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feeling guilty to be alive

doodles

doodles

Member
Joined
May 27, 2009
Messages
11
At the moment my life has again descended into some twisted nightmare. Just being myself is unbearable. The company of other people only serves to confirm my emptiness, makes me collapse inside. I can’t describe the emotion. I could just curl up in a dark and dirty corner and literally cry myself to death.

I feel overwhelmed with studying at university and despise myself for having such low stress-tolerance because I know others can or could handle it, especially the one person I would like to confide in – my therapist, whom I admire but don’t dare to turn to as I fear her contempt and dread myself starting to hate her and then myself even more in consequence.

I feel unworthy of being alive; don’t know how to justify my existence. Since my childhood – during times like this – I have had recurring dreams in which I am meant to die. In one of them I dreamt my parents were trying to murder me. But usually I’m in some crowd and someone starts shooting apparently at random (someone’s running amok, we get caught up in a bank robbery or are taken hostage – the reasons are not clear). In those dreams I know it’s only me they’re after, it’s my fault (though the other victims are not aware of that) and if only I’d give myself up, everyone else would have a chance to survive. Yet I’m too cowardly to do the right thing. Sometimes I guiltily hope someone else might be shot instead of me. Once I was even hugging somebody, holding on to him, imagining how his body would be rent up by bullets, while I would escape unharmed.

This is pretty much how I go through the day – feeling like a demon, bringing death and destruction, contaminating those who come close to me. I want to be switched off. Secretly I wish somebody could love me, give me the impression I were wanted in this world and I’m so ashamed of that desire because it’s so absurd, preposterous, grotesque when you’re like me.

I need an exorcism.

Well, sorry guys, for rambling and going all whiny on you. I guess I had to get this off my chest, let someone know in order to be able to get on with what's left of my day: It’s such a busy time for me at uni but despair and self-loathing are completely destroying my ability to focus, my courage to at least attempt to do my work.

Thanks so much for reading,

doodles
 
BORTU

BORTU

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2010
Messages
1,449
Location
SW England
Hey Doodles,

When I had a bad spell and could not bring myself to talk to my therapist, I wrote it down so they could read it whilst I sat and sulked. It helps if you can tell your therapist the whole story. If they are doing the job right they will not express contempt.

There are times when I too, felt that I was a waste of space. But I am so useless that I could not even do a good job of falling off my perch.

You sound as if you are having a bad patch, but I am sure that the real YOU is a very special person.

Don't worry about rambling on, it is good to share it with us faceless friends.
 
D

DELATEXT

Guest
Hi, you are going through a horrible time and need reassurance and support, which I hope we can provide !
You are not useless you are ill and must realise this, go see your Doctor asap !!
Please talk to us and do not beat yourself up ??
Get help and talk to your Doctor !!
 
doodles

doodles

Member
Joined
May 27, 2009
Messages
11
Hey guys,

Thanks so much for your support.
I wish everything could be different but everytime I seem to have picked myself up I receive another slap in the face or kick in the gut - well that's what it feels like.
It was really comforting and encouraging to read your replies last night. But then today I had the most horrible day at uni, confirming and amplifying my insecurities.
However good things might appear for a moment, eventually I wake up to realise that it was all an illusion and that reality actually is a nightmare from which I can't escape.
 
D

DELATEXT

Guest
Sometimes my life is a black hole, nothing but bleak negative energy so I can relate to you in this ??
I have no magic answer to it, except do not give up, hope is always there you have to talk to either your Doctor or some one you trust ??
 
H

HeadSick

Active member
Joined
Jun 21, 2010
Messages
27
Location
U.S.
I had nightmares too about my guilt for being alive. Its because I tried to kill myself and lived but my friend was successfull two and half years later. I'm always being chased by someone who wants to stab me or chop me up or something like that. They eventually catch me and start stabbing me but I won't die. So they keep stabbing me and stabbing me while I stay alive. Eventually the dream just changes and I'm being chased again. The first couple of times it happened it scared the hell out of me but after talking to my therapist about the dreams they went away.

The whole point of going to a therapist is to be able to tell them your worst feelings and not worry about how they are going to react. Therapist are supposed to be unjudging and supportive but not all of them are. I had to go through several before I found the right one.
 
D

DELATEXT

Guest
guilt is a cross we all go on at sometime or another ?
it takes away our confidence , makes us want to hide away from the world, I hope you have
been able to talk to your Doctor and get help ??
 
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