Feeling like a very uninteresting and unappealing person

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CEVRAM

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#1
Does anyone else here have this recurring thought of being a really shallow and uninteresting person? Someone so boring, so deprived of any real qualities that they aren't worth knowing? There have been few times in which I saw genuine interest from anyone in learning more about me and spending time in my company, having a proper meaningful chat and not just quick superficial banter about some very specific topic.

I'm feeling pretty lonely but I'm far from alone here. I've been around some online communities but more often than not, people would just skip over most of the things I said or brushed it aside with short and dismissive answers like it didn't mattered anything to them. Even those so called friends rarely cared to approach me and eventually I grew tired of always making the first move. Never felt like I was fitting in anywhere I went to.

I have given up trying hard to appeal to other people, its draining and never fails to leave me frustrated and feeling hopeless.
 
snowfreckled

snowfreckled

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#2
Hi. Yes, it's a common fear.

Too many things come into play for us to conclude that the only reason for a neutral reaction to what we say is our supposed shallowness.

Moreover, just as no human can be interesting to everyone, no human can be boring to everyone. Even if you somehow were a "shallow" person (no human is) you would be interesting enough to another equally or more "shallow" person.
Definition of a fun human is largely subjective anyway.

It you are experiencing a lack of connection with people it's far more likely that you're having a challenge of a different kind, instead of your supposed shallowness. Low self-esteem is one of many examples that often make it harder to relate to others in a relaxed and more honest way. It also causes us to often mistake a neutral reaction for a negative one, and magnifies our fears that anything less than constant approval means failure on our part.
 
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CEVRAM

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#3
Yes, its true that my self esteem is pretty low but the same is the case for plenty other people. My experience tells me that no one I've came across with up to now saw anything special in me, some of them would say otherwise but their actions were showing a different picture.

People who dont want to hurt our feelings and create any sort of tension in between tend to say what we want to hear and not what we need to and should hear. I've had a few people telling me how important and special I was to them after I brought up this topic but then they would rarely approach me for anything, in fact they could go many days without saying a word to me, how's that being special? I kept making first contact instead but eventually one will grow tired of always having to pull the strings in a relationship.

Everything you said is true but the problem is that it wasn't my poor self esteem creating my struggles with socializing and bonding with people, it was the other way around. It was the realisation that I wasn't fitting anywhere and that people weren't interested in me regardless of how much I tried to change that which caused me to plummet into this phase of very low confidence and excessive pessimism.
 
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CEVRAM

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#4
If the same scenario keeps repeating itself within different groups of people, different circunstances and different environments, its hard not to think that I must have little to no worth.
 
snowfreckled

snowfreckled

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#6
I see. The tempation to see yourself as unworthy because of your social issues sounds like it's strong but don't give in. Even if you were correct in your assumption that you often don't fit in, I hope you will resist making hasty judgements on the reason behind it. Being "boring" is far from being the only possibe reason. In fact you don't sound boring at all as far as I can tell. ;)

Also, not eveything depends on you. I enjoy having some people in my life but I rarely message them first.

I think you'll likely identify true reasons for your troubles as time passes and it will help you to work it through. In the meantime please be kind to yourself. You've assumed the worst and it affected your self esteem deeply. Don't be needlessly hard on yourself. You're most definitely not of "little worth", you don't sound neither shallow not boring, and the reasons for your issue could be far more harmless than you imagine.

Many people share your experience too and for lots of them it turns out to be a temporary phase. You're not alone.
 
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CEVRAM

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#7
This has been going on for years now so I fear that it might not be a temporary phase. Since the first trimester of last year, my anxiety has agravated quite a lot to the point of giving me some really unconfortable physical sympthoms which sometimes lead to full blown anxiety attacks and my mind has been feeling more overwhelmed than ever before along with my emotions becoming much harder to manage and control. Sympthoms of depression have been around for way longer though, about 5 years or so.

Regular counseling has been pretty ineffective and I just can't seem to get out of this shell, its like a prison to me . The only place where I'm actually able to socialize and get a few chats going is the gym and that's only because I feel confortable there and have something to share and talk about, that being workout related stuff which obviously will be a popular theme for chit chat in a gym.

Outside of that place, I have no social life and my confort zone lies between my own house and the gym pretty much. I dont go out with friends and I rarely go out with family for leisure purposes. I've been living in this fairly small city of 60 000 people for almost 22 years now and I still dont know it well, that's how much I've been around.

Unfortunately after all this time, I still haven't been able to find out why I am this way, it shouldn't be happening by any logical standards and seems like the more I try to find answers, the more I'll sink into uncertainty and will be left with nothing more than frustration and regret of not having done something to prevent the situation from escalating this far.
 
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LouiseMN

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#8
I am sorry you feel this way. When I am depressed I have all those feeling, boring, uninteresting, not worth anything. You are not well, the depression is taking over. You do see a counsellor and I'd does not help? Maybe you need a new one, and see your psychiatrist (assuming you have one) to adjust your meds for anxiety and depression? I have been well for a month now. It feels so good to not have those thoughts. Hopefully I'll have enough insight the next time (I know there will be one) to avoid the severity of the bad thoughts. I am hoping I'll be lucky enough to have found a therapist that will help me! So far we have only had one "get to know each other" appointment.
 
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CEVRAM

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#9
I am currently undergoing psychotherapy since normal counseling wasn't working but this one isn't doing much either up to now. Last time I took meds for depression it end up doing more harm than good, I believe it was the driving force behind my anxiety disorder, everything points out to that as crazy as that seems.

Exposing my issues to someone who is willing to listen and understands what I'm going through definitely helps calming down the "beast" inside me but it wont kill it, eventually the monster will come out once again and strike, its a never ending cycle. This leads me into feeling hopeless, weak and lost.
 
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LouiseMN

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#10
I am currently undergoing psychotherapy since normal counseling wasn't working but this one isn't doing much either up to now. Last time I took meds for depression it end up doing more harm than good, I believe it was the driving force behind my anxiety disorder, everything points out to that as crazy as that seems.

Exposing my issues to someone who is willing to listen and understands what I'm going through definitely helps calming down the "beast" inside me but it wont kill it, eventually the monster will come out once again and strike, its a never ending cycle. This leads me into feeling hopeless, weak and lost.
I think you should try meds again. maybe? It takes time to get ones that work, generally lots of trial and error. If one didnt work for you there are plenty of others to try.
 
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CEVRAM

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#11
I might give meds a try again but would like it to be something else other than an antidepressant, the last one really made me feel so bad that I wont be able to look at medication for depression the same way again.

Honestly dont think the solution lies there, not to mention that for the time being and since around March of last year, it has been anxiety affecting me the most by far. Its what's causing me to isolate myself from the world and stay way from anything that might bring me stress and frustration.

I simply dont feel at ease and confident anymore, there is always something troubling me and this becomes extremely unnerving and incapacitating at times.
 
snowfreckled

snowfreckled

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#12
Those are hard feelings to bear for such a long time.
If I got it right, you're 22? If yes I am even more confident there isn't something "wrong" with who you are as a person. Teenage and young adulthood years present very similar prolonged challenges to quite a high number of people. You're most definitely not alone in your struggle.

You said one factor that helps you keep the chit chat at gym going is feeling more comfortable and that your comfort zone is pretty narrow lying between home and gym. I know how hard it is go get out of the comfort zone, especially with the burden of anxiety on our backs.

I'm glad you are putting effort in getting help by going to psychotherapy. If you find that it doesn't seem to bring much progress, perhaps there is no click between you and the professional you're seeing. Having such connection is almost as crucial as having suitable meds. You absolutely deserve the best kind of help on both fields.

To give advice is easy and I'm sure you already know that beating oneself up for such challenges does no good. It takes strength to be kind to yourself when anxiety and possibly depression are up against you, but healing is possible. I hope you won't let neither anxiety nor depression make you believe their lies that there's something unfixable about you. Little liars right there. I've no idea what kind of solution is just the right one for you, but I have no doubt there is one. :)
 
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CEVRAM

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#13
I am 23 and had my first real sympthoms of depression at 17, a time when I was nearing the end of my school life and had no idea what to do next, I wasn't ready to embrace adult life with all its responsabilities and pressures as well as becoming fully independent. This remains mostly unchanged nowadays.

I still haven't found a job and can't get myself to do a proper research on the topic. If anxiety affects me so much on mundane daily situations which dont involve any of the pressures and stress people suffer at work, I can't imagine being possible for me to hold a job for more than a couple days.

Any kind of work which involves frequent social contact or being around large groups of people wouldn't suit me but since I have virtually no qualifications, there isn't much to choose from.

I'm passionate about nature and animals but there are barely any jobs here which revolve around that. I dont want to be a vet though as illnesses and injuries cause great distress on me, especially the first one since I'm an hypochondriac.

Sometimes I watch videos on those animal sancturaries which aim to protect and preserve wild endangered species and can't ever shake the thought of how much I would like to be part of that but here this seems impossible, I have no idea how to get there, dont even know what's required.

One can live without having many friends, without going out or travelling often, without luxuries and materialistic desires but no one can live without the money that only having a job can provide, under legal terms of course. The fact I see myself as being inept to work at most jobs is a great distress factor and as time goes by, the pressure keeps build up more and more. We never know what the future holds for us, for now I still have my parents to support me but that can change all of a sudden. I've lost my grandfather last year and only have one grandparent left, my dad's mom. I also have no sibblings.

My close family is becoming narrow and that is a very scary realisation to me. I'm not ready to face life on my own.
 
snowfreckled

snowfreckled

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#14
That's quite of a burden to carry on your shoulders. Hugs.
I know all too well how deep the pressure of fear is.
The good news is that fear is a liar more often than not. An expert in making things *seem* far more larger and scary than they really are. This truth is very hard to accept and embrace in the initial stage but it is truth nonetheless.
Your views of both job responsibilities, your abilities and future are largely distorted by fear. To start an independent lite is a huge, huge journey but do you know what makes it possible? That it's made up of lots of tiny steps. It really is. :)

If you have huge fear of what future holds, perhaps it would do you well to stick your teeth into small tasks. As you accomplish the smallest of goals, you will begin to have a sense of achievement and it will build your confidence and courage more and more. Future and the unknown take form of a large scary monster in our minds, but in reality, you hold it in your own hands. I know how unbelievable this sounds to you right now, I've been there myself. :) And what helped me was facing the big fears one tiny step at the time. I hope you'll find it helpful too. x
 
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CEVRAM

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#15
First of all, thank you very much for your care and advice, same goes for everyone else who took their time to write something here, its greatly appreciated.

It seems like I'm lacking a sense of accomplishment since for me, the failures have a much bigger impact than the successes. Success is short lived inside my mind but when it comes to disappointments and frustrations, they can stay here for a really long time, bitting my "heels".

The balance of my brain is greatly shifted towards processing negative information and dismissing what's good while focusing on what I can't do and dont have.

Due to the fact that having high expectations has lead me to a lot of sadness and frustration in the past, nowadays I'm unable to raise those expectations beyond low levels so I will be often preparing myself for failure before even getting into action, this will inevitably hinder my performance and ability to cope with any obstacles I face. I simply cannot stay positive and confident for long enough in order to get things done which take real effort and dedication.

As soon as my mind shuts down towards something, there is no point in insisting, no matter how much I try to fight against it, the end result wont change and this is why I can't see myself having a successful professional life, I have virtually no willpower and can't overcome the predicaments of my own frustration, even pointless things that shouldn't affect anyone to such extent will cause me to lose all my motivation and wanting to hide myself from the outside world.
 
snowfreckled

snowfreckled

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#16
That's a lot to handle. I believe in you still! You're self-aware, willing to make a change and I'm sure you'll have victory over all this! x
Anxiety and depression can mess with us but we can fight back harder.
 
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CEVRAM

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#17
Thank you for all the support. Really wish I could find this kind of conforting and understanding words from people around here but everyone seems to think its just me not wanting to change and get out of this phase.

Seems hard to realise for those on the outside world that the people who have anxiety and/or depression deeply rooted within their minds aren't playing by normal rules, its not just about wanting something and do what it takes to achieve it, its nowhere near that linear, yeah the principle is the same for everyone but for those who are on this spectrum there are a whole new set of challenges which are invisible for most people.
 
snowfreckled

snowfreckled

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#18
Indeed. People with anxiety and depression have to fight harder to get what healthy people take for granted. I hope you will be as kind to yourself as possible, take a break when you need one, and know with every fiber of your being that though the battle is hard all the effort is worth it. And always know there's always someone who cares, even if it's the online folks.
 
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LouiseMN

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#19
I think you should try meds again. maybe? It takes time to get ones that work, generally lots of trial and error. If one didnt work for you there are plenty of others to try.
Thank you for all the support. Really wish I could find this kind of conforting and understanding words from people around here but everyone seems to think its just me not wanting to change and get out of this phase.

Seems hard to realise for those on the outside world that the people who have anxiety and/or depression deeply rooted within their minds aren't playing by normal rules, its not just about wanting something and do what it takes to achieve it, its nowhere near that linear, yeah the principle is the same for everyone but for those who are on this spectrum there are a whole new set of challenges which are invisible for most people.
Invisible. I can be severely anxious and depressed around some people. I will be told later 'I didn't notice". Seems unbelievable as I felt so quiet and awkward.
 
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CEVRAM

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#20
I'm quite self aware when it comes to acting weirdly after my anxiety or depression kick in and that only further increases my distress because I dont like dragging too much attention towards myself when out in public, makes me really unconfortable.

As well as lacking a certain balance inside my mind, I'm always lacking a special someone with who I can spend some quality time, forget my worries and struggles and do something truly enjoyable but I dont go hang out with anyone, like I've said before, my only real outside socialization is made at the gym and revolves around the same topics over and over again.

I'm not part of any groups and no one sees me as an important asset in their lives besides my close family of course.