Feeling paranoid and para-suicidal

vanish

vanish

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Title says it all really. I feel like harming myself and being instucted by voices to die. Don't worry about me though as I won't, as if I survive I'll be made homeless again as I'll be kicked out of where I am living I think. I don't want to upset the applecart so to speak. Because I volunteer in peer support, I am embarrassed about reaching out for help. I am supposed to hold it together for the sake of others. Not be in the abyss. Therapy the other night was shit and it was my first session for about a year.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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hi i think you should reach out for help x there is nothing to be embarressed about in asking for support ,i do it all the time

please don't listen to the voices ,listen to us on here ,your friends ,we want you to be safe and happy

sending lots of love Lu x
 
vanish

vanish

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Thanks for replying Lu, I made it through the night, although I am exhausted today. I am supposed to be working on assignments for college but every time I open up the online portal for lodging assignments, I gag from anxiety. I told my wife that I was hearing Asher and the others last night, but she seemed to get mad at me so I let it go. It isn't helpful when she gets mad at my voices because I feel like she is getting mad at me because she cannoy communicate directly with them like I can.
I took an extra Largactil to sleep better but I didn't really sleep that well but at least I wasn't hallucinating so openly that things were attacking me (like I did the night before). People don't seem to think that this snafu is a big deal when it frightens me every time it happens. It is like there is no escape from it. I was watching tv last night and my wife turned it over to a paranormal investigation programme which I thought was pretty insensitive really (but what can you do?).
I feel exhausted today but a massive ball of anxiety. It is something I can't get past no matter what I do. I literally feel sick. I went to my old therapist and asked to see her again to help address this anxiety. It was a hopeless session, it really was. I walked out paranoid walking down the street that I was going to be bashed or mugged (or both).
It is so weird to explain. I just want to be free and the only way I see that happening is the most extreme solution. I'm torn. I used to tell people that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". Thing is it hasn't been temporary for me, I've been struggling for 12 years since my first episode.
 
embleton

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Hi vanish,

I have an aversion to TV and some programmes set off episodes and have even driven me to a hospital with the impact of the illness that you and I share. War references are a key element in triggers for me when they occur in hallucinations or reality on the news that doesn't really mean much to me.

Nice to meet you and take care.
 
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Twokiwisandabanana

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Living with paranoia is so difficult I really can relate sending a massive:hug1::hug1::
 
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Nightingale77

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Hi Vanish, sorry to hear you are going through so much and thank you for coming forward to share your story. It must have been hard to live with this amount of darkness every day and not knowing what to do and how to come out of it. Sorry also that your Wife may seem a little insensitive towards your predicament. I have a feeling she might not know how to encourage you or help you to feel better that she may feel that not having to deal with it may help you to get well faster. I’m sure either way doesn’t indicate her lack of interest in you or lack of concern at all. Try to have a sincere heart to heart talk with her, telling her how it feels like for you sometimes and what she can do to help you move out the anxiety loop or just being there supporting you. You mentioned you have a therapist. Is she helping you much apart from the last session which you described as ‘hopeless’? Otherwise, have you consider changing therapist or maybe talk to a counselor? Hope you will feel better soon. We are here to listen and journey with you. Just keeping writing if you feel that it helps you to cope. Be well and take care. God bless!
 
vanish

vanish

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Hey there nightingale77, I did end up having a talk with my wife regarding how I am feeling. She told me she wasn't talking to me when she was getting mad, rather she was talking with my voices. She got very defensive when I told her I wanted to check into a peer-run recovery house soon to work on overcoming my 'stuff' in a supported environment. She has her own mh issues (she is borderline) and believes I want to leave her or that I'm not coming back (I know this is her abandonment fears manifesting). I've reassured her as much as I can that I am only going for a week and she can visit me as much as she wants and phone me at any time. She thinks it is like hospital, which it is nothing like it and unlike hospital, I won't be there for months on end.
With the therapist, I know she won't try hypnotism again after it didn't work. I'd much rather 'talk it out' and deal with uncomfortable stuff when it arises. I'd rather be forced to talk about my issues, than let them fester and cause more problems (if that makes sense). I firmly believe that trauma in childhood/adolesence has altered my brain to be susceptible to schizoaffective disorder.
 
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Nightingale77

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Hi Vanish, how are you feeling today? I’m Glad the talk happened between you and your Wife. I would imagine the talk was tough due to your wife’s condition as well. But you know what? The first step to communicate is a big and good step towards healing and bringing both of you together. Is your Wife talking to a therapis too?or is she on meds to help her cope?? Either way, I hope she has some form of help. Peer-run recovery house seems like a good idea. Do they run programe for couples too?? Might be good to go with your Wife if they have. In a way, it’s assuring for her. :)
 
vanish

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Unfortunately Nightingale77, it isn't for couples as they are only single rooms. She is on a medium dose antipsychotic and an antidepressant for her BPD and is currently looking for a new therapist, as her current one has a cancer diagnosis and understandably has taken a leave of absence from her practice.
We talked a lot today about it again and she said as long as she can visit me, it should be okay. We both have iPhones too, so she is welcome to Facetime me also.
 
vanish

vanish

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I feel insanely low tonight. I am sitting in the lounge room of my house surrounded by my Mrs' family (including kids) and I can't bring myself to speak to any of them. Blasting music in my ears to block out the evil voices I hear. I just feel really bad, you know? I'm thinking all sorts of crazy shiz. I half feel like running around screaming (but won't) and half like falling into a heap of tears. Where is this even coming from? It's like I'm being controlled by something else.
 
vanish

vanish

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Feeling incredibly suicidal. I've just got to hold it all together. Someone accessed by laptop after I left it in the lounge room and switched my virus protection off. Now nothing works. It was the final straw which broke the camel's back. I get little sleep and when I do I have these vividly warped dreams where everything is just so screwed up.
FUBAR - that's me!
 
vanish

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How do I even begin to tell my wife how I am feeling? I just don't know. The children are here and they don't deserve that.
 
vanish

vanish

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I want to drink and take drugs again. How wrong is that? Eleven years ago I stopped that behaviour because, well, I was going to die if I continued.
Now I am desperate to go down that road again.
I don't care much right now what happens to me. I'm basically tired of being the emotional punching bag for everyone and having to be the glue which ties people together.
I was studying to be a social worker, but I couldn't give two hoots about it.
What the heck is wrong with me?
 
boudreauj4

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I think you might be getting very depressed. Maybe you should see your doctor very soon.
 
vanish

vanish

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Yeah I think I might be depressed. Unfortunately I don't my shrink for another two months. He last saw me when I was on a high and he did warn me about the crash.
I've just stopped caring about myself.
 
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