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Feeling trapped in the past

T

Tree1

Member
Joined
Jun 9, 2021
Messages
15
Location
canada
I'm having a difficult time leaving my past behind me. I remember one time when I was 13 years old, a much older teenager came up to me in a parking lot and started to fondle my breast. I pushed him away and ran home but I had no one to turn to for support. My father was physically abusive and emotionally detached and my mother had untreated paranoid schizophrenia and capgras syndrome where she thought I was a clone of her "real" daughter. The only way I knew how to survive was to keep quiet. I actually had my first manic episode after this. I ran away from home a lot to cope with my parents. Its been 13 years since my mother died and I rarely speak to my father who has moved on with his life and seems to be happy now. But I can't let go and I wonder if maybe this is part of the reason why my depressions are so hard to treat. I have done a couple years of CBT and it helped a bit but not really. I can't do anymore because my hospital where I am being treated wanted to make room for other patients (I live in Canada so some therapy is covered by the government but no where near enough). I can't afford to go to a private psychologist. Does anyone have any advice on letting go. I am currently working through a self help workbook on Internal Family Systems therapy. Its been bringing things up that I didn't remember clearly but I can't seem to let this one go. There is no resolution. My mother is dead so I can't talk to her about it and my father has moved on and refuses to talk about the past. I feel lost.
 
F

Freewilldeterminist

New member
Joined
Jun 10, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Los Angeles
Im very sorry to hear what you are going through. I completely understand that sense of no resolution. The not being able to afford a therapist thing is frustrating because many years of therapy would be helpful (as long as its the right therapist). Thats good youre trying the self help workbook, my thoughts on that are just to allow yourself to feel anger at your mom if those feelings come up and dont suppress them just cause she’s dead. Also, if you were to ever confront your dad or talk to him again, just remember its not so that he can understand you, but rather to empower yourself, some of the work may be mourning the fact that he will never understand or work to fix it. In terms of “letting go” i know that it can be extremely hard for extended periods sometimes but for me, sometimes very intense cardio exercise can work, I also sometimes go up to strangers and start talking to them about whatever entertains me in the moment, that can be scary and thats why it works sometimes. Meditation can help you gain awareness of how youre holding on which could help you release BUT when stuck in your head feeling like you cant let go, sitting there in inaction trying to meditate can back fire. So meditate after exercise. But main thing is dont give up on seeking a councilor thats a good fit. If you have to call a crisis line from time to time then do that if its all you got. Or if you can only save up for one therapy session every few weeeks or whatever its better than nothing. Dont go it alone.
 
T

Tree1

Member
Joined
Jun 9, 2021
Messages
15
Location
canada
Im very sorry to hear what you are going through. I completely understand that sense of no resolution. The not being able to afford a therapist thing is frustrating because many years of therapy would be helpful (as long as its the right therapist). Thats good youre trying the self help workbook, my thoughts on that are just to allow yourself to feel anger at your mom if those feelings come up and dont suppress them just cause she’s dead. Also, if you were to ever confront your dad or talk to him again, just remember its not so that he can understand you, but rather to empower yourself, some of the work may be mourning the fact that he will never understand or work to fix it. In terms of “letting go” i know that it can be extremely hard for extended periods sometimes but for me, sometimes very intense cardio exercise can work, I also sometimes go up to strangers and start talking to them about whatever entertains me in the moment, that can be scary and thats why it works sometimes. Meditation can help you gain awareness of how youre holding on which could help you release BUT when stuck in your head feeling like you cant let go, sitting there in inaction trying to meditate can back fire. So meditate after exercise. But main thing is dont give up on seeking a councilor thats a good fit. If you have to call a crisis line from time to time then do that if its all you got. Or if you can only save up for one therapy session every few weeeks or whatever its better than nothing. Dont go it alone.
Thank you for responding. I use to feel angry towards her. Now I just mourn that I couldn't get to know who she really was. She had very rarely lucid moments and the were only for minutes at a time and far between. I mourn that she was struggling so much. And despite her delusions, she never stopped looking for her *real* children. I have social anxiety so talking to strangers would only cause me more stress and I would feel more isolated. But I think its amazing that you are able to do that. Maybe ill do more intense boxing.
 

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