Feeling guilty for being diagnosed with PTSD

[MyBrokenBrain]

When I was 14 or 15 I had a lying problem. I lied about my mum being dead. Me having cancer. My dad abusing me. This went on for around 6 months and was eventually stopped when one person I was lying to contacted social services and I got called into the head teachers office, who told me someone was concerned and I ended up telling her the truth. My mum got called into the school and I went home and we had a family discussion, followed by my dad going through my social media accounts checking my messages between people. A few weeks later, other people found out I was lying and we all got called into the head teachers office where I got shouted at by the people I had lied to. I deserve everything I got. I’ve struggled with my mental health since this, mainly with anxiety and depression and recently having been diagnosed with PTSD because of what happened/what I did. I’ve been through several other traumatic experiences since this, mainly abusive boyfriends and I always tell myself I deserve to be hurt by other people because of what I did. I haven’t talked to anyone about what happened in 10 years. I know that I deserve to suffer because of what I did. I’m now starting counselling and whilst I can talk to the counsellor about the abusive boyfriends, I’ve yet to be able to tell her about the lying as I’m worried she will judge me for it. I know I am an awful human but I would never even think of lying about anything like that again. I was just a stupid kid. I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s ruining my life.

 

[Sam1305]

You are definitly not a terrible human being ! i feel like you are searching more for redemption than for forgiveness, which maybe could be your problem. You have to realise that those lies are in the past. You said yourself you were just a kid and that now you wouln't lie again. That proves that you have grown and that you definitly don't deserve to get hurt so you have to stop telling yourself that. I am not a proffesional so you should try talking with your counsellor about your trauma. I know it is hard but trust me , you'll feel better. You were a kid so no one is going to judge you for it. Maybe you could try reaching out to a few of the people you lied to, then they will tell you too that they already forgot about it and that they aren't mad anymore.

 

[MyBrokenBrain]

You are definitly not a terrible human being ! i feel like you are searching more for redemption than for forgiveness, which maybe could be your problem. You have to realise that those lies are in the past. You said yourself you were just a kid and that now you wouln't lie again. That proves that you have grown and that you definitly don't deserve to get hurt so you have to stop telling yourself that. I am not a proffesional so you should try talking with your counsellor about your trauma. I know it is hard but trust me , you'll feel better. You were a kid so no one is going to judge you for it. Maybe you could try reaching out to a few of the people you lied to, then they will tell you too that they already forgot about it and that they aren't mad anymore.

Thank you so much. This is really helpful