep trying.
 
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