• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Feeling Really Down In My Last Year of Sixth Form

S

syt97

Member
Joined
May 13, 2013
Messages
6
I have had PTSD since I was 14 if it's relevant, all my friends moved out when I was around 15 so I have basically had no real bestfriend since then and I'm 19 now, and not sure if it's relevant but I have ADHD which may explain my failure in school.

I'm currently resitting sixth form for my last year here at 19 y/o around some 17 and mainly 18 year olds. I feel so behind everyone I used to know and like an utter failure recently.

During the first year with my new year group last year, I felt really happy I got along well with them and I consistently made people laugh and had a class clown persona which was who I always was at heart I guess...however when the second year came along, I just all of a sudden started to feel alienated.

I feel like they may have called my bluff and have realised I'm just an ugly loner that nobody likes outside of school that had no friends and just sat in listening to shit music when he was 15 and onwards.

Now I feel like I'm starting to identify myself with that persona although no one has explicitly said that to me yet...I can just feel like they know it about me.

I've been particularly fond of this girl as well since I joined the year group, but have literally lost all my self-esteem now I just feel awkward as fuck around her, I just feel like she won't ever be interested in me now, and I feel like she may have previously been. Never having a girlfriend is also one of my 'shames'.

I have had a few suicidal thoughts every now and then and I have been having reoccuring nightmares constantly for the past few weeks and I've been losing sleep as well. The nightmares seem to be relevant to my PTSD experiences also.

I just wanted to feel like my teen years weren't just a complete waste of time or an embarrassment to my existence as they are the supposed best years of your life but it has been complete and utter shit. The last time I was truly happy was when I was 12 - 13 y/o until I got PTSD and all my friends moved away.

But the restart of sixth form has been a complete joke...It was fine for september and october but I just don't know what happened.

TMI but: I've been on the nofap thing for the past 3 years or so, whenever I 'relapse' I get so incredibly angry at myself, I don't know why but the next day I feel even more depressed and I literally won't go to school because of it.

So guys...what can I do to be happy again? seriously...

I already go to the gym for the past year and a half for 3-5 days a week, I skateboard, I play bass guitar, I just don't understand what I should do to be me again.

Thanks for taking the time to read

One last thing, I've been talking to an online friend for the past years...I know this is rude but I kind of feel like I should cut her out of my life.

I feel like i'm holding her back, and I'm using her as a crutch to stay inside and not be social, not to mention things can get a bit perverted and it makes me feel really ill afterwards mentally. I'll feel so guilty afterwards as well idk what to do really.

I want to climb out of this depression as quickly as possible before I sink deeper...considering my past experieinces, I don't want to reset my progress that I've made in the past year...
 
Last edited:
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
52,691
Location
Lancashire
Hiya and :welcome: to the forum. Who ever said that teenage was the happiest time of our lives must have been one superficial twerp! I loathed teenage and was so glad to get older. You are a fish out of water at the moment, being older and not with your peer group, and it would make anyone's esteem take a knock.

The girl you are talking to? Keep talking with her, she wants to know you, and that is her choice. All I can suggest is that you put your head down, get through this year and see it as time you have to endure to get your A levels. I suspect your friends don't see you as a nobody, most people are just moving forward with their own fears and needs. Unfortunately, most don't look left or right to see what others may feel or need.

Are you getting counselling for your PTSD? You should ask for some and the doctors now have the capability to offer that more. I would suggest you ask and see if you can get that help. It may mean you have to wait a little while whilst they find an opening for you.

You say you are naturally the class clown - that is brilliant! Sometimes, we need to put on a mask, even if we don't feel it, and you know what, we find we move into that part of our persona. Its just an idea. But you shouldn't be suffering with PTSD alone honey.

I hope others come on soon to reach out, but its night time here in UK, so sometimes people are in bed right now. But hold on and keep checking and people will appear tomorrow, if not tonight.
 

MarlieeB

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,044
:welcome: to the forum.

I can't really add to what Calypso said.

Sometimes a online friend is the best friend to have, well imo. I find with online friends I can truly be myself and I have made some great friends. I guess I'm lucky, some have had bad experiences so please don't cut that person out of your life, she seems to be great for you :)

Take care.

Marliee x
 
S

syt97

Member
Joined
May 13, 2013
Messages
6
Thanks a lot for the responses guys,

Just realised my post was a bit on the emotional side so sorry for the wall of text

I was in treatment for my PTSD, seeing a therapsit, but they wanted to give me a EMDR whilst recording me, and I kind of chickened out at the last second in early november and I haven't seen anyone since then.

I am really anxious about turning 20 in about 4 months as well, so thanks for reassuring me, just feels like I missed out on a lot during my teens sometimes
 
Last edited:

MarlieeB

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,044
No need to be sorry about typing what you feel. It's better to type it all down rather than bottling it all up :)
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 25, 2014
Messages
4,861
I tried sixth form second time and i last two weeks. You've come this far it'd be a shame to give it all up now!
Tbh all my 'friends' now are after school anyway bar one but we known each other forever!
On a light hearted note everyone knows girls don't go for bassists ;)
 
Top