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Feeling like I don't matter.

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clarelynn

New member
Joined
Jun 21, 2013
Messages
2
Hey everyone. This is my first post and I just need to vent and I need some advice if possible.

Just a little background before I get into my story--I am 20 years old and I have ADD which I take Vyvanse for, and I was prescribed Prozac for depression back when I was 18 but I stopped taking it about 5 months ago because I felt it made me feel even more depressed.

Anyway, over the past year or so I feel as I've just lost myself as a person. I feel that there isn't anything particularly special about me, or anything that really identifies me/makes me who I am. I feel very insignificant in this world, almost like I'm falling through the cracks and it would not matter if disappeared completely. I think a lot of this stems from a break-up that I went through about 6-7 months ago--I was with my (now ex) boyfriend for about 2 years, and in the time we were together I always knew that I mattered to him and that I was loved. I was special to him in some way. He broke up with me in December, and we briefly discussed getting back together in February but I was too afraid that I would get hurt again and he could not deal with my insecurity on the matter, and has since severed all ties with me. The fact that he could so quickly cut me out of his life was painful and the fact that I am no longer special to him really hurt me.

I have a best friend who I had been inseparable with since we were 13 years old, and I always considered our friendship unique. People have always told us that they are jealous of the type of friendship we have--we are a part of each others families, and we have a bond that I haven't ever been able to establish in any of my other friendships. But now she is getting more and more serious with her boyfriend--and I am so happy that she has a guy in her life who makes her happy, but I can't help but feel like I am less important now. I hardly ever spend time with her without him showing up. He is a good guy, but sometimes I need my best friend and just my best friend. He is the #1 priority in her life as far as relationships/friendships go, which is great for both of them, and I'm probably being a little irrational by being jealous of their closeness, but it still hurts because I feel like our friendship has forever changed.

I know I shouldn't rely on others to feel special, but my now ex-boyfriend and my best friend are the two people who always made me feel important without fail. And now I am trying my best to see myself as a special person on my own, but it's very difficult. There is nothing truly "special" about me. My grades are average, I don't really have any outstanding talents, and I think I come off as really awkward or weird to most people who don't know me very well. I've always embraced my awkwardness/weirdness, but now I think it's affecting my ability to meet new people or even make myself a part of the group at my new job. I'm shy and I'm afraid that I'm burdening people by asking for help and whatnot.

I have tried to completely put myself in a few perspective in life--I'm spending my entire summer in a completely new place, and I've tried to meet new people. But the one guy I met who seemed to like me, turned out to just be using me for sex. Which also made me feel pretty worthless. I am not sure if this is my fault and if I'm just not doing something right socially, but I am having a really hard time. I know that I overall have a good life--but I just wish that I could make myself feel like I am important and that I'm not just existing day to day with no real purpose.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can see myself in a better light? I want to be able to feel important without having to be reassured by others. I want to feel like I have purpose. If it's something that I'm doing that's keeping me from feeling good about myself, I need to know what I can do to fix this.

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you, to anyone who read this. I know it was long.
 
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tinkerbell00

Member
Joined
May 24, 2013
Messages
24
Location
new zealand
Hi im really sorry your feeling this way:(. Just know that everyone is special and that u do matter:).
I'm not sure how I can help but I just wanted u to know ur cared about and if u ever need to talk I'll listen:).
 
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Mirror

New member
Joined
May 26, 2013
Messages
4
Location
Australia
Hi clarelynn

Im so pleased you wrote us - I think it helps to get connected and also to make things clearer about making sense of where things are and how they got there! Something that has helped me through sadness and dark times has been the idea that there are competing stories in our lives. To me from what you wrote you sound like a person who values connections, relationships and intimacy with others and when this is interrupted life becomes really hard and painful. The idea of "not being special" seems to be really powerful at the moment for you and if I were you it would be making me feel really low. I wonder what is being covered up by this story and what is important to you or that you are holding onto? I think you are brave trying out a new place and taking those steps. Im sorry to hear what happened with that guy and that you feel to blame somehow.

The "burdening people" idea can be such an isolating thing and Ive found it convincing yet people who really care for me don't see it that way when I share my sadness and pain. I don't feel burdened by what you wrote I feel pleased and it helps me understand my sadness and pain more by connecting with others. Closeness and trusting relationships have bought more healing into my life.

Im sure there are others in your life who think you are special - I hope that becomes clearer from within and without. I think you are special and I admire how you are getting through such hard times

Warmest wishes

Mirror
 
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Taff

Guest
Hello to you clarelynn
Good advice there, not really anything I can add except to say that, you are very welcome here, and hope you find it a help talking xx
 
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clarelynn

New member
Joined
Jun 21, 2013
Messages
2
Thank you guys, I really appreciate all your replies. I'm trying to be more positive about things. It's just not always easy when you feel lonely. But hearing all of you makes me feel less alone. So thanks again :)

:hug1:
 
killerbeeofbees

killerbeeofbees

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 18, 2013
Messages
48
Hi Clarelyn,

I just wanted to let you know I can fully relate.
It's a hard thing when you can't socially adjust right, but I can with all faith say it is not your fault that people treat you these ways.
As to your friend, I suggest you confront her about your feelings. I wouldn't worry about being rejected because of the relationship you two have.
 
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