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Feeling like I've been on repeat and don't have the right to talk to my friends anymore

H

hellywelly

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Joined
Nov 22, 2016
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2
Feeling like I've been on repeat and don't have the right to talk to my friends anymore

hi,

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since I started university 4 year ago. Although on some days I feel on top of the world and happy, other days I just wake up feeling like all I want to do is curl up in a ball and leave this world, an spend most of my day crying, mopping around and thinking about suicide. I'd love to die, but at the same time I don't want to inflict pain on my family and friends, especially because they think I'm doing better. I lost my farther when I was 10 and would never want my mother or brothers to feel loss again; and I would hate for my friends to feel guilty, my best friend from high school in particular.

I often think about writing a letter to all the people I love telling them this is the only thing that will ultimately make me happy because I just don't think I can manage life with all these ups and downs. I'd love to share all of this with my closest friends, because I know sharing and having a conversation about it really helps me, but I feel like I've been on repeat for the past few years and just don't have the right to bring my dark thoughts up anymore. Every time I bring up something about feeling down I get a quick 'ah its probably the weather' or 'ah man that sucks hope you're ok you can always talk to me', and I just shut down. I know that what fuels my anxiety and depressed thoughts are just little things and I feel ashamed that they affect me so much - and their reaction confirms that.

So I thought that maybe here people would understand. Just needed to share, to whomever is listening.

H
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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Hi H
I'm glad your family are giving you the reason to stay alive. You must try and think of that as a positive if you can. You need to seek some professional help, first stop your doctor who can refer you to some talking therapies which will help you address the little things that are making you feel so down. Talking helps challenge those negative thoughts. You cant do this all on your own,
Your not alone,
Hugs
Fox
 
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