Feeling joy again

[imdoingthebestthatican]

Hello,
I have had depression (severe..I score high in those questionaires) for two months and have just had my best week for ages. I am now living back in my own house and beginning to look after myself and feed myself nice food.
But I wanted to write down something that has happened to check out what other people think.
It is amazing just to enjoy the basic pleasures of life again like the beauty of a flower and the company of friends who I have hidden away from for two months.
I have managed to come up with a new philosophy...when I wake up I say
" Today I only need to... "and chose a maximum of two very simple things e.g. Wash the kitchen floor and light candles and listen to an album I haven't heard for a while."
And I am so pleased with managing to do these things I quite often go on to do more things.
I hope someone can be helped by this.
Now for the "problem" (??? maybe someone can help me out here?) By chance I have been spending most of my time with a friend of mine. Just happens to be around with lots of free time but as I am loving the warm feelings of joy I am confusing this with love. Now I know that if you are reading this and envying me for even having positive emotions, believe me. I wouldn't have thought it possible even a week ago.....
I am rewarding myself with little treats but is it a bad idea to treat myself to spending time with someone I fancy? What do people think?
Thanks very much.....

 

[Apotheosis]

Hello,
I have had depression (severe..I score high in those questionaires) for two months and have just had my best week for ages. I am now living back in my own house and beginning to look after myself and feed myself nice food.
But I wanted to write down something that has happened to check out what other people think.
It is amazing just to enjoy the basic pleasures of life again like the beauty of a flower and the company of friends who I have hidden away from for two months.
I have managed to come up with a new philosophy...when I wake up I say
" Today I only need to... "and chose a maximum of two very simple things e.g. Wash the kitchen floor and light candles and listen to an album I haven't heard for a while."
And I am so pleased with managing to do these things I quite often go on to do more things.
I hope someone can be helped by this.
Now for the "problem" (??? maybe someone can help me out here?) By chance I have been spending most of my time with a friend of mine. Just happens to be around with lots of free time but as I am loving the warm feelings of joy I am confusing this with love. Now I know that if you are reading this and envying me for even having positive emotions, believe me. I wouldn't have thought it possible even a week ago.....
I am rewarding myself with little treats but is it a bad idea to treat myself to spending time with someone I fancy? What do people think?
Thanks very much.....

Hello I'mDoing - & welcome to the site . It sounds like things are going very well for you. Your recovery & the things you describe sound very much the kinds of things I did when I came out of periods of illness/depression. I think that it is a good idea to enjoy the company of others & to treat yourself.

 

[Dollit]

Hello I'mdoing and . You're doing very positive things for yourself and if you're enjoying someone's company then why not. The people whose company we enjoy the most are those we find most attractive. That goes for the friends we have as well as those we fancy. You have to have an attraction to someone to make even the smallest friendship otherwise what draws you together? And there's nothing wrong with spending time with someone you fancy or find attractive even in just the friend sense. Enjoy!

 

[imdoingthebestthatican]

Night clarity.

Hello,
Thanks for the nice replies. I was in a bit of a state last night. Two really good friends came round to see me who I hadn't seen for two months. It was lovely. Real friends who really care for me. One of them suggested that getting involved in a relationship was probably a bad idea. (Like they say to alcoholics she reckoned) Anyway was very thinking of me advice and I just started to really over analyse the whole thing. I was quite tearful and didn't want to be on my own. I went to sleep and woke up with something I like to call "night clarity". Dunno why and not meaning to sound pretentious. Perhaps more of an empowering word than insomnia.
So basically instead I woke up and wrote down what I was thinking and some clear messages came through. Yes, I had really enjoyed the company of my friend who I fancy and it was like an emotional holiday. We went on little jaunts around and I felt well. It is easy to project this on to someone else but these good feelings were down to me. Also my friend's advice was very kind and she did not mean (My interpretation, after some thought....) As you have been depressed you are way too messed up to be in a relationship as you are emotionally inadequate and it will all end in disaster.

So I learnt something. I am not going to counselling at the moment but will soon but feel relieved at what happened last night. Before there was any light at the end of the tunnel I found "advice" an uncomfortable thing. So only hope that someone might read this and kind of go "oh yeah, me too."

Ooh, never got why people like to write things on the internet but it is quite therapeutic.
It never appealed to me at my lowest points to "say how I felt" to friends and family. No-one wants to describe how horrible depression feels. The words were stuck in my throat.

Anyway, that is all for now. How is everyone?

 

[Dollit]

I'm glad you're feeling better about things this morning. You have good insight which I'm sure serves you well. I never thought I could be part of a group or a forum - I'm not normally that sort of person - but this place has a kind of magic about it. We have a journals section - I blog in there sometimes. I don't mind if nobody reads it, I just feel better for waffling on sometimes. I have a really good friend and if I need to talk to someone I just send him an email scream and it doesn't matter if he reads it or not it's just the fact that I can do it that makes it healing.

Look forward to seeing you around the forum!

 

[imdoingthebestthatican]

I like it here

Hi,
Thanks. Yeah suddenly got the point of this whole internet thing. I went to the journal section but I like to be in this section....recovery!! Nice word.

 

[Dollit]

Have a pop down the cafe - we do a lot of laughing in the cafe (and a lot of lusting)!

 

[imdoingthebestthatican]

Back to reality/great counsellor!!!!

Hello,
Not been so bright these last couple of days. Added to that I am expected to start back at work. So went to see a counsellor and he was FABULOUS! Great sense of humour, very knowledgable asked nice questions and gave me some homework! He also reminded me that I was still recovering and that I had only had relatively few days feeling good. I was really scared on Monday about feeling good. I know that seems a funny thing to be scared about.
So great advice from Me Fabulous..if it causes you stress don't do it and if you enjoy it, do it!

 

[Dollit]

Well you're trying hard and that's what counts. Remember it's not a race - just do things in your own time.

 

[imdoingthebestthatican]

Mr Fabulous

I meant Mr Fabulous not Me fabulous!

 

[Dollit]

I'm sure you are fabulous though I didn't notice your typo until you mentioned it!

 

[imdoingthebestthatican]

Not so fabulous

I feel rubbish today and I can't pull myself out of it. Am really worried as I am going to the doctor today. I can't face going back to work . If you had asked me this time last week there would have been no stopiing me. I feel like someone is standing on my head and just dark, dark thought that I can't just ring someone up to explain as the words don't come out of my mouth. Trying to think of somthing to do to hold on. Any ideas??

 

[Dollit]

Hold on to the fact that even though you feel really bad and can't verbally talk much you can actually come on here and type away and let it all out that way. That will give you release of sorts.

 

[imdoingthebestthatican]

Standards, expectations, priorities

Hi and thanks.
I was doing so well last week and I was doing all the right things. I got ill as I did the opposite to what I had learnt. I got really stressed about returning to work. Scared of the pressure, scared of the reaction to this pressure but, more importantly all day yesterday I couldn't eat and was really anxious and couldn't do anything as my mind was going round in circles. I had stopped looking after myself and started thinking about work. Until I can think of myself as an absolute priority there is no way I can even think about work.
So I had an early night and feel better today.
I thought I had lowered my pwn expectations but really I had switched them. I had decided I had to express all my feelings but this was too hard. Yesterday I was angry at myself about not picking up the phone and asking for help. That was unfair of me. At least I went on here which did help a bit.
Oh yeah and the other thing I did was make myself go for a walk. This was soooo hard. Somehow just putting one foot in front of the other helps. I guess you are literally moving forward.I am not going back. This was a setback but I am not back where I started. I am going to take it easy on myself and do what I want to do and try and be good to myself.

Phew!

 

[Dollit]

Well done! As long a we learn from situations thats all that counts. I think we can all pressurise ourselves at times but learning how not to can be a bit difficult - I'm expert at pressurising myself!