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Feeling like I'm going crazy

L

lam19803

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Aug 8, 2020
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This is the last place I felt I could turn. I am a 37 years old female. I deal with bipolar 1 disorder on a daily basis. And I also deal with avoidant personality disorder. Along with ADD. And terrible anxiety.
I do take meds as well. And I have had counseling in the past. I also deal with a bunch of physical health problems as well. I have tracheal stenosis. Which is a life long chronic respiratory disease. I also have aortic valve stenosis.

Due to congenital heart defect. And I have had multiple surgeries on my throat to open it up. And I'm getting ready to need a heart valve replacement. And it's coming fast like with in 2 months or less. And my mother is having a hard time accepting it.

When I first started having physical health problems. My mother tried to tell me it was all in my head. Because of the mental health stuff. And I kept telling her I know my own body something is wrong. And then I got to where I almost started believing her.

Maybe it is all in my head. But it was not. So anyway to make a long story short. She almost is in denial about me needing this heart valve replacement. And she almost can't accept it. And she is so worried about what could happen during and after the surgery. That in her mind it's better if I just don't have it. And she doesn't realize if I didn't have it.

I would eventually go into heart fauiler and then die. Because the heart valve is in the severe stage. And it's like beating my heard against the wall to try to make her understand. And doctors do not sugar Cote. And she can hear one bad thing. And she just can't take it. She has also mentioned getting a 3rd opinion. When I have some of the best doctors In the country. But it's because she is in denial.

I'm just at a point where I don't know how to deal with her. And I'm the one going through all of this. But now it's been made all about her. Because she can't deal with the fact that I need heart valve replacement. I'm getting so tired and weary. I'm almost to the point of saying screw it. And just not having the surgery to begin with.

But I know if I didn't I would not make it to many years. Also my mother has always thought my physical health is not near as bad as it actually is. And I have anger issues at her anyway for things she has done in my life. And she is one of those people that think mentally ill people have a low IQ. Or that mental illness has to do with how smart you are. Also I'm 37 but she treats me like I'm 16. And she has my while adult life. Just need to know how to get through to her.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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:welcome: to the forum @lam19803

I'm sorry to hear about all that you're dealing with, it sounds incredibly hard.

I'd like to say more about the issue with your mother, I too have a mother who often makes it 'all about her'. But in your case it really is all about you and your health, both physical and mental, and it sounds vital that you don't go along with what she thinks. I'm sorry she treats you this way, and has those opinions about mental health. It must be very difficult for you in your relationship with her. Please put your own health first, that's what's most important here.

I hope to be able to say more, but I'm just logging off now. Take care, and welcome again, I hope you find the forum helpful.
 
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bpd2020

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Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry your mum is dismissing you and treating you this way. Of course, you must go a ahead with the surgery. Is there anybody else in your life who is supportive? You will find a lot of support on here.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
Welcome to the forum.
I'm so sorry your struggling right now, good luck for your surgery.
It must be ever so hard with your mum dismissing your health problems.
Thank goodness you listened to your body.
Hugs
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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I'm just at a point where I don't know how to deal with her. And I'm the one going through all of this. But now it's been made all about her. Because she can't deal with the fact that I need heart valve replacement. I'm getting so tired and weary. I'm almost to the point of saying screw it. And just not having the surgery to begin with.
Exactly, you are the one going through this. Not her. Whether she can deal with you having this surgery is not the important thing here, as I'm sure you know. It's incredibly selfish of her to put her own feelings about this above yours.

When I read the sentence 'I'm almost at the point of saying screw it' I thought/hoped that the next sentence was going to be 'I'm not going to listen to her any more, or be influenced by what she thinks'. Have you ever thought along those lines? What would your life be like if you no longer listened to her? If you decided that her opinions and feelings don't have to influence you any more? Easier said than done I know, but would you like that to be the case? It's something you could work towards, perhaps with help. What would it be like if you didn't accept being treated like a 16 year old any longer?

When I talk to my mother nowadays, it's all very surface level. I try not to let the things she says influence me, I don't take much notice now of what she wants, or what she wants me to do. I try to let it all just wash over me without really taking it on board, or letting her attempts at control affect me. I simply don't tell her things any more, especially about my health, because nothing she ever says is helpful, and usually makes me feel worse (I realise you don't have that option as she already knows about your physical issues). It's about not letting her 'own' me, or my life any longer, I just don't let her in any more. It's taken time, but I have learnt to stop putting her needs above my own. It's hard to do this when you've been brought up by someone who has taught you that your needs don't matter much, your opinions are always questioned, and that the important thing is always to make life easier and more comfortable for her.

Also I'm 37 but she treats me like I'm 16. And she has my while adult life. Just need to know how to get through to her.
Do you think you can get through to her? Could anyone? If she doesn't believe or trust the doctors who are treating you, will anything convince her? Sometimes you just have to accept someone won't change, and won't change their views. They won't ever be the person you want and need them to be. So you have to find a way to meet those needs in another form. Be your own support and give yourself permission to go with what you know is the right thing to do, if it won't come from her.

I find that my mother worrying about me is a form of control. It doesn't feel like it's because she cares (she does, but in a limited self-centred way, it's all she's capable of), more that she wants to influence or control what I do, or the choices I make. It never felt like it was about me, and concern for my needs or wellbeing, more that it was about ensuring that her needs and peace of mind were catered to. Why the need for control? Idk, to feel she has some power maybe? Because if she feels she's lost control of me, she will have lost something that gives her meaning. Perhaps controlling another person is because you have nothing interesting of your own, or about yourself, in your life?

And I have anger issues at her anyway for things she has done in my life.
I am angry at my mother too for things she's done in my life. But I wouldn't describe it as anger issues on my part. It's justified anger. Maybe yours is too?

There are plenty of things you can read if you search for children of narcissistic mothers. Therapy might also help you, if that's something you can access (although I'm sure your physical health will have to take priority for now, with surgery so imminent). Do you have any other support or allies, anyone else who can see that how your mother is behaving is controlling and unhelpful to you? And that she's in denial, and it's basically crazy that she refuses to see what the outcome would be if you don't have this essential surgery? It really boggles the mind how someone could be so wilfully blind to reality. But I guess the human mind is a strange thing, and capable of refusing to accept the evidence, if there is some pay off in keeping control of another person, and not giving up a firmly held belief. But ultimately, she stands to lose you if she persists in her self centred outlook. That is her choice and responsibility though. My mother has 'lost' me, not physically, but in terms of how much I'm prepared to put her needs above my own. We have a cordial but fairly distant relationship now, because I'm no longer prepared to go along with her 'terms', and act as if she is the only one whose feelings matter.

I do feel for you, having to spend emotional energy catering to your mother's feelings when right now you need all your energy to look after yourself and to deal with the challenges of your physical health. It must be such a worrying and scary time for you. Please put your own needs first, your mother isn't the one facing life-saving surgery, and she isn't the one whose feelings should be catered to right now. You are the most important person in your life. Not her.
 
nutsie

nutsie

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Keeling
I think you must forgive mother but leave mother

Can you go stay with other friends or family?

You did not choose mother you, some times we unlucky get bad parentb
 

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