Feeling so down and scared about the future...

C

complexcase

Member
Joined
Mar 8, 2011
Messages
19
I have just spent a while reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder and am now pretty terrified at the prospect of living my life with this. I don't see how it can get any better as I can't seem to commit to DBT and I am beginning to realise that I must be a horrible person to be around most of the time... I absolutely loathe myself. I'm disgusted with myself. And I don't know how to change that. It's all gotten so confusing and messed up in my head. I don't know who I am, and I don't know what I want. I'm just empty, nothing. And I feel like I'm not here! I watch the world but I'm not part of it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a 'normal' loving relationship. I honestly can't see why anyone would want to be with me. I don't want to be with me. But I'm stuck with me, for the rest of my life. AARRRGGHHH.

Sorry for the depressing rant, I just needed to write to someone, somewhere. I'm going through my panic list for distress tolerance but I can't even bring myself to actually do any of the things on there. I have no motivation to feel better, even though I hate this :(

I'm sad.
 
F

fudgey

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 10, 2011
Messages
101
Location
Berkshire
Hello

I know how you feel, it is a hard thing to understand ! I have bpd and now they are saying I also have biopolar .. I feel how you do I don't know myself and i feel like running away sometimes .. all the docotrs do is keep pushing me from pillar to post
 
V

vixmac22

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2011
Messages
7
Tbh i think anyone with bpd feels like that at some point or other. I tend to call them why me days. They are where i have to stop myself self harming again and i know its made much worse by feeling strong emotions!

But i'm slowly getting through it even though im on a shedload of meds and i feel shit sometimes im working through it starting a new relationship but still having some problems but other than that good and at university so it can get better. Its just a bloody rollercoaster and learning how to pick yourself up when your depressed


xxx
 
V

vixmac22

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2011
Messages
7
I have been told i have bipolar because of my bpd in addition to ocd and gad so i know how you feel - it took me 5 years to get the right diagnosis and meds
 
F

fudgey

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 10, 2011
Messages
101
Location
Berkshire
I am still waiting for them to confirm my illness .. medication i am on doesn't seem to work but in 6 weeks time I will be swoping to mood stablizers ... its hard but yes i try and get there .. my only way out is too self harm
 
V

vixmac22

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2011
Messages
7
i used to self harm ...then i put myself in hospital because of it... i have now not cut in 1 year 5 months but i still miss it (now i smoke instead) what mood stabilizers are they putting you on? I've been on quetiapine, olanzapine and risperodone before but now on lamotragine - by far the best
 
F

fudgey

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 10, 2011
Messages
101
Location
Berkshire
I am not sure as yet i will know when i go back in 6 weeks, i need something as being past from pillar to post does not help me one bit plus other stress regarding my family makes it worse !
 
C

complexcase

Member
Joined
Mar 8, 2011
Messages
19
I'm on Risperidone.

I'm struggling today. My friend texted me saying that she was feeling like she needed to cut and she wanted someone to talk to so that she wouldn't do it. So I managed to talk her out of it. And then I went home and cut. What a f*cking hypocrite.

I hate myself.
 
maxitab

maxitab

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 18, 2010
Messages
10,392
Location
In Devon
Hi complexcase!

It's not hypocritical, its that you had no one whereas your friend had you!
Being left on our own with these intense emotions is horrible, and turning to whatever habit you have got into as a coping mechanism is not a cop out nor does it make you a bad person, just someone who is at their wits and and feeling desperate!

As to therapy, DBT is not right for everyone, and there are other therapy methods specifically for peeps with BPD.
Schema Therapy.
Cognitive Analytical therapy.
Mentalisation based T
Mindfulness based T
to name but a few.
 
C

complexcase

Member
Joined
Mar 8, 2011
Messages
19
Thanks maxitab

I will look into those other methods of therapy you mentioned. I get the idea of DBT and I believe that it would probably be ok if I actually worked at it. But I am not motivated. I'm just trying to get through each day, no make that each hour, each minute. It seems like such a struggle.

I'm trying not to judge myself so much. I think that is one of my main problems. I'm horrible to myself. Trying to become more accepting.......

My weekend has not been too bad since the incident on Friday. Made an effort to go and buy food today even though I don't really want to eat, but I know I must.

I sometimes wonder if I am trying to do too much, change too many things at once. I just want to be different in every. single. way. But it's too much to work on at once! I know, I know baby steps, start with the little things, but for me it seems to be all or nothing. I either don't try anything, or I have to try everything at once. Black or white.

Should it be more about acceptance than change? Or both?

Sorry, I'm rambling now. Thanks for your advice and for talking to me.

CC
 
R

runslikeariver

Guest
Hey CC-
It should be about what is comfortable for you. I understand that the place you are in right now can be pretty terrifying. They slap on a label, give you some meds and send you out into the darkness without the slightest clue as to what to expect.
For me, it was both. I was horrified by my diagnosis of bipolar and it took me years to get the meds right, find the right doctor, find the right therapist and find the tools.
Then I was told by a psychiatric nurse (whom I later tried to get fired for her incompetance regarding medication) that I had a 'personality' disorder! What? You're already telling me how fucked up I am and now you're saying my 'personality' is fucked up too? I guess that's not what they are really saying but that's what it sounds like. It's like they're attacking your heart and soul and saying that everything about you is wrong, not normal, crazy.
I'm glad Maxi brought up other therapies than DBT. When I first started I was so filled with rage that if someone even looked at me wrong I would challenge them. I wanted to smash their face in. DBT seemed overwhelming and involved so much work that I would never get it. But I kept going for a year and a half and I don't have all that anger anymore. Like Maxi said, it works for some people, and not for others. Some of the other syptoms you are experiencing really sound more like bipolar-but they are so quick to slap that label on you!
Get some rest, read up on it and keep posting. All the best. River
 
R

runslikeariver

Guest
Sorry...

I meant reading up about bipolar. So many of us reach this place because of sever abuse in childhood. That was a factor for me. If it isn't too personal, is that also a factor for you?
 
maxitab

maxitab

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 18, 2010
Messages
10,392
Location
In Devon
I sometimes wonder if I am trying to do too much, change too many things at once. I just want to be different in every. single. way. But it's too much to work on at once! I know, I know baby steps, start with the little things, but for me it seems to be all or nothing. I either don't try anything, or I have to try everything at once. Black or white.
Oh boy do I know this one!!!

And how about 'Well if I can't have it/do it/ experience it/ see it/ buy it/ paint it/ eat it/etc/etc/etc/ ALL, then I don't want any of it. And since I can't be motivated for it all, none of it happens. Shot self in foot and no mistake! Then I can have a few hours of self blame and recrimination thrown in for good measure. Hey, two for the price of one - can't be bad!

I struggled ( and struggle ) with this around DBT for quite a while because I wanted it to make a difference NOW for ALL of my horrid emotions! For me it was an anger that I turned against myself yet again. I have not been able to heal myself, so I will refuse to heal myself.....and on and on in ever decreasing circles. Don't know if you do that one too....
Most of these feelings are stuff we would like to have been able to use/express at a significant, probably traumatic time in the past, and now we are stuck in their grip like Groundhog Day.
I think DBT is working for you, it has brought some insight and you have a notion it will work....my therapist said it like this:

You are stuck in a room with a metal floor and there is a furnace underneath and no way out....DBT is your ladder, but it is made of metal, so when it is first lowered, the rungs are, initially, as hot as the floor, and its hard to grasp them with any degree of hope, and though the pain is different on the ladder, it is still not nice. The temptation is to sit in the corner and cry some more, but you have to grasp that ladder, and you have to force yourself on up....The higher you climb the cooler the rungs.

Come on up.....climb with me. I need to climb out of a pit. We can encourage each other. I know you can do this. The tiredness is part of the furnace, the more you move away from it the less it gets!!!!

Big hugs! :hug:
 
C

complexcase

Member
Joined
Mar 8, 2011
Messages
19
Thanks River and Maxitab for your replies.
River, I have never really read up on Bipolar, thing is I tend to self-diagnose, whenever I read about anything new I think I have it lol. But it would be interesting to see if I have any traits. I was never abused as a child that I can remember but I have read about 'invalidation'?? Where the child is made to feel (maybe not on purpose) that their thoughts and feelings are not worthy of discussion and are not really important, or are not even true and correct... and I have always thought that for some reason. When I was younger if my parents were fighting, for example, I would be able to tell that something was wrong, but when I asked about it, instead of just saying they didn't want to talk about it, which would have been fine, they actually said, no you're wrong. I felt like everything I thought was happening, actually wasn't happening, and I have always therefore questioned my ability to interpret signs/thoughts/feelings. I feel like I think the opposite of what is happening. And I have always been under the impression that they don't really want me to talk about my 'problems', probably because they just don't know what to say. Sometimes we have good chats, but it's not about the serious, deep down stuff. I remember when my mum found out about the self harm she said I was abnormal. And that hurt quite a bit.

Maxi your analogy of DBT was really helpful, thank you. I'm definitely a black or white thinker. And I'm incredibly up & down in my emotions and motivation levels. I will go through phases of really working hard and wanting to get better, but because of my obsessive tendencies I go over the top and make lists and lists of all the things going on in my life, to-do lists 4 pages long... I spend money I don't have on self-help books about DBT and meditation etc, I have all the meditainment CDs. I book into tons of classes at the gym, I obsess about eating healthily, I buy whole new wardrobes, do EVERYTHING I possibly can to create this new me.

But then it all gets too much. Because I always throw myself in at the deep end. I look at all my lists and freak out because I know I can't do it all. My obsessions and impulsions get worse and worse, until I am starving myself/exercising religiously/spending all my savings/beating myself up every time I slip up... and then it all comes to a head, like it did on Friday night, I get drunk, end up self harming. It's like the pressure has built up so much I explode. And then after that there is nothing and I am on a downer again. It's like having a massive high but going too far, and then plummeting down into the blackness again. I begin to not care, about anything. I don't cook or clean, I barely make it through the day, I fantasise about suicide or 'accidents' that I could have. It's a cycle that I can't get out of. The down lasts for a couple of days at the most, at the moment. And then I feel good again, but it's always the littlest things that set me off. Emotional rollercoaster doesn't even begin to cover it.

Wow, just realised how much I have written. Thanks for reading, if you did.

I will try with you Maxitab, maybe it will be easier if I have someone to talk to as I go.

CC
 
Last edited:
S

SMiRC

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2011
Messages
20
I've spent all my adult life (i'm only 30 so it's not much..) deceiving myself, thinking there's nothing REALLY wrong with me, i'm just a bad person, or i drink too much or blaa blaa, and then when i first heard the words "bipolar" and "personality disorder" i felt quite relieved in fact. but i had to lose several jobs and relationships and friends to come to the conclusion that i really might be seriously ill. what i meant to say is that i am scared too, but also hopeful and weirdly enough i like myself this way. i want a normal life but i'm horrified of being "too normal" = boring, uninteresting, not me..

I don't know if i make any sense right now when even the walls of my apartment seem strange to me.
 
C

complexcase

Member
Joined
Mar 8, 2011
Messages
19
Thanks for that SMiRC. I know what you mean, hearing a name for whatever is wrong with you can be quite a good feeling, like you have a reason for it. I have just always heard these words and labels, and thought yeah but that's not REALLY what it is. I'm not REALLY ill. I'm actually just making all this up, and I can end it any time I want, I'll just stop being like this. I felt guilty for being in the hospital with all the people who were really sick. I felt like a complete fraud. Because I honestly thought that I had made myself this way, because I wanted the attention or whatever, I don't know. I don't even know if it is possible to drive yourself crazy. But then when I was reading the other day it started to sink in that actually, I might be ill in reality. And it freaked me out I guess. Half of me likes being this way, like you say, I would do anything to not be 'NORMAL' and boring. But then the other me wants to fit in with everyone else and have nothing different about me. There really are 2 of me, locked in battle, pulling me in 2 different directions. I love both of them and hate both of them and equally feel absolutely nothing for either one of them.

I have lost friends and relationships because of all this. And even if I am now beginning to realise that it might not all be my fault... that I am not a bad person... it might be too late for the people who have already decided that I am not a good friend. But then I guess they were never the right people anyway.

6 years in therapy and I still can't completely believe that I haven't done this to myself. That I'm not just a bad, evil, useless person. That maybe it was all a game, an attention seeking ploy that went too far and now I really am in trouble because I've forgotten how to be anything other than this. And maybe I don't want to become anything other than this.

Ever feel like, if you were to lose the illness and the problems and the darkness, then you would be nothing? That this is all there is of you, just this? That you don't know how to be happy, 'normal' so why even try?

I'm probably not making sense either! I'm not really here tonight, I feel like I'm outside time.

CC
 
S

SMiRC

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2011
Messages
20
^ wow, that is exactly the way i feel! when i get worse, i tend to think i'm just pretending, when i'm so depressed i don't eveb have the energy to speak, i shout to myself in my head "stop it, will you just stop pretending to be that way?!!" but to no avail. i can't change the way i am but sometimes i feel like i'm in love with my depression and that makes me feel 1000+ worse. and i'm very afraid of therapy cause i don't know if i'm motivated enough. my illness has become the most important part of my identity or so it seems to me right now. it's the only thing in fact. there's nothing more to me. nothing.
 
R

runslikeariver

Guest
CC-
There is hope, there really is. I don't know if it ever gets better but it does tend to get easier with time, for some. I am one of the lucky ones and despite those days when I feel like a zombie, most of the time I am happy.
Since the symptoms of bipolar and personality disorder can mimic each other, sometimes the professionals can't even tell. The thought of medication can be scarier than the actual problem for some. All you can do is try. When I have a bad reaction to a med or feel it is too much or too little, I adjust my dosage or quit taking it altogether. I guess some would call that dangerous no doctor knows me and my symptoms and my body and it's reaction the way I do. I discuss things with them and if we can't come to an agreement about my care I will get a second opinion. Just don't let them bully you hon. If you decide to do meds it will help those manic episodes. I still want to do everything 'too much'. Being out of control is so hard and hurtful. I can see myself in every word you write. I understand the pain and the self loathing. But there IS hope, I promise. You are NOT your illness and if this were a ploy for attention you would have stopped it long ago.
Maxi, your analogy of DBT to a burning steel pit is so right on. That's exactly what it's like. I will say that since I started I have learned to control a lot of the out of control impulses. I am so happy for you that you were able to climb that ladder and not sit and cry on the burning floor. Hurrah!
I may be bent but I aint broken!
 

Similar threads


Top