Feeling so low and ashamed

J

Jester

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Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
#1
I just want to write a note about how I am feeling at the moment. I just want to share with others.
I just feel completely done in. My partner has tonight accused me of being an alcoholic. I do drink, probably too much, but I do it to cope.
I have been with my partner for over 30 years.
I am feeling so very ashamed as we are in financial difficulties through the fault of myself and he has no idea. I really am not a bad person, really I'm not.
It's very difficult to put everything into words but I have been ready for a while for a change in my life. My partner can be sarcastic in the way he speaks to me and if I ever try to do something different he is detrimental as though that could not work or why are you doing that? It has really got me down over the years and as a result I have 'comfort' spent with impulsive spending. I really think he is better off without the toxic me.
I haven't got anything to show for the spending, it is mainly when my partner has said we can buy this and that I have said OK and it goes on credit and just general day to day items that have just spiralled. We now owe a load of money and I just feel useless.
I find it easier to show my feelings to my parents than my partner - they are wonderful and I find myself wishing I was back to being that child who lived with them in a comfortable and happy home with no worries. I think my dad senses that everything is not right.
I really want a fresh start and have very understanding parents but would they forgive me for this? I would just love to go and live back with them and start from scratch.
I really don't know why I am how I am and it annoys me so much. I have always been so sensitive and emotional but at the moment I cannot cry about what is happening - why can I not cry! The only thing I cry about is when I think about my two sisters who died when I was small. Why is that the only thing that makes me cry?
If we have to sell our house then my partner could have all the equity left and I will start afresh with nothing. I am just so ready for that if I have my parents understanding. If I don't have that, then I don't know what to do.
I am drinking more and more to cope with everything, have taken other meds (maybe too many), cannot sleep more than 4 hrs a night, waking in a sweat with my heart beating so fast. I have thought about ending it all
My other only comfort in life are my dogs and my son who is 21 and the best thing I have ever done in this world.
Thank you for viewing my thoughts - I really am feeling very low and ashamed today.
 
Shingle

Shingle

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May 15, 2019
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49
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These four walls
#2
I comfort spend too, and i really need to save at the moment. My mum put £1000 in a savings account for me, and i am not allowed to spend it as it is for rent and bills if i lose benefits. There is only £550 left and she occasinally checks. I also have a big credit card bill even though she keeps helping me clear it. She even still gives me money and i tell her no but if she knew what i had done, she would cry so much.

I wish your partner was better able to talk with you because then it would be easier for you. You don't want to let him down so don't talk to him, and maybe scared of his reaction? I don't know why he talks to you like he does but you should ask him why. I think you need to talk honestly with him and he needs to help you out of the situation. You are a team and need to sort this together. It is better to know, and better you are open with each other otherwise you might break up due to not communicating. I might be wrong, but you both seem unhappy and i think you can fix things.
 
O

OCDguy

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Jun 13, 2016
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509
#3
Would you consider your alcohol intake to be drinking alone and possibly more than the average? You are probably all too well aware, but best don't approach any touchy subjects with your other half until you are both in the right frame of mind to do so...
 
J

Jester

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Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
#4
I comfort spend too, and i really need to save at the moment. My mum put £1000 in a savings account for me, and i am not allowed to spend it as it is for rent and bills if i lose benefits. There is only £550 left and she occasinally checks. I also have a big credit card bill even though she keeps helping me clear it. She even still gives me money and i tell her no but if she knew what i had done, she would cry so much.

I wish your partner was better able to talk with you because then it would be easier for you. You don't want to let him down so don't talk to him, and maybe scared of his reaction? I don't know why he talks to you like he does but you should ask him why. I think you need to talk honestly with him and he needs to help you out of the situation. You are a team and need to sort this together. It is better to know, and better you are open with each other otherwise you might break up due to not communicating. I might be wrong, but you both seem unhappy and i think you can fix things.
Hi Shingle
Thank you for your message, understanding and sharing your own thoughts. I hope everything goes well for you.
I'm afraid that I have done this before and it would not be easy to get his understanding - he is very difficult to talk to on these things. If I told him I need to see a Dr about my feelings and about what's in my head he would just brush it off. I think this will be the end for us. Tbh I think I need to get out of his life. It will be hard as we have been together so long but I think it will be for the best. :hug:
 
J

Jester

Member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
#6
Would you consider your alcohol intake to be drinking alone and possibly more than the average? You are probably all too well aware, but best don't approach any touchy subjects with your other half until you are both in the right frame of mind to do so...
Hi OCDguy
Thank you for your message.
Yes I would consider I drink more than average and on my own. I really do it to cope and to get the feeling it gives me. I knows it's wrong and I shouldn't but just can't help it at the moment. I don't know when the best time to approach him is, he is a very difficult person to talk to about this and frankly I am so scared of his reaction.
 
O

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
509
#7
You, as I am sure you know, have a lot going on... I am not about to judge you on what you have written, but I hope you would agree, there are things here that need addressing...
Firstly, hand on heart would you say that due to your current situation, you are somewhat dependent on your alcohol intake?
 
J

Jester

Member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
#8
You, as I am sure you know, have a lot going on... I am not about to judge you on what you have written, but I hope you would agree, there are things here that need addressing...
Firstly, hand on heart would you say that due to your current situation, you are somewhat dependent on your alcohol intake?
Yes I would say that's why I drink.
 
O

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
509
#9
K, progress :) How bad is the financial situation :hug:
 

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