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Feeling lower every day from all I've been through

R

RJB92

Member
Joined
Dec 6, 2015
Messages
15
Hello all. I'm hoping that I can get some advice or talk to people who are/have been in a similar situation as I am. As we all know, 2020 has been an absolutely terrible year and one that we will never forget. The trouble is, even without the pandemic, it's still been the hardest of my life.
Back in early August, my wife (we'd been together for 7 years, married for 3) decided she wanted to leave me, so one day she suddenly left and moved into her parents. The thing is, we have two daughters aged 2 and 4 who she took with her. She spent the first few weeks not letting me see them (for no good reason) and so I got a solicitor/barrister who is going to be representing me in court this coming January. Since those initial weeks, I've seen the girls a bit more, bit no way near as much as I'd like.
In October, she got into a new relationship and quickly rented a new home, in which he has moved into aswell. She left the girls with her mother while they "prepared the house" and they only moved in with her yesterday.
I don't know where they are living, all I know is that's it's not far from mine. I've been feeling so lonely the last few months and even dated a new girl a few weeks ago, but sadly it fizzled out rather quickly. But all I can think of is her and him being together, living the life that I should have with her and the girls, instead of him. It's even getting to the point where I sit at home at night and think "I bet they're right now cuddled up together or doing 'other things together' etc" and I feel like breaking down. I didn't do anything wrong in our relationship, she just fell out of love with me and walked out of our life together, although we are still technically married. For the last couple of months, I've been on dating sites etc (I know I'll probably be about down for that!) Because the loneliness and boredom/frustration is really getting me down. But even on those sites, I must have messaged 200+ women of all types, and never had a single reply.
I just feel like everything in my life has fallen apart and I'll never find that happiness again (I'm not good looking, only have a minimum wage full time job, rent a 2 bedroom flat etc, so hardly a "catch")and I don't know how to be happy again. I'm hoping that the situation with my girls will be sorted at the court case next month and hopefully I'll be awarded 50/50 access/custody or near to that, so in terms of my children things will hopefully be ok in the long run, but it's the other aspect of my life that's just getting me so down, I've even had moments where I've thought about doing something silly, but then have looked at a photo of my children and stopped myself. I don't know what to do! I just feel my wife is in her new place after treating me like ****, and is there with her new bloke (who has even threatened to do all sorts of physical harm to me!) Laughing at me being a single wreck with no future, while they are all loved up and having a great time, acting like they are the parents to the children and I don't exist. It's horrible!!
 
GeminiMoon

GeminiMoon

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 5, 2020
Messages
353
Location
Belgium
I know that pain. It's the unfairness of it that kept me dwelling on it. I didn't even want to meet someone else but I thought at least that would even things out a bit.

Then I imagined if I could do the same thing to her, and she was sitting where I was, feeling as miserable as I was, would I go through with it? I saw the pain and devastation on her face and I knew I couldn't do it. Freedom was knowing I still loved her enough to not want to hurt her back. That is when I could let it go and just think about my own life.

You are very lucky to have two wonderful girls.
 
soul searching

soul searching

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
1,055
Location
Clearwater, Florida
Hi R! Your situation sounds really miserable. Sitting around thinking about it will only make it worse. If I was you, I would try to move on with my own life. Try to find some fun activities, listening to your favorite music, getting some exercise. Maybe try to find a new hobby, something you can really get into. Maybe join a group at a church. what are your interests?
 
D

Deleted member 93850

Former member
What are you messaging to those 200+ women to get no response?
 
R

RJB92

Member
Joined
Dec 6, 2015
Messages
15
Thank you for your replies so far. In regards to getting new hobbies etc, I'm quite shy so wouldnt be comfortable to just go to new groups etc and also, during this pandemic, it's pretty hard to do anything unfortunately! And in terms of the messages I've sent to the women online, it's always messages asking about their hobbies and interests etc and asking questions about them, so every message is different. It's never sexual or anything and yet people just look at my profile and d code to not reply!
 
NewDecember

NewDecember

Member
Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Georgia
Hi, R. It sounds like you are in a rough situation. I hope you will trudge through the situation. I have moved out of my marriage of 30 years last month. I got an apartment 2 miles from my wife and son. I have 15 year old son.

I think I am in 2 weeks into this episode. I was never a happy person, but my depression got overwhelming about 4 years ago. Low testosterones. Since then, every 6 month or so, it become debilitating; do not want to go to work, isolation, not answering calls...

I am beginning to doubt my decision to move out of the house. Holidays, getting old, alcoholism, guilt, fear... I will have to face my reality, hopefully today, and start making some adjustments. I know I need help, and I can not do this alone.

I hope you and I will make it through. Best wishes.
 
R

RJB92

Member
Joined
Dec 6, 2015
Messages
15
I've just found out that where I live (Norfolk in the UK) is being moved to "tier 4" of the covid restrictions as of boxing day. This has got me quite worried now, as it means I'll be spending weeks (I've also been told to shield as I am clinically extremely vulnerable) totally alone, bit able to see anyone and not too sure what it means for seeing my children. I really don't know how I'll cope with this. It just makes me think even more about my ex, how happy she's going to be, at home with her new lover and the children for all this time and I'm going to be in my flat all alone, depressed, worried, upset and completely alone and lonely. Is this just what my life is going to be like permanently now? Even once covid has been beaten, I'll still be alone and lonely constantly. I'm sorry for going on and on, but I'm just so depressed about the future and can't ever see me being truly happy again
 
G

Gem

Active member
Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Messages
43
Location
Liverpool
Im so sorry about your situation. It must hurt like mad. Xx
 
S

shaz11

Active member
Joined
Dec 16, 2020
Messages
41
Location
New Zealand
Sounds really rough and it's understandable you are having a ad time. It's a huge change/disruption in your life so be kind to yourself and give it time to settle. You will be grieving the loss and it's important to allow yourself those feelings. But also start making plans for what your different future might look like. Do it for your kids.
 
AdamP72

AdamP72

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2020
Messages
570
Location
Memphis TN, center of the musical universe
@RJB92

The circumstances were certainly not exactly the same, but were close enough for government work. I went through a divorce five years ago that was not exactly of my choosing, though to be fair, I was unhappy in the marriage.

We've got three kids. It took a ton of time for me to process the divorce emotionally and mentally. Three or four years, I would say. Without question the kids are the most difficult part of the situation for me. I still struggle with this element in numerous ways, but that's a long story in and of itself, and best left for another time & place.

Suffice it to say that I empathize greatly because I've been in nearly the exact same place. As time goes by, you'll find it easier to focus on yourself and find peace, but it's going to take a while and it's going to be painful. (And for what it's worth, I'd suggest staying off the dating sites right now, for a few different reasons. In short, what I've found is that I've manufactured relationships to help me through other situations and as a result, they didn't work out well, only causing me more pain, to say nothing of hurting the other person. Very easy to say, I know, and very difficult advice to take. Once again, I empathize.)

Hang in there, brother. As they say, "This too shall pass". I like to add that it might feel like passing a kidney stone, but it will pass.
 
R

RJB92

Member
Joined
Dec 6, 2015
Messages
15
I literally woke up this morning, sat on my bed, look d to the other side of the bed and thought about how excited my wife and I would have been the last few Christmas Eve mornings to get the flat all tidied, wrap the girls presents and have a couple of drinks throughout the day together, cuddle up on the sofa watching Christmas films while the children would be either cuddled with us or playing in the living room with us etc. There'd be fun, laughter, lots of love and just everything would feel perfect. But now, I woke up, thought about all this and just broke down crying. Everything that I mentioned, my ex will be doing with her new man and our children. I'm supposed to be having the girls at mine tomorrow afternoon, but I'm in such a mess and can't even find the motivation to wrap their presents or write their cards, which makes me feel terrible (I will write them and wrap them at some point today). The thought of the girls waking up tomorrow morning and running through to my ex's bedroom to open their stockings and have cuddles with the new man instead of me is hurting so much aswell. I do sometimes wonder if the children would be better off just having their mum and her partner as their "parents" instead of me being in their lives part time.
 
LuxFer

LuxFer

Active member
Joined
Dec 24, 2020
Messages
29
Location
Cork
Hello all. I'm hoping that I can get some advice or talk to people who are/have been in a similar situation as I am. As we all know, 2020 has been an absolutely terrible year and one that we will never forget. The trouble is, even without the pandemic, it's still been the hardest of my life.
Back in early August, my wife (we'd been together for 7 years, married for 3) decided she wanted to leave me, so one day she suddenly left and moved into her parents. The thing is, we have two daughters aged 2 and 4 who she took with her. She spent the first few weeks not letting me see them (for no good reason) and so I got a solicitor/barrister who is going to be representing me in court this coming January. Since those initial weeks, I've seen the girls a bit more, bit no way near as much as I'd like.
In October, she got into a new relationship and quickly rented a new home, in which he has moved into aswell. She left the girls with her mother while they "prepared the house" and they only moved in with her yesterday.
I don't know where they are living, all I know is that's it's not far from mine. I've been feeling so lonely the last few months and even dated a new girl a few weeks ago, but sadly it fizzled out rather quickly. But all I can think of is her and him being together, living the life that I should have with her and the girls, instead of him. It's even getting to the point where I sit at home at night and think "I bet they're right now cuddled up together or doing 'other things together' etc" and I feel like breaking down. I didn't do anything wrong in our relationship, she just fell out of love with me and walked out of our life together, although we are still technically married. For the last couple of months, I've been on dating sites etc (I know I'll probably be about down for that!) Because the loneliness and boredom/frustration is really getting me down. But even on those sites, I must have messaged 200+ women of all types, and never had a single reply.
I just feel like everything in my life has fallen apart and I'll never find that happiness again (I'm not good looking, only have a minimum wage full time job, rent a 2 bedroom flat etc, so hardly a "catch")and I don't know how to be happy again. I'm hoping that the situation with my girls will be sorted at the court case next month and hopefully I'll be awarded 50/50 access/custody or near to that, so in terms of my children things will hopefully be ok in the long run, but it's the other aspect of my life that's just getting me so down, I've even had moments where I've thought about doing something silly, but then have looked at a photo of my children and stopped myself. I don't know what to do! I just feel my wife is in her new place after treating me like ****, and is there with her new bloke (who has even threatened to do all sorts of physical harm to me!) Laughing at me being a single wreck with no future, while they are all loved up and having a great time, acting like they are the parents to the children and I don't exist. It's horrible!!
As time goes on you will move on from your ex. I know its not worth a hill of beans just now but it will get easier. I have 2 girls and ive not seen them for a long time so I know how hard breaks up are. Channel you energy into your kids. Thats all that matters 👍
 
S

shaz11

Active member
Joined
Dec 16, 2020
Messages
41
Location
New Zealand
I literally woke up this morning, sat on my bed, look d to the other side of the bed and thought about how excited my wife and I would have been the last few Christmas Eve mornings to get the flat all tidied, wrap the girls presents and have a couple of drinks throughout the day together, cuddle up on the sofa watching Christmas films while the children would be either cuddled with us or playing in the living room with us etc. There'd be fun, laughter, lots of love and just everything would feel perfect. But now, I woke up, thought about all this and just broke down crying. Everything that I mentioned, my ex will be doing with her new man and our children. I'm supposed to be having the girls at mine tomorrow afternoon, but I'm in such a mess and can't even find the motivation to wrap their presents or write their cards, which makes me feel terrible (I will write them and wrap them at some point today). The thought of the girls waking up tomorrow morning and running through to my ex's bedroom to open their stockings and have cuddles with the new man instead of me is hurting so much aswell. I do sometimes wonder if the children would be better off just having their mum and her partner as their "parents" instead of me being in their lives part time.
The girls will be excited about seeing their Dad on boxing day. They get two Christmasses! :) Try and make the most of every chance you get to spend with them as they will really appreciate you :) The other guy is not their dad.
 
G

Gem

Active member
Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Messages
43
Location
Liverpool
The girls will be excited about seeing their Dad on boxing day. They get two Christmasses! :) Try and make the most of every chance you get to spend with them as they will really appreciate you :) The other guy is not their dad.
I used to be so happy about the double bubble,
 
G

Gem

Active member
Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Messages
43
Location
Liverpool
I used to be so happy about the double bubble,
Now me and my sister are adults, we really appreciate the efforts our dad put in. Please keep trying, your girls will love you more for it
 

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