Feeling really down

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dewey

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Also had a call back today from the domestic abuse centre, they said to just stay away. They said it's medium risk and they'll close the case until he needs any health care. Just sent an e-mail to Cruse about the counselling so hoping to hear back soon. Trying to deal with anxiety now.
It is a difficult situation.

You are being so strong to both give him some time, but also keep your distance.

I do believe that though it may sound heartless, sometimes we have to draw a line with these kinds of people and keep them out of our lives for a while. It is difficult in your position as you may regret not having a relationship with your father etc etc but also you need to realise his toxicity.

Lunus posted me some great articles on radical acceptance. It can be very hard to practice, but I hope it will be a source of support to you
Three Blocks to Radical Acceptance

What It Really Means to Practice Radical Acceptance

"
f I accept what happened, then I approve of it. Then I like it. Then I’m OK with it. Then I excuse the abuse. Then I absolve the person who deeply hurt me of all responsibility. Then I allow the infidelity. Then I can’t do anything about losing my job or losing my home. I can’t change it. Then I resign myself to being miserable. Then I keep wallowing and suffering.


Radical acceptance doesn’t mean any of these things. “It simply means that you are acknowledging reality,” said psychotherapist Sheri Van Dijk, MSW, RSW. You are acknowledging what happened or what’s currently happening. Because fighting reality only intensifies our emotional reaction, she said.
+
 
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Sarah63689

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Thank you @dewey, I've had to accept the situation now, have been making allowances for him for a long time.

I've tried to be strong but it's given me a lot of anxiety in other areas of my life. They just phoned me back to say ask if I would be interested in a course but there's a long waiting list. She said she thought I was worrying too much which is true but made me feel worse. I feel like there's no help if you have a mental health problem, I know you have to help yourself but it's really hard. Feel better than I did a few weeks ago though so hope things are improving 😊
 
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Sarah63689

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Sorry if I sounded angry @dewey, got a bit upset about the phone call. It's kept me motivated to sort things out but I do have to accept situations and it's not helpful long-term. Thank you for the articles, I'll take a proper look at them, they look really helpful 😊
 
Warrior

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Hi Abby, I'm glad you understand. Am keeping in touch with him and making sure he's okay. I already feel guilty about other things, so you're right I don't need that.

It does make you feel really low and it's given me anxiety.

The counselling appt that I had was at a centre for patients/relatives. Was hoping they'd offer me counselling there but he said to wait for the bereavement counselling and talk about both things together. I'm worried in case something should happen to him but he's okay at the moment. Need to know though what to do, so hopefully it shouldn't be much longer.

Glad the counselling helped you. Think when you've been through something like that it stays with you even though you can find a way to get through and move on. Hopefully it will get easier over time.

😊 xx (can't get the emojis to work on your posts for some reason!)
Hi Sarah, at least your making sure he's ok because some people with illnesses like that plus also carrying the personality he does, the play on issues more to make that extra guilt kick in which you don't need.

Sarah I adored my dad but while my mom was alive even when I wasn't living at home, omg my life was a nightmare and when she passed on and I know this might sound bad but my mental state felt relief, yet I miss my dad so much.

Yes I would wait for the bereavement counselling but saying that the counsellor I saw came in and saw me each week but she was covered in all aspects to deal with a person, where some are only in one area of a field of work and in my opinion I think you need someone like I had to chat about issues you've gone through and how it's affected you mentally.

My past as stopped with me because I've had so many issues with me, which I've not mentioned on here as I feel ashamed, my hubby knows and certain things make me mention them again and he'll say try and forget it it's in the past but for some reason I can't mentally let go.

Not to worry about the emojo (Hugs & :love: ) Abby xxx
 
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Jules5

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My mom is terminally ill-she is the sweetest person on earth through it all. Your dad is lucky to have you.
 
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Sarah63689

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Thank you @Jules5, I'm really sorry to hear about your mom
 
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Sarah63689

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Hi Abby, :)

I felt like I shouldn't be phoning the domestic abuse helpline but the counsellor that I saw said I should and didn't know what else to do. Feel like they have more important cases where people are in real danger. I didn't think they'd be able to do anything really, they can only advise me to stay away. Have done everything I can for the moment, so feel better about that. He will make me feel guilty because he has a lot of health conditions and has a lot of anxiety about his health. He's got a cat as well so I need to make sure she's okay.

Have got too stressed thinking about it and have had some other problems so am trying to relax more. There's always a long waiting list for counselling so it's best to try to help myself in the meantime....
 
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Sarah63689

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Sorry you had such a difficult time with your mum, think it's normal to feel relief in that situation when someone's been treating you so badly. Think people are like that because they can't cope, not that it's an excuse.

Things do stay with you, I'm not sure what you do about it, have got some issues that I can't talk about too that have caused problems but it makes them worse not dealing with them. Sometimes writing it down helps. Think maybe in future they'll come a time when we can feel better about them somehow.

Have got the emoji's working :clap::grouphug::grouphug:
 
HauntedWitch

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have got some issues that I can't talk about too that have caused problems but it makes them worse not dealing with them. Sometimes writing it down helps. Think maybe in future they'll come a time when we can feel better about them somehow.
Sometimes those issues do go away on their own. I know from experience. It's too bad to have to keep it all bottled up inside, but I understand not being able to talk about things. There are a ton of things I don't talk to people about for many reasons. Keeping a journal can be helpful.
 
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Sarah63689

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@HauntedWitch, sorry for the late reply. Yes that's a good idea, I found an old diary a couple of weeks ago about something I'd been worrying about, so hopefully that will help. I feel guilty about a lot of things which is the hardest to deal with.
 
HauntedWitch

HauntedWitch

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@HauntedWitch, sorry for the late reply. Yes that's a good idea, I found an old diary a couple of weeks ago about something I'd been worrying about, so hopefully that will help. I feel guilty about a lot of things which is the hardest to deal with.
Good luck with the diary! I know a lot about guilt, having let myself down. I have never lived up to anyone's expectations.

I'm taking a 'vacation from guilt' -- an idea I developed as a result of research. I'm saying 'no' to people projecting emotions onto me, and I'm stopping 'should' thoughts. The 'vacation' isn't about condoning bad behavior. It's about feeling what I want to feel and accepting it, instead of suppressing it. It's about not feeling what I don't want to feel, and not judging myself. It's about acknowledging whether what I did or said really was wrong or not, and moving on from it, instead of wallowing in regret. The purpose is to find the real me, which was buried under somebody else's rules.
 
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Sarah63689

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@HauntedWitch, Thank you. I've noticed people like to project their inadequates and failings onto you and also like to keep you in your place and tell you how you should live your life. I've got a habit of feeling guilty for things that other people wouldn't bother about but then they're the things that maybe I should feel bad for.

Think writing it down will help me work out what parts I'm responsible for because sometimes I just get a guilty feeling and I'm sure if I'm remembering it right.
 
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Sarah63689

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@NWiddi, could you tell me please how to add the 'hugs', I worked out how to do the thumbs up, but can't find that one. Not sure if it's because I've got an old phone :):)
 
HauntedWitch

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@HauntedWitch,Think writing it down will help me work out what parts I'm responsible for because sometimes I just get a guilty feeling and I'm sure if I'm remembering it right.
That's an idea. When something is on paper, then you can kind of underline exactly where you're taking on too much responsibility for something, if that's what is happening. Maybe there's a pattern to when and why it happens too.
 
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Sarah63689

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Hi, I'm meeting a friend this afternoon, does anyone know what I should say about the situation with my Dad (him being emotionally abusive?) He knows a bit about it but don't want to talk about it too much. I just need something to say about it. Thank you
 
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Sarah63689

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Still waiting for counselling, sent an email a few weeks ago and not heard back, they don't seem to answer their emails or voice mails. Got to see my Dad soon, have something that I borrowed from him before the holiday. Have seen a few friends but felt very anxious and didn't have enough to talk about. Hope this improves because it's upsetting me. Have been on walks to try to feel better and trying to think of other things to do.
 
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