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Feeling empty, how do you get back from this?

E

Eclat123

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Indonesia
A few years ago, I was a top student with several scholarships, awards, exchange experiences, work experiences, and research experiences going in one of the top universities in my country. I have a considerably high IQ, great family background, excellent social circle, and people often called me a genius.

But now, just a few years down the road, I can't even will myself to get out of my bed and leave the house. This has been happening for a few years, and I always manage to neglect to work on the only thing needed to obtain my degree, my final undergrad thesis. This year I'm turning 25, and it's supposed to be my last chance of finishing up my thesis, but I just can't seem to get out from the hole, and I don't know why.

I always had some depression symptoms going on when I was a kid, but after I got into university, it just got a lot worse. My best friend, who I regarded as the only person close to me, died when I was in my 2nd year. At first I tried neglecting my emotion, trying to make friends with everyone and doing everything just to keep my mind busy. I was trying to be accepted, to be friendly and cheerful like she was, so that I can feel this void and won't have to feel so empty if someone left. Few years down the road, I had a lot of friends, great prospects, but somehow I feel so... lost?

I avoid intimacy and keeps people at an arm's length. I just can't truly say what's on my mind to anyone, at all. I was wrapped in this gold glittering foil everyone seems to see and like, smiling everytime, enthusiastically doing anything, but deep down I know that none of these people would be with me if they knew the real me, a sad old ball of dirt hiding inside the foil.

Simply said, in a snap, I lost a lot of 'close friends' got my works tumbled down because of my constantly recurring episodes. Now I shut myself in my home, work by myself from home, and I don't meed anyone except my family, who I constantly avoid because I know they're worried for me.

I don't know why, be it my inability to process emotions, final year pressures, lost sense of identity, my family circumstances--every little things in my life just suddenly blew up right in my face and I completely shut down. And I just want to give up.

Since I was a kid, I knew that I wouldn't live to my 25th birthday, and most likely would take my own life before then, thus why I always felt confusef when I was aked to write a life plan. I never have wanted to have a boyfriend nor have I ever imagined myself marrying someone, because deep down I know, I will take my own life in the end and I don't dare to involve anyone else in it.

I've done some extremely stupid things I'm not proud of, multiple attempts yet none was successful. I managed to hide those from my family and friends so far. They might have suspected that something was amiss, but none of them dared to confront me.

I tried help, really. I went to some therapy sessions, had discussions with experts, explored numerous religions, got some prescribed meds, but in the end that emptiness just keeps coming. People used to call me ambitious, but now I can't even feel the fraction of what I used to be. It feels like I'm grappling on empty air.

The thing is, I feel like this kind of ending is not bad. I just want to finish writing a book for my best friend, then just close the chapters altogether. I don't have the will to survive anymore. I already knew that my life would end as a tragedy since I was in grade school.

Tell me, how do you get back from this?
 
vanish

vanish

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Forum Safety Team
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Sep 29, 2014
Messages
2,871
Location
The Land of Oz
Hey there @Eclat123 I felt compelled to write to you, as we share some similarities in own journeys through life.
My best friend died by suicide in 2007, I was supposed to complete the act with her but she said I had "too much potential" and should live. Ever since then I have struggled with intrusive thoughts about taking my own life. I have numerous unsuccessful attempts under my belt also (like you). Each milestone birthday (30th, 35th and 40th), I've felt enormous guilt that I am still living and she isn't. I always feel extremely depressed around my birthday, thinking of what 'should have been'.
However with a good therapist, I've discovered my poor friend was probably right. I do have too much potential to die that way (she had a lot of potential too, don't get me wrong and shouldn't have died under such circumstances). I'm learning more about discovering my own self esteem and self worth is in development under this therapist.
It's okay to miss your friend, it's a normal part of the grieving process I believe. There are still days when I miss my friend too, especially close to Christmas, as it's around then that she passed away. However I think now "what would my friend think?" when I think about harming myself or I entertain suicidal ideation. I think my friend would think I shouldn't think that way because she would want me to be happy in life and achieving great things. It's because of her I am working actively every day on my recovery and it's because of her I want to pursue a career in mental health, helping others on the brink and helping them find their footing once again.
It's possible to step back from the abyss whilst still grieving, just by honouring their memory and your memories you have of your time together. I'm sure you friend wouldn't want you to die by suicide or to harm yourself.
Are you seeing a therapist or anything to help you process these thoughts/feelings and emotions you're experiencing and helping you also process your grief over your friend? You've shown in your post you have potential too, please don't let it go waste.
 
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