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Feeling lonely/isolated

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paxton

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 21, 2012
Messages
67
Hey there,
I guess after crying for an hour with no apparent result I might as well seek advice or feedback in this forum... my mood is as usual all over the place and I can't find balance. My whole life seems to be chaos right now. Everywhere I look is chaos, everything I think about (if I can hold a thought that long) is chaos. Watching DVD's is too much for me right now to handle.
And in the middle of that I feel so isolated with no place to talk about this f**king disease! No one understands what it's like to not be in charge of your mood, to not have balance.... I feel so useless. And stressed. And chaotic.
I put all the meds in my little pill box this morning - they're so many!! It's so pathetic to have to take so much medication. And then I'm tempted to take everything at once and get it over with. :( I have nothing to hold on to anymore, everything is just this dark mist at the moment - and beneath that I can feel the mania waiting to strike again. My hands tremble from the Lithium, I can't do anything (reading/watching TV/walking) because I can't concentrate and my thoughts are racing.
And now I'm here, complaining to y'all. :(
I just wish someone in my vicinity would care and understand me. My Eating Disorder is something people talk about, the Bipolar Disorder is ignored. :(
sorry for rambling.
 
S

Sherie

New member
Joined
Mar 4, 2012
Messages
1
Paxton,
Just wanted to let you know I acknowledge and feel what you are going through. Don't be sorry for rambling, it is better to explain how you are feeling rather than keeping everything hidden. Many others will know what it is like, I can only say that as time ticks by so do these feelings. If you feel mania coming on can you speak to your doctor?
 
P

paxton

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 21, 2012
Messages
67
Hi Sherie,
I could talk to my doctor, she gave me her cell number for emergencies but I've been calling her the past two weekends because I was really high. Don't want to call her again! That just makes me seem needy and pathetic.
 
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mckie

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Joined
Feb 3, 2012
Messages
440
Haaaaaaave y ou looked up bi=[olar on the net. I haven't sodon't know if it is helpful. But at least it will keep you occupied which is wht your brain needs in moderation. Do you sleep well.? sleep is a wonderful healer. Or yu could try some computer games. That takes your mind away fromm troubles. At a longer distance I shold see y our doctor again. There is a lot ofinterest and reserch going on inot mental illness. So don't give up hop e. I hope you have some friends you can talk to and that they will listen.
 
P

paxton

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Joined
Feb 21, 2012
Messages
67
Friends who will listen... haha... after I spent some time on the psychiatric ward my "friends" were gone. They ignore me when they see me, they don't talk to me... they just pretend we never met. So no, there's no one who I can talk to. Unfortunately.
But keeping my mind occupied sounds like an option. I'll try that. Thx
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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Moderator
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Jan 2, 2012
Messages
6,931
Location
Teesside
Hi
You can talk to us Paxton, we are here to listen.
We understand on this forum because we have been there. we havent read it in a text book or look about it on line like our therapists/ doctors- we have felt so ill that we wanted the pain to stop. Friends get scared and run away. true friends stick with you, true friends remember what you are really like.
McKie is right - distraction technique is the key! writing on here, talking to people on here, works for me. i actually feel quite sane talking to people on line - in person in a wobbly jelly- so much anxiety.
Please keep strong and keep talking.
Fox
x
 
Pippin49

Pippin49

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Feb 10, 2012
Messages
622
Location
Hampshire
hi Paxton,

yikes. you are on a roll. It sound like your so wired , you can't sit still. I'm glad you tapped out a message ... we are all here for you . I have to admit I don't have bi-polar , but two of my friends do and I'm learning all the time.

If your therapists are concentrating on one aspect and ignoring your bi-polar you need to address this with them or , I think , it will drive you up the wall... I think it already does ! why aren't they listening to you??

would writing stuff down help? I write stories to get stuff out of my mind.

tell me more about how you are feeling, Paxton.

Pip x
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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Hey Paxton, I know how it is to feel lonely and isolated. I tend to burn a lot of bridges with people, and am feeling pretty similar to you right now. It sometimes feels like people only want to talk to you if you are well. So I tend to hide away when I'm not well, and only come out of hiding when I'm feeling better. Everyone is sick of seeing me crying uncontrollably and talking about my troubles, so I try to find other things to talk about, but I still feel so lonely, because there is no one who can truly hear me, not in my "real" life, anyway. I hope you will find some support on here and that it will help you to feel not quite so alone.
 
M

mermaid

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2012
Messages
10
Hi paxton
I feel for you...people that don't have Bipolar Disorder really don't quite understand what we go through.
My son doesn't get why I can't work full time... and so I feel guilty that I'm not bringing in enough $
My husband says I should go for a walk or to the gym but he doesn't feel the Seroquel hangover that I do.... etc
And the damn PILLS! I fill that pillbox am and pm every week and am compliant but my doc thinks I'm not cuz I screwed up once.
So anyway your not alone....sorry for MY rant lol.
Oh and I wish we were able to talk about this (in real life) more openly.

Do you have a therapist?

Maybe take a warm bubble bath to relax.
Flip through some magazines you enjoy.
Take care of yourself and like spunkygirl said you're not alone
 
aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

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Feb 21, 2012
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Location
Sandhurst, Berkshire
Hi Paxton
So sorry to hear your struggling, and im glad you could feel you could talk to us on the foroum we will always be here for you.
You are not pathetic to be taking medication we take it to ease the pain a little bit.
I agree with the others you need to go back and see your GP and if not already to see a counseller or a therapist, they will help you with these thoughts and feelings.
Take care keep storng and keep talking to us.
Katie
xx
 
P

paxton

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Joined
Feb 21, 2012
Messages
67
Hi paxton
I feel for you...people that don't have Bipolar Disorder really don't quite understand what we go through.
My son doesn't get why I can't work full time... and so I feel guilty that I'm not bringing in enough $
My husband says I should go for a walk or to the gym but he doesn't feel the Seroquel hangover that I do.... etc
And the damn PILLS! I fill that pillbox am and pm every week and am compliant but my doc thinks I'm not cuz I screwed up once.
So anyway your not alone....sorry for MY rant lol.
Oh and I wish we were able to talk about this (in real life) more openly.

Do you have a therapist?
Ah how I hate the pills! Whenever I count them and put them in my pillbox I'm amazed at how many different little mean pills in all shapes and colors I have to take. It sucks. But then y'all know that... And I completely understand the Seroquel hangover. Although I am sort of getting the hang of it now. But at the same time my doctor always ups the dose when I finally feel good with it because then I don't sleep.
As per the therapist question: I only have my psychiatrist but she's totally great. She always calls just to check in, I can call her or text her anytime on her private number and she is always great when I'm completely manic or down in the hole. I like her. I had a therapist before but we never talked about the bipolar because at the same time other things are going on. I used to drink a lot and now go to A.A. and on top of that I also have an Eating Disorder. And who would have thought: If I don't eat, the meds won't work. Yuck. I hate food and mostly just skip the eating part... which doesn't make the med regimen any easier. :(
Thanks for letting me vent in here. It really is complicated to find people who will listen when you're not well...:( I'm glad for this forum.
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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Hi Paxton,

Just wondering if you are on any anti-depressants? For couple of years I was on citalopram while also taking Seroquel (quetiapine), and the citalopram kept making me go manic. I had to come off the citalopram, and was on Wellbutrin until I told my psychiatrist I was bingeing/purging. Apparently there is a risk of seizures if you purge while taking wellbutrin, so now I am on Cymbalta, and so far haven't had even a hypomanic episode. Anyway, the whole point of this little ramble is that some anti-depressants can cause people to swing up.
 
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paxton

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Feb 21, 2012
Messages
67
Oh yeah... Citalopram. Celexa. THAT started the whole manic/depressive diagnosis. I mean I was hypomanic and depressed before but not as bad as with the Celexa. I'm also taking Seroquel which kind of works. Wellbutrin doesn't work for me. I get all the side-effects but none of the benefits. Right now I'm taking Depakote, Seroquel, Lithium, Risperdal, Lamictal and Zyprexa. That somewhat works but one of the side-effects is that I throw up once or twice each night. But hey - I can put up with that if I feel normal during the day. Unfortunately that's not the case. And all antidepressants make me more manic or I get the worst side-effects. :(
My psychiatrist wants to try ECT now but I'm scared and I don't want to pay the bills for the hospital...
 
Pippin49

Pippin49

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Feb 10, 2012
Messages
622
Location
Hampshire
electo convulsive therapy ? they still do that? be afraid , very afraid. I've always thought a brain is full of very complex, very small electrical impulses which would be damaged by a larger electrical discharge across the cerebellum. It's like using a sledge hammer to crack a nut. Thats my opinion . two decades ago I was in line for ECT and a friend begged me not to. I listened to her. I may still be what I am but I know I am what I am. so to speak.
 
P

paxton

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Joined
Feb 21, 2012
Messages
67
Well my psychiatrist tells me it's not like it used to be and since both love Star Wars she directed me to the book "Shocaholic" by Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia, for those Non-Star Wars people). She's been having ECT for quite a while now and she writes about it in her book. It's apparently not so bad. What I'm afraid of is the fact that part of the memory gets lost every time you have the ECT. Not the long-term memory but part of the short-term memory, so you forget what's been happening shortly before and after the ECT. So... that doesn't sound so bad but I'm afraid it will cost a fortune and I'm not exactly rich. And my insurance might or might not cover it. I don't know.
 
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