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Feeling Sensitive

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EstherRose94

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So lately I’ve been in a good mood, social, etc. But I’ve been pushing my bf away like no other. I’m remembering things he said in the past that really hurt. I’m in that “I don’t care, I don’t need you” mood. But I don’t want to be! Because I KNOW I’ll super regret it. I want to feel close and loved and loving and secure. But I don’t feel it right now. Our connection feels empty like I’m just tolerating him. I know this hurts him and I hate that. I feel like I could use a good cry lol. Whatever it is I think it’s rooted in “he doesn’t like me enough” and so in my head I’m like “I don’t like him that much”. But I know I love him very much. Advice please before I mess up. He’s my true love ❤ Even though he’s eclectic and confusing and so stubborn I could scream lol.
 
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EstherRose94

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I reframed and realized that I bet I feel this way because I blocked this stuff for so long. It probably needs to surface but I’ll work on it with my therapist and not take it out on bf lol.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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I reframed and realized that I bet I feel this way because I blocked this stuff for so long. It probably needs to surface but I’ll work on it with my therapist and not take it out on bf lol.
Just my personal take on the situation, as I’ve had similar experiences lol. I think it’s nothing at all to do with your boyfriend. It’s you using emotional reasoning (decisions and judgements made on feelings alone), which sub consciously activate your inner core beliefs, that you are unloveable, worthless and don’t matter. Therefore your fear of abandonment kicks in, so your fear of emotion says to you ‘this will be too painful, better get in first or not get too attached.
So in short it’s your BPD symptoms rather than reality that is causing you to self destruct and keep you in a permanent state of suffering. Your therapist will advise you far better than I but when there, be totally honest and open, and emotional. It’s a safe place.
 
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EstherRose94

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Good call on being open with my therapist. I think he’s cool so I don’t like getting emotional in front of him lol.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Good call on being open with my therapist. I think he’s cool so I don’t like getting emotional in front of him lol.
I cried my eyes out with mine, I thought this might be the only chance I get. I’d just be totally open and honest and let whatever emotions happen rather than suppressing them. That way, he can help you most. x
 
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EstherRose94

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Lunus you were right that it isn’t his fault. I realized that last night even though I disagreed at first. I felt bad for being angry but happier. Then today the switch flipped again and I was crying and telling him how he hurt my feelings so much before that they aren’t fixed. Now I feel bad. And dumb. Because that wasn’t necessary. I don’t know why part of me is so mad at him while the other half wants to love him to death. What is wrong with me??

I think partially too I’ve been censoring for my therapist. I am mortified to admit negative feelings toward bf. They don’t matter and aren’t relevant but they are stuck inside. I want them to go away before I push bf away. I love him and he is my only real love I’ve had. 😢
 
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EstherRose94

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I’ve done this little routine many times before. I don’t mean to! It just happens and it’s horrible. How can I explain to him that I’m not trying to be mean? That I really can’t control it? That I feel like two separate people and one wants to hold him tight and the other wants to run away.

I don’t feel like a good person
 
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Zoe1

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That I feel like two separate people and one wants to hold him tight and the other wants to run away.
thats pretty normal actually
alot of people just hide that fact
commedians joke about it
what people really think about their partners
its common ground

sounds like you more want to stay than leave
maybe you need more space for some me time

:hug5: 💜
 
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EstherRose94

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thats pretty normal actually
alot of people just hide that fact
commedians joke about it
what people really think about their partners
its common ground

sounds like you more want to stay than leave
maybe you need more space for some me time

:hug5: 💜
I just don’t want to hurt his feelings anymore 😕
 
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Zoe1

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how do you think you hurt his feelings ?
 
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EstherRose94

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I was distant this week. Spent time with him but was kinda emotionally distant and a little snappy. Then I thought it was because I must be holding onto some old anger. I planned to talk it out with my therapist but instead I blurted it all out to bf. Told him how he hurt my feelings in the past. I thought I would feel closer and lighter after but now he’s not as happy and so I’m sad about that.
 
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Zoe1

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have you got any friends ?
because if you put all your eggs in one basket
yes that will be hard for him
 
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EstherRose94

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Yeah I do. You mean like pressuring him to like handle all my emotions?
 
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Zoe1

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yes its something I always do in relationships
is to turn the person into my parent
I cant even help it

currently I'm having a break from relationships
because I cant do it properly

try to phone a friend
when you are feeling irritable or needy

as they say , relationships are alot of hard work

:hug5: 💜
 
Lunus

Lunus

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I’ve done this little routine many times before. I don’t mean to! It just happens and it’s horrible. How can I explain to him that I’m not trying to be mean? That I really can’t control it? That I feel like two separate people and one wants to hold him tight and the other wants to run away.

I don’t feel like a good person
You must remember it’s your BPD that makes you act the way you do, it’s not you. If you haven’t already you should explain to him that you live at either end of the emotional spectrum. You either have great happiness and are in Hyper Mode or pain and suffering, which is Hypo Mode (see attached)
Here’s what I think your biggest issue is, you are not using your therapist properly. You must NOT suppress anything. You MUST be open and honest and let your emotions out. You must also tell him about your BF issues because that will link back to something in your past, and that’s how you recover.
Do not be afraid. Face your fears, accept your past and you can have a wonderful relationship. Good luck.
 
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