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Feeling extremely triggered

L

Lucce1998

New member
Joined
Mar 7, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Edinburgh
Hi everyone.
I developed anorexia when I was 14 (I'm 23 now) and started a very slow and limited recovery about a year after (I received no professional help); although I gained weight and became less restrictive with food and obsessive about exercise, I feel like I never really overcame the mental side of it and there is still a large element of control it exercises in my life. I found I just learnt to live with it and managed to push aside disordered thoughts for the most part. However over the last year or so I have put on some weight and honestly this is really triggering me. Before I didn't mind the weight gain so much because I was still quite petite and toned, however recently, due to injuries preventing me from running as much and the gyms being closed due to covid, my body has changed and I am feeling so triggered by this. I have pretty short legs, so any weight gain is noticeable and my thighs make me feel so disgusted. I was looking at pictures of me from a few years ago and I can't believe how much my body has changed and how much weight I have put on. I look at pictures of myself now and my face has filled out so much - all of my nice bone structure gone and I don't even recognise myself. I feel like this isn't my body. I was in denial about how much fat I've gained and today started taking photos of my legs and I was so shocked at how they look now I started self-harming because I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I look like that. I don't know what to do, obviously I don't want to go down that dark path again but I genuinely feel like I'm never going to accept or be happy with my body. I am surrounded by my friends who have long, slim legs and I feel so thick and stumpy around them, I am constantly comparing my legs to other women my age. It doesn't help that I always have to get my jeans tailored in order to fit me, even though I order the shortest length, which just confirms to me that I have horrible short legs compared to everyone else and I feel that the only way I can like them again is if I lose the weight. Sorry for all the negativity but I feel this is something I need to let out. Does anyone else still struggle accepting their healthier bodies?
 
Marrex

Marrex

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 17, 2021
Messages
138
Location
Oklahoma City
I have no experience with eating disorders, but my sympathies are with you. Here's to hoping someone is able to help. :) Also, I see you're relatively new to these forums, so welcome!
 
H

Huckleberry

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 6, 2021
Messages
139
Location
Michigan
Hi everyone.
I developed anorexia when I was 14 (I'm 23 now) and started a very slow and limited recovery about a year after (I received no professional help); although I gained weight and became less restrictive with food and obsessive about exercise, I feel like I never really overcame the mental side of it and there is still a large element of control it exercises in my life. I found I just learnt to live with it and managed to push aside disordered thoughts for the most part. However over the last year or so I have put on some weight and honestly this is really triggering me. Before I didn't mind the weight gain so much because I was still quite petite and toned, however recently, due to injuries preventing me from running as much and the gyms being closed due to covid, my body has changed and I am feeling so triggered by this. I have pretty short legs, so any weight gain is noticeable and my thighs make me feel so disgusted. I was looking at pictures of me from a few years ago and I can't believe how much my body has changed and how much weight I have put on. I look at pictures of myself now and my face has filled out so much - all of my nice bone structure gone and I don't even recognise myself. I feel like this isn't my body. I was in denial about how much fat I've gained and today started taking photos of my legs and I was so shocked at how they look now I started self-harming because I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I look like that. I don't know what to do, obviously I don't want to go down that dark path again but I genuinely feel like I'm never going to accept or be happy with my body. I am surrounded by my friends who have long, slim legs and I feel so thick and stumpy around them, I am constantly comparing my legs to other women my age. It doesn't help that I always have to get my jeans tailored in order to fit me, even though I order the shortest length, which just confirms to me that I have horrible short legs compared to everyone else and I feel that the only way I can like them again is if I lose the weight. Sorry for all the negativity but I feel this is something I need to let out. Does anyone else still struggle accepting their healthier bodies?
Sounds like an addiction. Like I'm addicted to cigarettes and it will be a life long battle to stay quit. Some with alcohol, once you have alcoholism it never goes away. So it may get easier and you may get some very testing times. A lot of it is in your head too. I hope you can feel better about yourself
 

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