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Feeling guilty

B

BlueDev

Member
Joined
Nov 23, 2018
Messages
19
I don't drive so I have my oldest niece take me somewhere if I wanted to. So she took me to this shopping center. I was already dropped off and inside. Soon after, my mom called me and told me my niece was in an accident. I came back out and saw my niece slumped back in the passenger seat. She did drive but was well enough to walk from the driver's seat. It was an awful sight though I had no idea how bad she was hurt or where. Next thing I saw was the damage of the vehicle. The side passenger seat was completely totaled and the huge truck that hit her ripped off the back bumper. Apparently, the idiot backed up his huge company truck without looking or even getting a good look behind him (I hope he got fired).

I was in shock, looking at the damage and my injured niece while we waited for an ambulance and I was thinking, "this is my fault. If I hadn't wanted to go to the shopping center, this would not happen." I only wanted to get out of the house and get away from the hell I been going through for months. I could've taken public transportation but no... I asked my niece to take me instead and this happened. If I hadn't decided to go somewhere or had taken public transportation, this wouldn't have happened. I know logically it isn't my fault but why does it feel this way? I know if I had stayed home, this would not have happened. My niece would not have been injured and taken to the hospital and thankfully, it's just a bruised neck and nothing else and she would not be missing days at work or school. She worked so hard to get into a training program and she's missing days because I was selfish and wanted to leave the house.

I'm sure I'm being ridiculous because I know it's logically not my fault but it feels like I'm responsible. I keep calling her every day to check on her. I don't even call her on a regular basis! I think I should have been. She's been missing school because of this accident. I just can't believe this guy is stupid enough to reverse the truck without looking behind him! That was a huge truck, you could kill someone with it! What was he thinking?

Lately, it's been what I've been thinking about and wishing I hadn't asked her to take me anywhere. I wish I hadn't made her miss school. She was just in an accident a few months ago which was a hit and run and now another accident. She's getting physical therapy because of the other accident and that day of the accident when she was taking me someplace, she had a session and had to cancel and now she's on more medicines for pain than she was before. I can't shake off the anger, worrying and the guilt I feel. I can't change the events of that day but I want to. I don't want to know it even happened. This happened two days ago and I'm sure it'll take time but I can't get over it. I can't get over how stupid drivers can be and how they don't care about the safety and lives of others!

It makes me not want to leave the house with someone, especially my niece. What if it happens again? I don't want to spend the rest of my life not going out somewhere but I don't want to allow anyone to be in an accident. I know I've been in vehicles billions of times my whole life and never got into an accident (though I wish I was in the accident with my niece so she wasn't the only one or it should've been just me in the accident) or had anything to do with it before but I feel like I'm looking at leaving the house to go somewhere with someine in a car in a different way now. I don't feel the same about it anymore.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,145
Location
Nowhere
yes I get this, responsible for the most bizarre things
with me its because my mother took her life

like maybe by taking responsibility for everyone
I can somehow stop these things happening
and have some control over the situation

I exhaust myself so much with these feelings
and with actions I have taken
to try to stop other people suffering

even when its not my place to

:grouphug: ✨
 
B

BlueDev

Member
Joined
Nov 23, 2018
Messages
19
yes I get this, responsible for the most bizarre things
with me its because my mother took her life

like maybe by taking responsibility for everyone
I can somehow stop these things happening
and have some control over the situation

I exhaust myself so much with these feelings
and with actions I have taken
to try to stop other people suffering

even when its not my place to

:grouphug: ✨
Um... what? I'm not sure we're on the same page.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,145
Location
Nowhere
k well see what others come up with :loveshower: ✨
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
2,317
Location
USA
Hi there @BlueDev .

It wasn't your fault that the accident happened. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to a professional to work through it so you can let go of the constant thinking about it?

I've done that many times,something bad happens and I can't stop ruminating about it wishing I had done things differently, thinking about all the "if only" things.While it always has eventually subsided it's hard to deal with while it's happening.

And you don't want to let your fears you have now take control of your life,so seeing a professional is probably best.
 
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