Feeling unloved and completely alone in this world

Saffire

Saffire

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Uk
I am really struggling at the moment. I feel abandoned and completely alone in this world. In fact I feel like I have always been alone and always will be alone. Like I have never really belonged at all. Like I just don’t matter.
I feel like all I have ever wanted is to be loved and accepted, and it is the one thing that has been denied me.

Thais my story ...

I come from a nice normal family, I even had a mostly great childhood. The rest of my family are very normal, and even a little boring. Then there’s me... I’ve always been a little different, sort of wild and free. But ever the black sheep. My mother says that as soon as I could talk all I said was “No” and as soon as I could walk all I did was run away. She also says that my shit didn’t really start until I was 7. I was disruptive in school, unable to concentrate and many more things.
At which point I was taken to every paediatrician, psychologist, psychiatrist, neurologist and anyone else my parents thought could help me. I’ve had more EEG’s and IQ tests than I can count. And that was all before I was even a teenager.
I hated all the testing, it used to make me feel ill and exhausted before it even started.

My mother always told me not to tell the psych professionals that I was adopted, because she though that they would jump on that and not look for the real cause. But I wonder now if that is not at least part of the problem.
I feel a great sense of abandonment over being adopted. I was a day or two old when it happened, and obviously have no memory or sense of trauma over it. I am also truly grateful for the parents I do have. But, to know that my birth mother gave me away... well quite simply, it hurts. ( intellectually I know that there was probably good reason for this, but that doesn’t change how I feel.) Abandoned.

So I grew up in a house with 2 parents and a brother. All of them quite “normal”. My parents hate mess, clutter or chaos of any kind. Everything has a place and everything belongs in it’s place. Mistakes were not encouraged, and my parents would become very impatient if I was doing something wrong (which I nearly always was). A direct quote from my mother is: “If you can’t do it right the first time, don’t bother doing it at all.” So it was a very strict upbringing, one that I found challenging.
I learned from a very early age, not to go to my mother for sympathy. If you were sick or had a bad dream, don’t go to mom, you will be shouted at. At least I could go to my dad, who was always sympathetic and willing to help.
My mother is not what I would call a warm or affectionate person. All I ever wanted was her love and affection, but I just don’t think she was capable of giving that to me. It stings somewhat that her and my brother are very close, but they are also very similar, and so I suppose that’s just how it is. I don’t think I made it easy for her to love me either, as I was a naughty little shit, and always causing trouble of some sort.

I went to a new school when I was 9 years old, and from the get go I was bullied. I had 90 children my age, who went out of their way to make me feel like shit at every opportunity. I never told my mother, because she always made it very clear that she did not get involved in kids arguments. And so I defended myself the only way I knew how, with violence and swearing when pushed to it, but otherwise I would retreat as much as possible. This was very hard on me as a natural extrovert, I have never enjoyed isolation. So I felt very alone, vulnerable and undefended. The bullying went on in front of teachers and they did nothing to stop it. My parents eventually found out what was going on, because a substitute teacher told them at a parents evening. They tried to intervene, but nothing ever really improved, and after 18 months of hell at that school, they returned me to the first school I had attended. There I was bullied by the teachers, on more than one occasion I was made to stand in front of the class and told how worthless I was.

I still gave trouble, not listening, not doing homework, etc. I was Hyperactive. I was still being taken from pillar to post trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was put on various medications and supplements to help with my ADHD. Eventually I felt controlled. Like if my parents or teachers didn’t like how I was behaving, they would give me a tablet so I would be more how they wanted me to be. I went through the mill, and doctors made mistakes along the way. I was given conflicting medications and spent my 13th birthday outside the headmasters office as none of my teacher would have me in their class. ( not my fault, but I still had to live through the nightmare.

I was constantly in trouble. Everything I did was wrong. I had no forethought... I got as far as... “ that sounds like fun” and never stopped to consider the consequences. So I was constantly being told by my teachers and parents how awful I was, and why can’t I just behave myself, do as I’m told and think before I act. I never had an answer for them.

Then teenage angst hit, and I suffered terribly with low self esteem, feeling worthless and like the world would be a better place without me in it. I never shared any of these feelings with anyone. I used to self harm because physical pain was less painful than emotional pain. I wasn’t getting on with my mother or father, and they were having problems of their own.
My mother and I fought all the time, and then she would stop speaking to me, just completely ignore me, sometimes for up to 2 weeks at a time. When she eventually spoke to me again I would be overjoyed and excited, I would usually jump around with glee and accidentally break something... and end up straight back in the dog box. I just couldn’t do anything right.

Just after my 18th birthday, I had a huge fight with my mother, and my dad came after me, ever the peace maker (poor sod always got caught in the middle). He asked me if I wanted to go overseas and au pair, I said “no”. He asked what I did want. I said that I wanted to go overseas and do what I want... 5 days later I was on a plane to the other side of the world.

I felt shunned. But in retrospect, it was probably the best thing for me. It was definitely good for my parents. Life was less chaotic for them without all my constant drama and mood swings.
The time away from my parents and their restrictions was really freeing. Though with my new found freedom, I immediately reigned myself in and started being more responsible. Life was a little rocky at times over the next few years, though always an adventure. I changed jobs... a lot, moved a lot, but I enjoyed life and that something new and exciting was always happening.
I found love at 21, was absolutely smitten, thought I had met my soulmate, the person I would spend the rest of my life with. But my moods were too much to deal with. I ended up heartbroken and destroyed for nearly 4 years. I thought I would never get over it. I fell into a deep depression, but never sought help. I had had enough of being poked and prodded and analysed as a kid.

Somehow I made it through. I don’t know how, but I did. Eventually, in my early 30’s I was once again going through a tough time. I was unhappy with every aspect of my life. I hated my job, I hated my partner, I hated everyone and everything, especially myself. I went to the doctor and asked for help. My GP prescribed me some antidepressants, and life improved dramatically. I was more even tempered, less filled with rage and hate, and I was generally a more amiable person to be around. When I’m good, I’m really really good, but when I’m bad, I’m awful.

I am now 40 years old, I have been on and off sertralin for the last 7 years, more or less, and more on than off. I have noticed myself going downhill the last 3 years. I have been putting on weight and am now 30kg overweight. I look terrible, and I feel terrible about myself. I am really only comfortable in tracksuit pants now, and I don’t want to go out because I don’t want to be seen. I just want to disappear. I joined a gym, wanting to make some real change, but I’m too embarrassed to go. Too caught up in my own head. I wish I could just get over myself.

I thought, as gym is not working out so well for me just yet, I should try and tackle things from the other side, so I’ve started to do the bulletproof diet. I’ve done my research, and it all sounds fantastic. Eat as clean a diet as you possibly can, organic veg, quality meat and quality fat. No carbs or sugar, and adding a few healthy supplements to your diet and you should start to feel amazing. They say you’re supposed to have boundless energy, mental clarity, the ability to focus like never before, and it also has the effect of balancing your hormones, and mental/emotional state.

So I’m really trying to make some positive change. I need to lose some weight to feel good about myself, because right now I just feel like a fat worthless blob.

I’ve had some emotional drama in the last 6 weeks, which is having a pretty detrimental effect on my life...

6 weeks ago, I went to visit my parents. I haven’t been in the best place for a while and thought some quality time with my parents would do me some good. I was there a week when my mother caught me rolling a joint. Well that did not go down well at all. As I said they are very uptight people, and they worry more about what the neighbours will think than anything else. So, it was kind of uncomfortable at my parents house. I said to my mother, if it’s going to be awkward then I’ll leave. She said that yes, it is awkward and when was I going? So I packed most of my things and left immediately. I didn’t go far, in the hopes that there would be a change of heart. (Ever the optimist. Not sure what I was hoping for, but got the kick in the teeth all the same. I got a message from my father, saying that my things were on the patio, and can I collect them as they have no room to keep them or any use for them. This made me feel disrespected. They couldn’t even keep my things indoors for 2 days while I saw the area and hoped for a miracle. So I went and collected my things and made the long trip home.

We had to communicate because I had placed an amazon order for them, and it hadn’t arrived. So there was a lot of back and forth re, cancelling and refunding the order. But it was strained communication. So mother’s day happened. I sent her a card, because if I didn’t it would be taken as a personal slight. My mother is very sensitive to any hint of criticism, but boy can she dish it out! She said thanks for the card. I said you’re welcome, lots of love.

Then the other day, she sends me a message. “ Think about you lots, just wish we had a better understanding of each other. Please take care of yourself.” I responded “ I think about you it’s too, sorry I can’t be the daughter you wanted. All I have ever wanted is your love and affection, and yet all I feel, is completely unworthy and more alone than I have ever felt.” She said “That’s not the case. I think the problem lies in not understanding each other. We love you, but find it hard as we do find you volatile and irrational at times. I said “ thank you for saying that, it means a lot to me, but I hurt a lot, and I know you do too. I don’t just love you, I adore you and that is why it hurts so much.” She said that we should try and be accommodating with each other as we are very different... So that’ the gist of that conversation.

I had to message her today, as I was filling out a medical questionnaire and had to ask what viruses I had and when. ( I have an appointment booked with a functional doctor. I want to find out what is going on in my body and how I can improve my health, energy and mood.) See I really am trying. So she gave me the info I needed and said she just had a response to an email she had sent to an old friend, and that she would fwd to me if interested. To be nice, I said yes, please forward. ( my parents are god parents to the old friends children, they haven’t been in touch much for many years, but I struck up a friendship with the daughter about 10 years ago, and my parents see me as being able to fill them in on the ins and outs of these people’s lives.)

So I get the email, and my parents want to know who someone is... are they a friend or more. So I read the email, and I honestly don’t know, but from the context I pieced it together. Then I read the email that my mother had sent the friend. And this is what really upset me. My mother brought them up to date on their move and other things in their lives. She filled them in on my brother, his wife and two children and their news. But not a single mention of me. ( I lost contact with the daughter about 5 years ago, and my parents know this. So there can be no assumption on their part that we are still in touch.)

This really made me feel incredibly hurt, worthless and insignificant. Like I just don’t matter. I don’t feature in their lives.
This only further amplifies my feelings of being completely alone in this world. With not a sole to turn to for support, or even a friend to listen. It makes me angry too. It makes me feel like I want to cut all contact with my family, because I am so tired of feeling hurt and disrespected.

I really don’t know how to deal with this. Do I cut them off? Do I confront them? I feel that only validates their point that I am “volatile and irrational.” Do I ignore it and just swallow the pain? I am completely devastated.

I feel like I am just finally realising that as “nice” as my parents are, they are never going to be able to accept me as I am, warts and all. That my mother will never be able to show me any genuine affection, because I have caused her so much stress and anxiety, that she perhaps finds it hard to muster those feelings for me, let alone show them. I feel like she has shut me out and shut me down, broke me down and never ever really had any compassion for what I go through.

I don’t have any friends. Sure I have acquaintances, but none of my “friends” actually give a shit about me. I feel like my parents say they care, say they love me, but it feels like lip service. They aren’t actually able to give me the kind of love, support or understanding I actually need. They are not bad people, and god love them for trying, but sometimes I feel like they shouldn’t have had kids. Shouldn’t have adopted me. I feel like my mothers love is conditional. If I try and be what she wants me to be, then I can have a little love and approval, at least until my next fuck up. I feel like I am not allowed to have any big feelings, and not allowed to express them.

I am so tired of hurting, and so tired of crying. I need to find a way to heal, but I just don’t know how.


There is more to this story, other details and incidence that I feel demonstrates my point. There is also the other side of the story, her side. I am trying to be logical about this, trying to see the other side of the coin. Intellectually I understand they love me, but emotionally I feel neglected, I feel abandoned by her when I’ve needed her to defend and support me most. I have never felt like my feelings were validated. I want to shout, why can’t you just love me as I am?
 
mischief

mischief

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Dec 9, 2007
Messages
11,885
Location
The World
:welcome: to the forum!

I'm just popping by to say hi and welcome before I head to bed.

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I can't reply fully at the moment as I need to sleep!
 
Saffire

Saffire

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Uk
I thought this was supposed to be a place of friendly support.
I have seen lovely kind words and some friendly advice given to others. But clearly there is no help for me.
I reached out because I have no one. And I was proved right... nobody cares.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,602
Location
England
Hi,
I'm so sorry, only just seen your post.
Have you ever had any therapy? It might help.
I hope you get more replies.
Thanks for sharing your story, your very brave.
Hear to talk if you need someone.
Take care
 
mischief

mischief

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Dec 9, 2007
Messages
11,885
Location
The World
Hi Saffire

I's sorry no one else has yet replied. I'm sure people will in time. When I read your initial post last night I was impressed with how much detail it contained. I'll take a read now.
 
mischief

mischief

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Dec 9, 2007
Messages
11,885
Location
The World
If you don't mind me asking, where did you go to on the other side of the world? How long were you there for? What sorts of things did you do while you were there?

I'm asking this as I'd like to learn more about you. I come from the other side of the world so I am always interested to hear people's stories about their time down my way, if that where you went. I come from New Zealand.

How do you want things to change? What would your ideal life be? how could you get there? What help do you need to get there?
 
P

PsychoPrince

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
95
Location
Indy
You are very strong to have made it this far, Saffire. We are here for you. If you can muster up the strength to come back and read this, we will give you strength to face the rest of your travails. Come and talk?
 
daffy

daffy

Well-known member
Moderator
Founding Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,193
Location
hiding behind the sofa
Hi there Safire it seems as if you’ve got an awful lot burning inside that you need to get out. Are your brothers adopted as well or are they biological. Because that could explain why you feel left out. I really think it’s therapy that you need and someone to talk thru your problems.
Also is it your daughter that you lost contact with. Or am i mistaken in that.
 
B

Bert198037

New member
Joined
Apr 27, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Sudbury uk
I am really struggling at the moment. I feel abandoned and completely alone in this world. In fact I feel like I have always been alone and always will be alone. Like I have never really belonged at all. Like I just don’t matter.
I feel like all I have ever wanted is to be loved and accepted, and it is the one thing that has been denied me.

Thais my story ...

I come from a nice normal family, I even had a mostly great childhood. The rest of my family are very normal, and even a little boring. Then there’s me... I’ve always been a little different, sort of wild and free. But ever the black sheep. My mother says that as soon as I could talk all I said was “No” and as soon as I could walk all I did was run away. She also says that my shit didn’t really start until I was 7. I was disruptive in school, unable to concentrate and many more things.
At which point I was taken to every paediatrician, psychologist, psychiatrist, neurologist and anyone else my parents thought could help me. I’ve had more EEG’s and IQ tests than I can count. And that was all before I was even a teenager.
I hated all the testing, it used to make me feel ill and exhausted before it even started.

My mother always told me not to tell the psych professionals that I was adopted, because she though that they would jump on that and not look for the real cause. But I wonder now if that is not at least part of the problem.
I feel a great sense of abandonment over being adopted. I was a day or two old when it happened, and obviously have no memory or sense of trauma over it. I am also truly grateful for the parents I do have. But, to know that my birth mother gave me away... well quite simply, it hurts. ( intellectually I know that there was probably good reason for this, but that doesn’t change how I feel.) Abandoned.

So I grew up in a house with 2 parents and a brother. All of them quite “normal”. My parents hate mess, clutter or chaos of any kind. Everything has a place and everything belongs in it’s place. Mistakes were not encouraged, and my parents would become very impatient if I was doing something wrong (which I nearly always was). A direct quote from my mother is: “If you can’t do it right the first time, don’t bother doing it at all.” So it was a very strict upbringing, one that I found challenging.
I learned from a very early age, not to go to my mother for sympathy. If you were sick or had a bad dream, don’t go to mom, you will be shouted at. At least I could go to my dad, who was always sympathetic and willing to help.
My mother is not what I would call a warm or affectionate person. All I ever wanted was her love and affection, but I just don’t think she was capable of giving that to me. It stings somewhat that her and my brother are very close, but they are also very similar, and so I suppose that’s just how it is. I don’t think I made it easy for her to love me either, as I was a naughty little shit, and always causing trouble of some sort.

I went to a new school when I was 9 years old, and from the get go I was bullied. I had 90 children my age, who went out of their way to make me feel like shit at every opportunity. I never told my mother, because she always made it very clear that she did not get involved in kids arguments. And so I defended myself the only way I knew how, with violence and swearing when pushed to it, but otherwise I would retreat as much as possible. This was very hard on me as a natural extrovert, I have never enjoyed isolation. So I felt very alone, vulnerable and undefended. The bullying went on in front of teachers and they did nothing to stop it. My parents eventually found out what was going on, because a substitute teacher told them at a parents evening. They tried to intervene, but nothing ever really improved, and after 18 months of hell at that school, they returned me to the first school I had attended. There I was bullied by the teachers, on more than one occasion I was made to stand in front of the class and told how worthless I was.

I still gave trouble, not listening, not doing homework, etc. I was Hyperactive. I was still being taken from pillar to post trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was put on various medications and supplements to help with my ADHD. Eventually I felt controlled. Like if my parents or teachers didn’t like how I was behaving, they would give me a tablet so I would be more how they wanted me to be. I went through the mill, and doctors made mistakes along the way. I was given conflicting medications and spent my 13th birthday outside the headmasters office as none of my teacher would have me in their class. ( not my fault, but I still had to live through the nightmare.

I was constantly in trouble. Everything I did was wrong. I had no forethought... I got as far as... “ that sounds like fun” and never stopped to consider the consequences. So I was constantly being told by my teachers and parents how awful I was, and why can’t I just behave myself, do as I’m told and think before I act. I never had an answer for them.

Then teenage angst hit, and I suffered terribly with low self esteem, feeling worthless and like the world would be a better place without me in it. I never shared any of these feelings with anyone. I used to self harm because physical pain was less painful than emotional pain. I wasn’t getting on with my mother or father, and they were having problems of their own.
My mother and I fought all the time, and then she would stop speaking to me, just completely ignore me, sometimes for up to 2 weeks at a time. When she eventually spoke to me again I would be overjoyed and excited, I would usually jump around with glee and accidentally break something... and end up straight back in the dog box. I just couldn’t do anything right.

Just after my 18th birthday, I had a huge fight with my mother, and my dad came after me, ever the peace maker (poor sod always got caught in the middle). He asked me if I wanted to go overseas and au pair, I said “no”. He asked what I did want. I said that I wanted to go overseas and do what I want... 5 days later I was on a plane to the other side of the world.

I felt shunned. But in retrospect, it was probably the best thing for me. It was definitely good for my parents. Life was less chaotic for them without all my constant drama and mood swings.
The time away from my parents and their restrictions was really freeing. Though with my new found freedom, I immediately reigned myself in and started being more responsible. Life was a little rocky at times over the next few years, though always an adventure. I changed jobs... a lot, moved a lot, but I enjoyed life and that something new and exciting was always happening.
I found love at 21, was absolutely smitten, thought I had met my soulmate, the person I would spend the rest of my life with. But my moods were too much to deal with. I ended up heartbroken and destroyed for nearly 4 years. I thought I would never get over it. I fell into a deep depression, but never sought help. I had had enough of being poked and prodded and analysed as a kid.

Somehow I made it through. I don’t know how, but I did. Eventually, in my early 30’s I was once again going through a tough time. I was unhappy with every aspect of my life. I hated my job, I hated my partner, I hated everyone and everything, especially myself. I went to the doctor and asked for help. My GP prescribed me some antidepressants, and life improved dramatically. I was more even tempered, less filled with rage and hate, and I was generally a more amiable person to be around. When I’m good, I’m really really good, but when I’m bad, I’m awful.

I am now 40 years old, I have been on and off sertralin for the last 7 years, more or less, and more on than off. I have noticed myself going downhill the last 3 years. I have been putting on weight and am now 30kg overweight. I look terrible, and I feel terrible about myself. I am really only comfortable in tracksuit pants now, and I don’t want to go out because I don’t want to be seen. I just want to disappear. I joined a gym, wanting to make some real change, but I’m too embarrassed to go. Too caught up in my own head. I wish I could just get over myself.

I thought, as gym is not working out so well for me just yet, I should try and tackle things from the other side, so I’ve started to do the bulletproof diet. I’ve done my research, and it all sounds fantastic. Eat as clean a diet as you possibly can, organic veg, quality meat and quality fat. No carbs or sugar, and adding a few healthy supplements to your diet and you should start to feel amazing. They say you’re supposed to have boundless energy, mental clarity, the ability to focus like never before, and it also has the effect of balancing your hormones, and mental/emotional state.

So I’m really trying to make some positive change. I need to lose some weight to feel good about myself, because right now I just feel like a fat worthless blob.

I’ve had some emotional drama in the last 6 weeks, which is having a pretty detrimental effect on my life...

6 weeks ago, I went to visit my parents. I haven’t been in the best place for a while and thought some quality time with my parents would do me some good. I was there a week when my mother caught me rolling a joint. Well that did not go down well at all. As I said they are very uptight people, and they worry more about what the neighbours will think than anything else. So, it was kind of uncomfortable at my parents house. I said to my mother, if it’s going to be awkward then I’ll leave. She said that yes, it is awkward and when was I going? So I packed most of my things and left immediately. I didn’t go far, in the hopes that there would be a change of heart. (Ever the optimist. Not sure what I was hoping for, but got the kick in the teeth all the same. I got a message from my father, saying that my things were on the patio, and can I collect them as they have no room to keep them or any use for them. This made me feel disrespected. They couldn’t even keep my things indoors for 2 days while I saw the area and hoped for a miracle. So I went and collected my things and made the long trip home.

We had to communicate because I had placed an amazon order for them, and it hadn’t arrived. So there was a lot of back and forth re, cancelling and refunding the order. But it was strained communication. So mother’s day happened. I sent her a card, because if I didn’t it would be taken as a personal slight. My mother is very sensitive to any hint of criticism, but boy can she dish it out! She said thanks for the card. I said you’re welcome, lots of love.

Then the other day, she sends me a message. “ Think about you lots, just wish we had a better understanding of each other. Please take care of yourself.” I responded “ I think about you it’s too, sorry I can’t be the daughter you wanted. All I have ever wanted is your love and affection, and yet all I feel, is completely unworthy and more alone than I have ever felt.” She said “That’s not the case. I think the problem lies in not understanding each other. We love you, but find it hard as we do find you volatile and irrational at times. I said “ thank you for saying that, it means a lot to me, but I hurt a lot, and I know you do too. I don’t just love you, I adore you and that is why it hurts so much.” She said that we should try and be accommodating with each other as we are very different... So that’ the gist of that conversation.

I had to message her today, as I was filling out a medical questionnaire and had to ask what viruses I had and when. ( I have an appointment booked with a functional doctor. I want to find out what is going on in my body and how I can improve my health, energy and mood.) See I really am trying. So she gave me the info I needed and said she just had a response to an email she had sent to an old friend, and that she would fwd to me if interested. To be nice, I said yes, please forward. ( my parents are god parents to the old friends children, they haven’t been in touch much for many years, but I struck up a friendship with the daughter about 10 years ago, and my parents see me as being able to fill them in on the ins and outs of these people’s lives.)

So I get the email, and my parents want to know who someone is... are they a friend or more. So I read the email, and I honestly don’t know, but from the context I pieced it together. Then I read the email that my mother had sent the friend. And this is what really upset me. My mother brought them up to date on their move and other things in their lives. She filled them in on my brother, his wife and two children and their news. But not a single mention of me. ( I lost contact with the daughter about 5 years ago, and my parents know this. So there can be no assumption on their part that we are still in touch.)

This really made me feel incredibly hurt, worthless and insignificant. Like I just don’t matter. I don’t feature in their lives.
This only further amplifies my feelings of being completely alone in this world. With not a sole to turn to for support, or even a friend to listen. It makes me angry too. It makes me feel like I want to cut all contact with my family, because I am so tired of feeling hurt and disrespected.

I really don’t know how to deal with this. Do I cut them off? Do I confront them? I feel that only validates their point that I am “volatile and irrational.” Do I ignore it and just swallow the pain? I am completely devastated.

I feel like I am just finally realising that as “nice” as my parents are, they are never going to be able to accept me as I am, warts and all. That my mother will never be able to show me any genuine affection, because I have caused her so much stress and anxiety, that she perhaps finds it hard to muster those feelings for me, let alone show them. I feel like she has shut me out and shut me down, broke me down and never ever really had any compassion for what I go through.

I don’t have any friends. Sure I have acquaintances, but none of my “friends” actually give a shit about me. I feel like my parents say they care, say they love me, but it feels like lip service. They aren’t actually able to give me the kind of love, support or understanding I actually need. They are not bad people, and god love them for trying, but sometimes I feel like they shouldn’t have had kids. Shouldn’t have adopted me. I feel like my mothers love is conditional. If I try and be what she wants me to be, then I can have a little love and approval, at least until my next fuck up. I feel like I am not allowed to have any big feelings, and not allowed to express them.

I am so tired of hurting, and so tired of crying. I need to find a way to heal, but I just don’t know how.


There is more to this story, other details and incidence that I feel demonstrates my point. There is also the other side of the story, her side. I am trying to be logical about this, trying to see the other side of the coin. Intellectually I understand they love me, but emotionally I feel neglected, I feel abandoned by her when I’ve needed her to defend and support me most. I have never felt like my feelings were validated. I want to shout, why can’t you just love me as I am?
 
B

Bert198037

New member
Joined
Apr 27, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Sudbury uk
Hi saffire your not alone out there! Reading your story is just like reading my life! I feel the same! I’m very new to this site so still learning but I’m here if u wanna chat! I have no trust in anyone so called family or friends! Found this site by chance so maybe some help to us.
 
Saffire

Saffire

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Uk
Hi saffire your not alone out there! Reading your story is just like reading my life! I feel the same! I’m very new to this site so still learning but I’m here if u wanna chat! I have no trust in anyone so called family or friends! Found this site by chance so maybe some help to us.
Hi Bert,

Sorry I haven’t been on here for so long. I was so dejected after posting this. Today is my first time logging on since then.
I have been figuring some things out in the meantime though. I am convinced that I suffer from CPTSD, and have done my entire life. I believe my separation from my birth mother to be the initial trauma. I believe that further life experiences have only added to or compounded it further.
I have been looking for a professional to talk to but am finding it nearly impossible to find someone suitably qualified and experienced.
I honestly feel that a plain old councillor is not qualified enough to handle the complexity of my case. I Contacted a psychologist who I thought may be appropriate, but as soon as I mentioned adoption she said I had to see someone accredited with ASA (Adoption Support Agency).
I went and saw a councillor who specialises in adoption. I saw her twice, and honestly did not feel she was the right person for the job. I don’t want to just sit and cry and complain about being adopted and my shitty life experiences. I need someone who has studied psychology and can help me unravel and understand my CPTSD and help me to establish real coping strategies. I also need to learn to stop self sabotaging and sabotaging any attempts at any sort of long term relationship.

But where do I find this help?

This is what I’m struggling with at the moment.

I would love to hear more about you and your story, and how you are getting on.
 
Saffire

Saffire

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Uk
Hi,
I'm so sorry, only just seen your post.
Have you ever had any therapy? It might help.
I hope you get more replies.
Thanks for sharing your story, your very brave.
Hear to talk if you need someone.
Take care
Thanks for your response. Much appreciated.

I have realised that I suffer from CPTSD and am really struggling to find a psychologist who is appropriately qualified and experienced to help me.

I saw a councillor who specialises in adoption earlier in the year, but did not feel she was qualified to help me.

I’ve tried a few others, but they have turned me away saying I need to speak to a person who is registered to deal with adoption.

I’m my opinion, it’s a fob off and is completely unhelpful.

Do you have any suggestions?

Many thanks
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
1,975
Location
USA
Hi there.Your story was sad and touching.

I hope you find someone that can help you work through all of this.Seems like all the people I know that have been adopted kinda struggle with an emptiness inside of them that counseling has helped.

As far as CPTSD though,self diagnosis is not really a good idea. While there's been many upsetting events in your life it doesn't really sound like the type of trauma than can cause PTSD/CPTSD. Adoption is and can be traumatic but you were so young that you weren't consciously able to even know what was going on.

I definitely do think seeing a therapist is a good idea.And I wish you well with it.

This is taken from https://www.thrivetalk.com/cptsd/

"Complex post-traumatic stress disorder develops from life-threatening trauma or abuse that occurs repeatedly and cumulatively over a prolonged period of time. In many cases, the victim feels powerless and sees no hope of escape. The abuse is often premeditated, planned, and carried out by other people"
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
1,975
Location
USA
I read your posts again. Being bullied,if it's severe enough can cause PTSD/CPTSD.So maybe your suspicions are correct.Maybe not though and it is best to get a professional opinion.
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
380
Life is difficult. I also feel lonely and disconnected. There are no easy answers. I wish there were.
 
Saffire

Saffire

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Uk
I read your posts again. Being bullied,if it's severe enough can cause PTSD/CPTSD.So maybe your suspicions are correct.Maybe not though and it is best to get a professional opinion.
Hi there.Your story was sad and touching.

I hope you find someone that can help you work through all of this.Seems like all the people I know that have been adopted kinda struggle with an emptiness inside of them that counseling has helped.

As far as CPTSD though,self diagnosis is not really a good idea. While there's been many upsetting events in your life it doesn't really sound like the type of trauma than can cause PTSD/CPTSD. Adoption is and can be traumatic but you were so young that you weren't consciously able to even know what was going on.

I definitely do think seeing a therapist is a good idea.And I wish you well with it.

This is taken from https://www.thrivetalk.com/cptsd/
"Complex post-traumatic stress disorder develops from life-threatening trauma or abuse that occurs repeatedly and cumulatively over a prolonged period of time. In many cases, the victim feels powerless and sees no hope of escape. The abuse is often premeditated, planned,
I read your posts again. Being bullied,if it's severe enough [
I read your posts again. Being bullied,if it's severe enough can cause PTSD/CPTSD.So maybe your suspicions are correct.Maybe not though and it is best to get a professional opinion.

Thank you for this.
It really upset me that you had assumed that being adopted is not traumatic enough to cause CPTSD. The reason I think I have CPTSD is because I was non verbal when the initial trauma occurred. It might also be why it’s taken me 40 years to figure out what the problem is.

I believe that Abandonment and rejection are my primary trauma, and I have experienced it over and over again in my life. It’s sort of become a self fulfilling prophecy.

I was rejected and bullied by my peers, my teachers and my parents. There was literally nowhere safe for me to retreat to. But for me, what hurts the most is the rejection I experience from the person I call Mom. She spent so much time telling me how completely shit I am in childhood. In fact that’s all anybody has ever really told me for most of my life. Her verbal and physical abuse of me growing up has been very damaging to me. I know that she must have been frustrated having a child who couldn’t sit still, couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t seem to behave appropriately, couldn’t or wouldn’t listen or remember anything and was defiant as hell. I understand her frustration. It doesn’t make her response to that frustration right.

But if I look at the facts, I exhibit nearly all the traits of CPTSD and have done my entire life.
It was not my fault that I couldn’t be normal, it was my hyper arousal and vigilance that made me so. My over sensitivity to sounds, smells, lights and tastes even made me wonder if I was Asperger or on the spectrum for autism.

But now it has all started to make sense to me.

This has been one of the hardest years of my life. I have cried more this year than I have in the sum of all previous years. And honestly, I just want and need to find a way to heal.

I find it very hard to talk about because it is still so raw for me, and every time I do talk about it, I struggle to get the words out because I can’t breathe for crying.

I’m tired of being an emotional mess. I want solutions.

So yes, at the moment it is a self diagnosis, but I think a formal diagnosis would be good too. Which is why I am trying to find an appropriate professional in the South of England. *recommendations greatly appreciated

Just for anyone who is interested or going through something similar, there are 2 books that I have found to be very helpful and informative.

1) The Primal Wound - Nancy Verrier (understanding the adopted child)

2) CPTSD From surviving to Thriving - Pete Walker
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
380
I know the feeling well. I have acquaintances also, but friends that care are rare to non-existent. Life is so difficult, particularly for those of us with mental health problems. I was bullied and beaten also as a child. I am sure I am still experiencing the after effects of this. I don't know what the answer is. I just try to cope the best I can, but I am not very successful with my coping much of the time. I hope you are somehow able to find some peace. It is all we really strive for, peace of mind, but it is so difficult to achieve.
 
Saffire

Saffire

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Uk
Thank you for your response.
I am sorry that you had those experiences growing up. It’s very sad how cruel we can all be to each other, and how that cruelty scars us and leaves us feeling damaged and unworthy of love and care. Makes us unable to see any value in ourselves. I have been trying to learn to love myself, not doing so great on that front just yet, but I think a may have made some progress in liking myself a little more than I used to.

Yes, it is indeed a lonely life. Earlier this year I literally didn’t even have any acquaintances to talk to, let alone a friend. It was truly awful. So I really feel for anyone feeling as lonely as I was then.

I have however met some lovely people this year, a lot of whom are going through their own trials and tribulations, some of them quite similar to mine in some ways. So it has been really refreshing and cathartic to be able to share with them. So I am starting to have a little bit of a support network, or at least a friend or two to just listen.

It’s not everything and all these friendships are still quite new. But I am feeling less alone and isolated, and I think that makes a world of difference.

I’m sending you a big hug. Please stay in touch,
 
Top