Feeling guilty because of my parents

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DD040894

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Hi, I am 24 years old and I am suffering from deep depression, anxiety, feeling of guilty for many years. My father has abused me for many years, nearly 2 decades. He has called me idiot, fat, unsuccesfull, looking awful and was always telling me that bad things will happen in my life, that I will never fing a girlfriend, I will be worse and worse in school, will have 130 kg in few years and so on. He was never happy with my success and was always telling me that I am not good enough. I wanted even when I was 10 that my parents get divorced. I couldnt handle anymore those things. I have younger sister, she is 23 and she was my dad-s favorite until 12, 13 years old.And she was with him until she grew up and realized that he just wanted to be good with her to make me feel worse. My mother on the other hand was ignoring my problems and so many times when he tried to attack me she stood in between us and she called that defending me.They got divorced with numerous scandals when I was 17, but they tried numerous times again to live together agai.I feel guilty even for writing that.After divorce thins were even harder to digest.They werent talking to each other but were talking about them to my sister and me.She saved herself when she went to another country to study and told that she will kill herself if she stays home.Now sheis feeling good, has found a new life, has a boyfrind and rarely comes home.but my mother since leaving him for the last time few years after divorce, she is making me feel like i am retarded.She tries non stop to make me feel like i need her to live and that i depend on her. my father is the same. i left home a year ago and now i decided to make a pause in studies and start working becuse i feel guilty taking their money. now they just want me to come back home and i know it would be the worst thing.she writes me every day and if i dont answer she gets mad. i feel guilty because i feel that i made them unhappy, that i made their problems, that they gave me everything and i do this and that they divorced because of me.I just feel that i need to work, make money, spend all the time learning,and basicaly whatever else i do i feel guilty. i cant have girlfriend because deep inside i feel like i did something wrong to my parents and that they will die without me.i cant spend money because i feel guilty. sometimes i cant eat because i feel that i must not fo anything for myself and that my only worry should be them.. i feel lot of pain because of that. been on medications since 2013, going to psychotherapy also.....:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( its so hard to handle this pressre :((((((((
 
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Zoe1

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n yeah I get all of that ... to various degrees,
I have that unreasonable feeling of responsibility and pressure
the pressure is so great, that I can only get relief
by sharing with people like yourself who understand it

it sounds great to me that you are gaining some independence from them
that is something I have not yet achieved
although I dont live with them I'm still very dependent
and I dont feel well enough to get as far away as you are doing

you just need all the support you can get

I like going to support groups, both on the internet and face to face
where we sit in a circle and discuss the bullying and how we cope with it
and get hugs and laughs and stuff

:hug:
 
D

DD040894

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Joined
Apr 30, 2015
Messages
126
n yeah I get all of that ... to various degrees,
I have that unreasonable feeling of responsibility and pressure
the pressure is so great, that I can only get relief
by sharing with people like yourself who understand it

it sounds great to me that you are gaining some independence from them
that is something I have not yet achieved
although I dont live with them I'm still very dependent
and I dont feel well enough to get as far away as you are doing

you just need all the support you can get

I like going to support groups, both on the internet and face to face
where we sit in a circle and discuss the bullying and how we cope with it
and get hugs and laughs and stuff

:hug:
I completely understand you.Not so many people can understand us at all and I have sometimes also so big pressure, that I am on 5th year of medicine and still I am affraid that soon I could be doctor. I dont know but the fact scares me instead of making me happy, probably all bullying from my parents and people in school also left the mark...
 
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Zoe1

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n yeah I dont know how you get through
a high pressure career like that with these symptoms going on
I was not able to continue with my architectural career

I think you need to give yourself options
one of which is that you dont have to be a doctor

a degree involves alot of different transferrable skills
so that you could if you chose to ,
delay being a doctor for some time,
take a year off and travel or do something else you fancy

I would hope also there is a sympathetic career adviser at the university
who can take into account your symptoms when planning your next move

:grouphug:
 
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DD040894

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Joined
Apr 30, 2015
Messages
126
n yeah I dont know how you get through
a high pressure career like that with these symptoms going on
I was not able to continue with my architectural career

I think you need to give yourself options
one of which is that you dont have to be a doctor

a degree involves alot of different transferrable skills
so that you could if you chose to ,
delay being a doctor for some time,
take a year off and travel or do something else you fancy

I would hope also there is a sympathetic career adviser at the university
who can take into account your symptoms when planning your next move

:grouphug:
I dont know either...I decided to take a year off to work and spend without learning.At the time I actually dont know what I want in my life, I am really not sure, hopefully time will tell. Anotherproblem is that I have a lot of anxiety surrounding job, I was working in cofee bar for a month and it was mentally exhausting for me..:( Hug
 
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DD040894

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I dont know really...I like playing tennis but that doesnt make money...I am just looking for a job that doesnt include people and money, Im just tired of both of those things. Hopefully Ill find some physical job...
 
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DD040894

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Apr 30, 2015
Messages
126
Does it happen to you that you do something even if you dont want to* for exhample going with your parents somewhere and you feel a lot of frustraton after that... its such a tough place to be.Hopefully I will learn how to listen to myself first and then the others, its really a hard lesson. Same for you...
To me it happens so often...for exhample today I wasnt feeling good at all and went out with my friends and then felt even worse...in the afternoon I answered a message to my mother even though I didnt want and after that I just want to explode out of anger, again because I did what she would like me to do, I didnt listen to myself.. :(
 
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Zoe1

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yes I was thinking today about the word ' monetised '
as a poetic entity , and how uncomfortable with it I am
so I share that feeling

you are young and free to explore

and yes I do find myself doing other peoples bidding
and after about 4 years with a very good therapist
I started standing up to it
but its so so hard, and I feel so frightened and unwell
without the security of obeying my aunt for instance

and if I do obey her , I'm full of rage as you said

:thanks:
 
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