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Feeling like i've lost myself

anodyne

anodyne

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May 27, 2021
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I wake up most mornings with this worrying feeling that I've wasted or am in the process of wasting my life. Go to my easy boring job, make a bunch of stupid mistakes because i can't do shit right. Worry I'll get fired one of these days. No friends because i've never been able to relate to anyone and frankly im a weird asshole to the people i have known. Live with mom even though i could probably afford my own place with my savings. Don't do anything with my free time but watch YouTube videos and play videogames. Hate my body but can't keep up any kind of routine. Feeling like I don't know myself. Feeling like I'm not even a person. Can't remember the things I used to value in life, or why i valued them. Don't even know what i would have to do to change. Or i do know and i can't keep up the resolve to actually improve
 
M

ManDss

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"Feeling like I'm not even a person. Can't remember the things I used to value in life, or why i valued them".

I relate to this a lot.

Dont you think you can do some things to change your life ? What kind of things would you like to do ?

I know after have a bad life, we start to think "I was able to do this, and that, I could have chosen do this and that, and dont have a present like this", and I understand that grief, but see if there are things you can do to feel better now.
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

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Mar 3, 2020
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USA
My job isn't 'easy' or 'boring', it's high pressure. But I feel equally bad when I make mistakes, it really discourages me. For example, I had to set up a meeting for next Tuesday using new software which I was unfamiliar with. I thought I had it figured out, sent out the request and it came out wrong-and got emailed to folks I hadn't intended and the meeting time came out wrong for whatever reason. I spent half an hour having to clean up my mess-up and feeling like a real doofus. On top of it I got several text messages on my messup, some folks on the distribution had to follow-up on the mistake even though I immediately put out a cancellation.

When trivial crap like that happens I feel like such a failure. My company is all the time changing processes and software, it's hard to keep up with it. Especially when you get to be my age. I'm so looking forward to retiring next year, let the younger folks deal with these headaches-I've done my bit and then some.
 
U

Usedup

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Apr 23, 2021
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Yeah I feel like I've wasted my life. Never really knew what I wanted to do and am really not smart enough to get through difficult math and science. I am blessed to have the job I have and should feel grateful but I really don't. I don't relate well to others easily. I'm not a schmoozer who can BS with people about anything. I'm an introverted mess who fakes it every day and that's tiresome.
 
anodyne

anodyne

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"Feeling like I'm not even a person. Can't remember the things I used to value in life, or why i valued them".

I relate to this a lot.

Dont you think you can do some things to change your life ? What kind of things would you like to do ?

I know after have a bad life, we start to think "I was able to do this, and that, I could have chosen do this and that, and dont have a present like this", and I understand that grief, but see if there are things you can do to feel better now.
Moving out would be a start. For over a year now, I've wanted to move out of the state I live in (I live in the US). I still live at home and for a long time last year I was unemployed. I have an ample amount of savings, but my prospects of finding a job are worrying since I didn't have much experience to begin with and now have an eight-month plus gap in my resume. Plus, I simply don't perform well at any job, the routine makes me depressed.

I don't know, I've talked a long time about just moving across the country and starting over, may be the best first step.
 
anodyne

anodyne

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My job isn't 'easy' or 'boring', it's high pressure. But I feel equally bad when I make mistakes, it really discourages me. For example, I had to set up a meeting for next Tuesday using new software which I was unfamiliar with. I thought I had it figured out, sent out the request and it came out wrong-and got emailed to folks I hadn't intended and the meeting time came out wrong for whatever reason. I spent half an hour having to clean up my mess-up and feeling like a real doofus. On top of it I got several text messages on my messup, some folks on the distribution had to follow-up on the mistake even though I immediately put out a cancellation.

When trivial crap like that happens I feel like such a failure. My company is all the time changing processes and software, it's hard to keep up with it. Especially when you get to be my age. I'm so looking forward to retiring next year, let the younger folks deal with these headaches-I've done my bit and then some.
There's a quote from the film "Waking Life" which I always think of when I tell people that my life is actually not difficult but I'm depressed: "some people suffer from too little life, others from too much." The biggest issue in my life has been that it's always been too comfortable: I've never had to extend myself, really, coasted through my degree on a decent writinf ability, never had much responsibility, was sheltered and never had a circle of friends that would drink or party or anything. I imagine a lot of younger people have to deal with some kind of transition to responsibility and awareness that they didn't have before, however I feel in my case I have a lot more ground to cover and a lot loss confidence or competence in my own abilities.

I'm sorry to hear you're unappreciated at myour work, that sucks. At least you are conscientious enough to put in your best effort though. Your retirement will be well deserved, hope you put it to good use 😎
 
anodyne

anodyne

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Yeah I feel like I've wasted my life. Never really knew what I wanted to do and am really not smart enough to get through difficult math and science. I am blessed to have the job I have and should feel grateful but I really don't. I don't relate well to others easily. I'm not a schmoozer who can BS with people about anything. I'm an introverted mess who fakes it every day and that's tiresome.
I talked about this in another post, but relating to others is very difficult for me. I don't have any social media (not because I'm trying to make a point, just because I never found it interesting and I'm too self-conscious to post things about myself online where people can see who i am), and to most people that marks me out as a weirdo immediately. This may sound overly pretentious or self-righteous, but I really feel that the times we live are especially shallow and introverted, thoughtful people are struggling more than before.
 
M

Marianda

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Nov 18, 2019
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South America
My job isn't 'easy' or 'boring', it's high pressure. But I feel equally bad when I make mistakes, it really discourages me. For example, I had to set up a meeting for next Tuesday using new software which I was unfamiliar with. I thought I had it figured out, sent out the request and it came out wrong-and got emailed to folks I hadn't intended and the meeting time came out wrong for whatever reason. I spent half an hour having to clean up my mess-up and feeling like a real doofus. On top of it I got several text messages on my messup, some folks on the distribution had to follow-up on the mistake even though I immediately put out a cancellation.

When trivial crap like that happens I feel like such a failure. My company is all the time changing processes and software, it's hard to keep up with it. Especially when you get to be my age. I'm so looking forward to retiring next year, let the younger folks deal with these headaches-I've done my bit and then some.
I hate setting up meetings with that strange and difficult software. I always made mistakes and had to ask for help from a good samaritan willing to SOS me .

In the past there used to be assistants/secretaries that handled that type of crap. Nowadays professionals have to do lots time consuming administrative tasks . It's precious time waisted that could be allocated to the company projects .
 
HellRider

HellRider

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Jan 28, 2021
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61
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Montreal
I wake up most mornings with this worrying feeling that I've wasted or am in the process of wasting my life. Go to my easy boring job, make a bunch of stupid mistakes because i can't do shit right. Worry I'll get fired one of these days. No friends because i've never been able to relate to anyone and frankly im a weird asshole to the people i have known. Live with mom even though i could probably afford my own place with my savings. Don't do anything with my free time but watch YouTube videos and play videogames. Hate my body but can't keep up any kind of routine. Feeling like I don't know myself. Feeling like I'm not even a person. Can't remember the things I used to value in life, or why i valued them. Don't even know what i would have to do to change. Or i do know and i can't keep up the resolve to actually improve
Unironically I feel like I'm writing something I wrote. 100% can relate.

I think we need to find some way to challenge ourselves far greater than before. Finding that challenge that will retain our attention, our energy and be immensely rewarding has to be our way forward.
 
W

woman500

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Joined
Jun 24, 2021
Messages
23
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Connecticut, US
"Feeling like I don't know myself." THIS.

This sums up the main lack in my upbringing, and if you're not 40 yet, you have plenty of time. Even if you're old like me, you shouldn't give up (I'm almost 60). If you don't know who you are, you don't know what to want, what kind of friends to want, what partner to look for...

We moved around all the time, so I can't answer the question "Where are you from?". I had no religion. My parents didn't tell many family stories, and came from different parts of the country, so we only ever knew one side of the family. I wasn't encouraged to develop interests other than getting married and being a good wife-- but without any religious/social backdrop which would have provided a context in which this goal would have had real meaning (I know some super-conservative Catholics who are very happy living in their insular communities, complete with built in friends from church who all home school their kids together--this is a meaningful life). My parents apparently hadn't noticed the sexual revolution raging around them while we moved from one state to another, to another country, to a different one, etc. So I went to college, and graduated without ever figuring out who I was. Never got around to being rebellious, because due to our constant moving, I couldn't reject my parents in favor of friends (what friends?). I made friends in college, but because they had career goals, and knew who they were, they spent four years learning, while I spent four years learning how to socialize.

I went to grad school. I was good at school, so just kept on doing it, and decided to make that my identity for lack of a better one. I had a teaching career, married, had kids, raised them. Am still in a shitty marriage, have wonderful kids (my one success in life), and finally know what kind of spouse I should have been looking for (the opposite of mine), and what career I should have gone for (newsflash: not the one I chose).

Because I didn't know who I was, nothing else fell into place other than motherhood. For that I had a role model.

Step one is figuring out who you are while there's still time to build a life around it. I know who I am now, but I don't know what to do with the life I've built for all the wrong reasons.

I hope you know there are so many like you who feel lost and uncertain about who they are. I'm not sure what to say except to offer sympathy and encouragement. Even at my age, I am thinking of how to reinvent myself. Today I don't feel it can be done because I'm so depressed today. A couple of days ago I had a good day and felt optimistic. I don't even remember how I could have felt that way, just that I did.
 
anodyne

anodyne

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Joined
May 27, 2021
Messages
74
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United States
"Feeling like I don't know myself." THIS.

This sums up the main lack in my upbringing, and if you're not 40 yet, you have plenty of time. Even if you're old like me, you shouldn't give up (I'm almost 60). If you don't know who you are, you don't know what to want, what kind of friends to want, what partner to look for...

We moved around all the time, so I can't answer the question "Where are you from?". I had no religion. My parents didn't tell many family stories, and came from different parts of the country, so we only ever knew one side of the family. I wasn't encouraged to develop interests other than getting married and being a good wife-- but without any religious/social backdrop which would have provided a context in which this goal would have had real meaning (I know some super-conservative Catholics who are very happy living in their insular communities, complete with built in friends from church who all home school their kids together--this is a meaningful life). My parents apparently hadn't noticed the sexual revolution raging around them while we moved from one state to another, to another country, to a different one, etc. So I went to college, and graduated without ever figuring out who I was. Never got around to being rebellious, because due to our constant moving, I couldn't reject my parents in favor of friends (what friends?). I made friends in college, but because they had career goals, and knew who they were, they spent four years learning, while I spent four years learning how to socialize.

I went to grad school. I was good at school, so just kept on doing it, and decided to make that my identity for lack of a better one. I had a teaching career, married, had kids, raised them. Am still in a shitty marriage, have wonderful kids (my one success in life), and finally know what kind of spouse I should have been looking for (the opposite of mine), and what career I should have gone for (newsflash: not the one I chose).

Because I didn't know who I was, nothing else fell into place other than motherhood. For that I had a role model.

Step one is figuring out who you are while there's still time to build a life around it. I know who I am now, but I don't know what to do with the life I've built for all the wrong reasons.

I hope you know there are so many like you who feel lost and uncertain about who they are. I'm not sure what to say except to offer sympathy and encouragement. Even at my age, I am thinking of how to reinvent myself. Today I don't feel it can be done because I'm so depressed today. A couple of days ago I had a good day and felt optimistic. I don't even remember how I could have felt that way, just that I did.
Hey there, thank you for your encouragement and story. I have had a few people with more life experience than me emphasize that I have time to fix my ship. I would add that maybe it's necessary that we are always reinventing ourselves, that we aren't meant to have things figured out at any one point in time. Maybe we're changing throughout our lives, and our needs and values change with it. At the time you were doing exactly what you thought was right, being with the person you needed at the time.
But, that is also all a matter of perspective. I hope you are figuring things out, and you can work on what's next for you 😁
 
anodyne

anodyne

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Unironically I feel like I'm writing something I wrote. 100% can relate.

I think we need to find some way to challenge ourselves far greater than before. Finding that challenge that will retain our attention, our energy and be immensely rewarding has to be our way forward.
Man, we've gotta just go get it. Learn how to struggle for something. Just do something and let the inspiration catch up later 😎
 
F

Fairy Fountain

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One of the things that helped me a bit was therapy. I don't go anymore because of several reasons, one of them was my fear of taking the bus to therapy since I would be surrounded by so many people. But once you find a good therapist it's really helpful to get good advice. There's also group therapy, which I've tried too. I'm not really a fan of group therapy, but it might be able to help too.

I guess when we go through moments like this in life, we just have to take the small steps towards fixing things. It's so overwhelming sometimes because it feels like each problem will never end, but I always try to believe that there's a solution for everything. I hope you feel better soon.
 
ht46

ht46

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At least your not destroying your life no crime or drug addiction is always a positive. For myself all I want is a quiet life a manageable job, low stress but manageable, society tells us we should strive to achieve this or that to be some one like a slick new real estate agent or amazing artist etc life isn't a movie or biography on some super talented individual it just make us feel that it is, it's fine to have a quiet life without comparing yourself to others I wish I had it. But if you want to achieve something even for the sake of challenging yourself go for it what I'm saying is you're not doing anything wrong with what youre doing already if you're content that's all that matters don't compare yourself to others.
 
anodyne

anodyne

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At least your not destroying your life no crime or drug addiction is always a positive. For myself all I want is a quiet life a manageable job, low stress but manageable, society tells us we should strive to achieve this or that to be some one like a slick new real estate agent or amazing artist etc life isn't a movie or biography on some super talented individual it just make us feel that it is, it's fine to have a quiet life without comparing yourself to others I wish I had it. But if you want to achieve something even for the sake of challenging yourself go for it what I'm saying is you're not doing anything wrong with what youre doing already if you're content that's all that matters don't compare yourself to others.
Thanks my guy, I appreciate it. I think in a sense I do want to match what society expects from me and what I expect from myself being a relatively intelligent person. However I do that though is up in the air, I guess. I do know I want to do something with writing, something I never. I feel like I don't spend any time on things that are important to me, just things that pass time. That's an easy fix, though. Thanks again, and cheers ✌
 
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