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Feeling Rejected/Lonely

somedaymaybe

somedaymaybe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
227
Location
Australia
I've posted here before about having this desperate need to make friends and being unsuccessful. This is currently still a problem for me.

When I had severe social anxiety, it made sense that I didn't have any friendships. But I thought this would change once I started to overcome my fears. I believe I am more sociable now; as in, I won't clam up if someone speaks to me and I like to think I can offer more to a conversation now more than I used to be able to. In fact, sometimes I even initiate conversations! However, both out in the real world and online, despite all the success I have accomplished in regards to my disorders, I still can't seem to find anyone who is willing to talk, form a connection and ultimately be friends.

I went through a stage where I would join PenPal websites and literally email a bunch of people who I thought sounded interesting and similar to me. More often than not, I either didn't receive a response or they were disinterested and ultimately stopped replying. After almost a year of this, I gave up and began to focus on work and study. For a time, I forgot all about the need for friendship, the desire to form connections. I have my boyfriend, and I've been busy with life.

However, in the last few months I have suddenly began to feel that same urge again. I try to tell myself that it's not important right now, in fact I tried to accept a long time ago that friendship just may not be in my future. But I am human, I need connections, and even though I have my boyfriend and my parents, I just want to have at least one friend that I can experience life with. Not being able to just turn to a friend and have a conversation is hard sometimes. Just someone I can confide in when I can't confide in others. Someone I can have fun with and grow with.

With this need beginning to surface again, I messaged an old acquaintance. It was quite a step for me as I was taking a risk; maybe they wouldn't reply, maybe they wouldn't care. In the end, they did reply to me, but only once; when I tried making further conversation, their responses came to a halt and even further emails didn't seem to encourage them to reply. This past week I also decided to message another person from my past; it's been about 11 years since we last spoke, but it didn't entirely end on bad terms so I felt like re-connecting with them could be a positive thing. They did respond to me but responses have been slow and it makes me feel as if maybe they aren't as invested as I am. Which is fine, I can't force them to do anything, but I feel a little deflated about it.

Now I have been surfing more PenPal websites and emailing a bunch of different people again. None of the messages are desperate, I don't "broadcast" this need for friendship, I simply keep conversations short and focused on what we have in common. However, as with my first experience in this, people don't seem to care to respond or they lose interest very quickly and I'm soon forgotten.

I really don't understand why it is so hard for me to interest someone, to have people actually want to get to know me and have a regular conversation with me. This has always been a struggle and a hard thing to comprehend, but now I can't blame it on any disorder. I don't really know what to blame it on. Or if there is blame to be set. All I know is that I'm increasingly feeling more and more lonely. I don't know what to do anymore.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
Hello somedaymaybe
its takes a while to make friends well it does for me anyway! It takes a while for everyone to tune into each other is I think that happens.

Friendships happen gradually and if you try to rush it (rather like a good beer!) folk might see that as desperation and yes that might even be the truth of where you are at at the moment.

So whilst you are taking the time to make friends. Start to build up yourself. Maybe watch some stuff on youtube in the area of self help regarding confidence skills and assertiveness.

The bottom line is that you cant rush making friends as that is a way to shallow/temporary friendships as you are finding.

Meanwhile have you considered doing some voluntary work. Now when you do activites with folk that is more likely to end in a friendship
 
R

Rax

Member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
19
Location
Caribbean
I've posted here before about having this desperate need to make friends and being unsuccessful. This is currently still a problem for me.

When I had severe social anxiety, it made sense that I didn't have any friendships. But I thought this would change once I started to overcome my fears. I believe I am more sociable now; as in, I won't clam up if someone speaks to me and I like to think I can offer more to a conversation now more than I used to be able to. In fact, sometimes I even initiate conversations! However, both out in the real world and online, despite all the success I have accomplished in regards to my disorders, I still can't seem to find anyone who is willing to talk, form a connection and ultimately be friends.

I went through a stage where I would join PenPal websites and literally email a bunch of people who I thought sounded interesting and similar to me. More often than not, I either didn't receive a response or they were disinterested and ultimately stopped replying. After almost a year of this, I gave up and began to focus on work and study. For a time, I forgot all about the need for friendship, the desire to form connections. I have my boyfriend, and I've been busy with life.

However, in the last few months I have suddenly began to feel that same urge again. I try to tell myself that it's not important right now, in fact I tried to accept a long time ago that friendship just may not be in my future. But I am human, I need connections, and even though I have my boyfriend and my parents, I just want to have at least one friend that I can experience life with. Not being able to just turn to a friend and have a conversation is hard sometimes. Just someone I can confide in when I can't confide in others. Someone I can have fun with and grow with.

With this need beginning to surface again, I messaged an old acquaintance. It was quite a step for me as I was taking a risk; maybe they wouldn't reply, maybe they wouldn't care. In the end, they did reply to me, but only once; when I tried making further conversation, their responses came to a halt and even further emails didn't seem to encourage them to reply. This past week I also decided to message another person from my past; it's been about 11 years since we last spoke, but it didn't entirely end on bad terms so I felt like re-connecting with them could be a positive thing. They did respond to me but responses have been slow and it makes me feel as if maybe they aren't as invested as I am. Which is fine, I can't force them to do anything, but I feel a little deflated about it.

Now I have been surfing more PenPal websites and emailing a bunch of different people again. None of the messages are desperate, I don't "broadcast" this need for friendship, I simply keep conversations short and focused on what we have in common. However, as with my first experience in this, people don't seem to care to respond or they lose interest very quickly and I'm soon forgotten.

I really don't understand why it is so hard for me to interest someone, to have people actually want to get to know me and have a regular conversation with me. This has always been a struggle and a hard thing to comprehend, but now I can't blame it on any disorder. I don't really know what to blame it on. Or if there is blame to be set. All I know is that I'm increasingly feeling more and more lonely. I don't know what to do anymore.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
hello there Rax just noticed you there!!!! might be an idea to start your own thread to introduce yourself
 
R

Rax

Member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
19
Location
Caribbean
I understand the feeling . out of secondary school I had no friends for about 4 years . then I went out met so many people ( more so thru clubbing) . but however those friendships didn't last . now at 25 I have at least 8 friends which is alot for me cause I prefer to be alone . in a nutshell its going to happen at the right time. However I love talking to people of different cultures . u can always inbox me. I get bored time to time .
 
somedaymaybe

somedaymaybe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
227
Location
Australia
Thanks for the reply.

I'm not trying to rush anything. Considering it's been 12 years since I've even had a friend, I'd say rushing it is the last thing I've been doing.

I have built myself up. I'm finally at a time in my life where I know who I am and understand myself more than I ever have before. This is why I felt the urge to make friends, because I can now offer people friendship whereas years prior I couldn't.

I have done volunteer work and only had one person I spoke to, and I have tried being their friend since then, which has been about 7 years now and they have no interest. I no longer wish to try to form a connection with them, as all efforts up to this stage have been without results.

I guess my only option is to just continue to be lonely and hope friendship falls into my lap one day.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
Well something is up then. Have you thought what it might be? If you can think about this it could be key to changing. Friendships are unlikely to fall into your lap it takes effort to cultivate friendships.

One thing people like very much is when you listen to them and show interest in their interests but it does help if they respond in kind. Relationships are like a badminton game the shuttle cock is hit from one player to the other and no one has the shuttle for much time.
 
M

MatthewJoyce

New member
Joined
Mar 28, 2019
Messages
2
Location
United Kingdom
I've posted here before about having this desperate need to make friends and being unsuccessful. This is currently still a problem for me.

When I had severe social anxiety, it made sense that I didn't have any friendships. But I thought this would change once I started to overcome my fears. I believe I am more sociable now; as in, I won't clam up if someone speaks to me and I like to think I can offer more to a conversation now more than I used to be able to. In fact, sometimes I even initiate conversations! However, both out in the real world and online, despite all the success I have accomplished in regards to my disorders, I still can't seem to find anyone who is willing to talk, form a connection and ultimately be friends.

I went through a stage where I would join PenPal websites and literally email a bunch of people who I thought sounded interesting and similar to me. More often than not, I either didn't receive a response or they were disinterested and ultimately stopped replying. After almost a year of this, I gave up and began to focus on work and study. For a time, I forgot all about the need for friendship, the desire to form connections. I have my boyfriend, and I've been busy with life.

However, in the last few months I have suddenly began to feel that same urge again. I try to tell myself that it's not important right now, in fact I tried to accept a long time ago that friendship just may not be in my future. But I am human, I need connections, and even though I have my boyfriend and my parents, I just want to have at least one friend that I can experience life with. Not being able to just turn to a friend and have a conversation is hard sometimes. Just someone I can confide in when I can't confide in others. Someone I can have fun with and grow with.

With this need beginning to surface again, I messaged an old acquaintance. It was quite a step for me as I was taking a risk; maybe they wouldn't reply, maybe they wouldn't care. In the end, they did reply to me, but only once; when I tried making further conversation, their responses came to a halt and even further emails didn't seem to encourage them to reply. This past week I also decided to message another person from my past; it's been about 11 years since we last spoke, but it didn't entirely end on bad terms so I felt like re-connecting with them could be a positive thing. They did respond to me but responses have been slow and it makes me feel as if maybe they aren't as invested as I am. Which is fine, I can't force them to do anything, but I feel a little deflated about it.

Now I have been surfing more PenPal websites and emailing a bunch of different people again. None of the messages are desperate, I don't "broadcast" this need for friendship, I simply keep conversations short and focused on what we have in common. However, as with my first experience in this, people don't seem to care to respond or they lose interest very quickly and I'm soon forgotten.

I really don't understand why it is so hard for me to interest someone, to have people actually want to get to know me and have a regular conversation with me. This has always been a struggle and a hard thing to comprehend, but now I can't blame it on any disorder. I don't really know what to blame it on. Or if there is blame to be set. All I know is that I'm increasingly feeling more and more lonely. I don't know what to do anymore.
Hey, catching up with old friends is a good idea, but those people probably have their own problems and situations currently occupying their mind, which is probably why they aren’t as invested in re-establishing a friendship. Their reluctance to reply probably has nothing to do with you ☺.

Most friendships emerge as a by-product of something else, such as attending an event regularly or going to a class. Have you thought about starting a hobby or going to a place regularly?

Being social usually requires some degree of investment of energy and time, which is why it’s hard to directly make friends with strangers.

If all else fails at you can talk to us 😝.
 
somedaymaybe

somedaymaybe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
227
Location
Australia
Hey, catching up with old friends is a good idea, but those people probably have their own problems and situations currently occupying their mind, which is probably why they aren’t as invested in re-establishing a friendship. Their reluctance to reply probably has nothing to do with you ☺.

Most friendships emerge as a by-product of something else, such as attending an event regularly or going to a class. Have you thought about starting a hobby or going to a place regularly?

Being social usually requires some degree of investment of energy and time, which is why it’s hard to directly make friends with strangers.

If all else fails at you can talk to us 😝.
Thank you for your comment.

I study and go to class every week, I also have a job that I go to multiple times a week. So I think I see a fair amount of people for there to be a chance at establishing a friendship, but yet it has not happened.

Thanks. :p
 
N

NWYL

New member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Addis Ababa
I've posted here before about having this desperate need to make friends and being unsuccessful. This is currently still a problem for me.

When I had severe social anxiety, it made sense that I didn't have any friendships. But I thought this would change once I started to overcome my fears. I believe I am more sociable now; as in, I won't clam up if someone speaks to me and I like to think I can offer more to a conversation now more than I used to be able to. In fact, sometimes I even initiate conversations! However, both out in the real world and online, despite all the success I have accomplished in regards to my disorders, I still can't seem to find anyone who is willing to talk, form a connection and ultimately be friends.

I went through a stage where I would join PenPal websites and literally email a bunch of people who I thought sounded interesting and similar to me. More often than not, I either didn't receive a response or they were disinterested and ultimately stopped replying. After almost a year of this, I gave up and began to focus on work and study. For a time, I forgot all about the need for friendship, the desire to form connections. I have my boyfriend, and I've been busy with life.

However, in the last few months I have suddenly began to feel that same urge again. I try to tell myself that it's not important right now, in fact I tried to accept a long time ago that friendship just may not be in my future. But I am human, I need connections, and even though I have my boyfriend and my parents, I just want to have at least one friend that I can experience life with. Not being able to just turn to a friend and have a conversation is hard sometimes. Just someone I can confide in when I can't confide in others. Someone I can have fun with and grow with.

With this need beginning to surface again, I messaged an old acquaintance. It was quite a step for me as I was taking a risk; maybe they wouldn't reply, maybe they wouldn't care. In the end, they did reply to me, but only once; when I tried making further conversation, their responses came to a halt and even further emails didn't seem to encourage them to reply. This past week I also decided to message another person from my past; it's been about 11 years since we last spoke, but it didn't entirely end on bad terms so I felt like re-connecting with them could be a positive thing. They did respond to me but responses have been slow and it makes me feel as if maybe they aren't as invested as I am. Which is fine, I can't force them to do anything, but I feel a little deflated about it.

Now I have been surfing more PenPal websites and emailing a bunch of different people again. None of the messages are desperate, I don't "broadcast" this need for friendship, I simply keep conversations short and focused on what we have in common. However, as with my first experience in this, people don't seem to care to respond or they lose interest very quickly and I'm soon forgotten.

I really don't understand why it is so hard for me to interest someone, to have people actually want to get to know me and have a regular conversation with me. This has always been a struggle and a hard thing to comprehend, but now I can't blame it on any disorder. I don't really know what to blame it on. Or if there is blame to be set. All I know is that I'm increasingly feeling more and more lonely. I don't know what to do anymore.
Now that you have got ride of your anxiety, you are in a position to make friends. But it will only go naturally. Being social is a skill by itself. People like me (may be like you too) who are on the way out of anxiety think that things are smooth after that.

What I have learnt in my more than 15 years of struggle to make friends is that people need you to be at the same level of personality and respect as them, or more.

Anyways, try to love yourself and your current way of life. Build an open heart to love and embrace people. Then, people will start to come to your life and may be at some point you will be short of time for loneliness. In any case, I don't think panicking and desperately knocking every door is a way to make real friendship.
 
Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 31, 2017
Messages
189
Location
Germany
I can really relate to what you say. After having nobody close to me for all my life (27 now) and sometimes having acquaintances has already been a huge accomplishment, last year I thought I have actually found real friends. Sadly after a short period of time it turned out I have not. They just have minimal interest in me. That really showed me that some people just don't have the luck to find friends. I also had regular episodes in which I messaged old acquaintances, I still do, but it often just hurts feeling that abandonment again.

I am sorry I can't be helpful. Just know you are not alone with this. I am diagnosed with social anxiety too.

I never heard of PenPal. What can you do there?
 
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