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Feeling like I’m lost and need insight/help (19m)

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MJB0707

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May 19, 2020
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6
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USA
Since I was 16 years old I’ve been dealing with depression, now 19, it’s been a very rough journey. Trying to convey through text would be impossible so I will just give you the best insight I can into my life. Ages 10-14 I lived watching abuse from various “step fathers” as mine left when I was too young to remember, worrying and a lot of sleepless nights, finally towards my ending of 14 turning 15 I was fairly certain all of it was gone. @16 years old I met my first gf, she was also very very supportive of me and would have done anything for me, she helped get me out of my depressive moods and made me feel amazing but I didn’t realize what I was dealing with until, one night A year later I made a mistake like all young highschool kids do and I cheated, found out and it was terrible all her friends telling to off my self and I’m a terrible person and don’t desserve love ever again blah blah blah, I was young and dumb and actually attempted suicide. Spent a week alone, in the hospital with nothing but my thoughts, no phone or tv no way to get my closure and no way to say sorry. I’m 17 now at this point and well it’s the worst my depression has ever been, dropped from 157 down to 143, became isolated, slept all day, skipped school all the time, started smoking weed and fell into the wrong group of kids. I was trying different drugs, screwing anything I could and this is all at 18... finally I met my next gf, hit it off instantly, shared everything together and never had a doubt of trust in her, we’re together till I turned 19, we were together for a year and in that year I was the happiest I ever was feeling normal again, eating, having someone just right by my side, she always took care of my depressive thoughts and wanted me okay, well so I thought, one day she started getting depressed, I did everything I could do to help and would give my life, well the day after our one year, she left me stating she wanted an “open relationship” so she could have sex with other guys blah blah, basically left so she didn’t cheat on me (ironic right?)
That’s been about 4-5 months,Well now it’s just gotten worse, everyday I feel alone even tho I have friends and my mom and grandfather, I feel like I’m not good enough, I hate my self image and I’m always in pain physically with my chest cause of my condition which will require surgery. I have thoughts of ending my life and already would have done it if it wasn’t for my mom, she needs her kid, but I can’t help to think it’s not fair, I miss work a lot because it’s so hard for me to concentrate and get out of bed, even on the days that I do I still wanna die no matter what I try, I work out and lift and granted during that I feel amazing but once the high from the lifting and endorphins go away I don’t feel anything but numbness, today as I right this I feel numb, I called off work again luckily I have one last excuse to fit the book, I just need help, I feel angry, I feel sad and numb, no true happiness, no love no nothing
 
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karl7

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hey im sorry youre having such a rough time, are you seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist....you should see one, and also there may be anti depressants they can prescribe you
 
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MJB0707

Member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
6
Location
USA
hey im sorry youre having such a rough time, are you seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist....you should see one, and also there may be anti depressants they can prescribe you
I’ve seen a therapist before and talking to them doesn’t help, and I’m on antidepressants right now but they just don’t seem to work anymore, I’ve always had a hard time talking to people
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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I’ve seen a therapist before and talking to them doesn’t help, and I’m on antidepressants right now but they just don’t seem to work anymore, I’ve always had a hard time talking to people

While it might not be easy talking I think having a therapist as a support for you in your life right now might really help you. They may be able to offer some good advice on different meds and advice on other things too.
 
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MJB0707

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Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
6
Location
USA
While it might not be easy talking I think having a therapist as a support for you in your life right now might really help you. They may be able to offer some good advice on whether meds might be helpful and advice on other things too.
What is the difference between seeing a psychiatrist vs therapist? Or if there is one, I’m new too even thinking about the idea, one thing I struggle is too open up and I it was hard even anonymously
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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A psychiatrist is a doctor who evaluates, diagnoses and prescribed medications. A therapist provides talk therapy and can give you exercises to work on for various issues and offers support and advice. You might see a psychiatrist once every few months and a therapist every week to two weeks.
 
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MJB0707

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Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
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Location
USA
A psychiatrist is a doctor who evaluates, diagnoses and prescribed medications. A therapist provides talk therapy and can give you exercises to work on for various issues and offers support and advice. You might see a psychiatrist once every few months and a therapist every week to two weeks.
Thank you, I’ll look into making an appointment, just need to make sure I find the right ones for me
 
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Elisante

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May 16, 2020
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Greece
I'm sorry for what you are going through. Maybe your medication isn't right for you and you should take something else. Also, from what you described, you seem to get better every time you are in a relationship. Are you in one now? And I hope you don't still feel guilty for a mistake you did when you were 16.
 
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MJB0707

Member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
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Location
USA
I'm sorry for what you are going through. Maybe your medication isn't right for you and you should take something else. Also, from what you described, you seem to get better every time you are in a relationship. Are you in one now? And I hope you don't still feel guilty for a mistake you did when you were 16.
No but the thing is I don’t really want to be, I want to be happy completely my self before I’m with anyone, bc even in a relationship I was still having the issues just not thoughts of ending my life, the medication does not seem to be working tho as well
 

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