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Feeling... down.

M

madsheep

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 11, 2009
Messages
607
Location
Bedfordshire
Down is such a simple word. It doesnt really describe the way that I am feeling. It doesnt even come close. When my sister talks of being down she talks of the thoughts she is having because of money problems or because she is looking for work and cant find any. Down for me is so much more. It the bitter taste I get in my mouth, its the heavy feeling I get in my heart, its the horrible thoughts that race around and around in my head. Thoughts of hurting, physically hurting myself. But not actually feeling the pain that I should be, that a normal human being feels.

I didnt really know where to put this. I have a joural, but I havent written in it for a few months, and the thought of putting this there and having a glimpse of the dispair of my earlier posts.... its just not going to happen. I could write this in the self harming forum, thats where I spend most of my days. I could also write it in the depression forum, or perhaps the agoraphobia threads. But BPD is the main reason, the root cause of all this. The other problems are just branches, branches that are getting bigger and harder to manage, but just branches.

I am feeling empty right now. So empty that the thought of taking an overdose has passed through my head so regularly. I could... but I dont really have much to take. Most of the tablets in this house have been removed, or are no longer there because of previous epsiodes. There is also a distinctive lack of alcohol in the wine rack now. Also from previous episodes. On one occasion I took the tow rope from my car and walked in a drunken stupor into the local forest. I couldnt tie a knot (sorry if this is too graphic I just need to get it out.) So I am still here.

I love my fiance. I love my mum and my sisters. But I hurt. I hurt so much that physical pain is no longer something that I feel. 'you are so young, you still have your whole life ahead of you'. This might be true but how. How am i supposed to live with the fact that I just cant get pregnant. How am I supposed to live with the fact that the majority of my closest friends are graduating this summer and I should be there with them. But instead I am not. How can I live with the realisation that even though I keep telling people that I am going back to uni in october, that realistically its never going to happen.

I dont have ANY support. well thats not strictly true. Graeme is 'supportive'. He holds me when I cry, he forgives me when I get angry, he holds my hand on the rare occasion that I leave the house, he helps me calm down when I have a panic attack. But thats not REAL help. yes I am registered with the local mental health team, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning, and I apparently have a socail worker/carecoordinator. But this guy that is supposed to be my socail worker, spoke to me once for about 10 minutes. This was 7 weeks ago and I havent heard a peep from him since. My psychiatrist... I have had one meeting with him, again 7 weeks ago. In this meeting he pressed and pressed on my previous suicide attempts. I was getting more and more wound up and almost walked out. He made promises of referals and support as well as an assessment for Graeme to see how they could help him. Well Graemes carers assessment is tomorrow afternoon, but I have had no support whatsoever.

And now I have hit rock bottom again. Well not quite. I got back from a lovely holiday in Paris. It was heaven. and now I am home everything is back to normal again. I feel as terrible as I did before we left, and the holiday doesnt seem real anymore. I was just a pleasant dream. And now reality, if you can call it that, has taken over.

I hadnt self harmed for a total of 18 days. Two weeks when Graeme was off of work, and three days when my sister stayed over. Then yesterday I came close. I posted on here and someone was kind enough to distract me for a while. Then this morning I decided to come and sit in the back garden. To enjoy the most of the sunshine. So I did, and then after lunch, I walked into the house and SHed without thinking about it twice. They are deep and they are long. Will probably scar. So all that hard work was for nothing. And right at this moment in time I feel like doing it again. But as long as I sit here writing this pathetic story of mine, I wont do it.

I realise that this is a rather long post, I dont even know if the word count is way too much for this kind of thing. And I dont really mind if anyone reads it... well thats a bit of a lie. I would like to know that someone, somewhere is taking the time to read it. Just one person. But I realise that this might not happen, and so I shall have to face that truth.

So now I am faced with the three and a half hours until Graeme comes back from a hard day at work. I used to be honest with him. But not now. Not any more. I cant. I cant bare to see the dispare in his eyes, the helplessness written all over his face, the agrivation in his body language, that someone should be doing something. So I just pretend I am ok. He can see I am not. But I try to hide it and do normal things. Cook the dinner, watch some television. Even have a little hug. But it doesnt help, not really. And then all those feelings that I am hiding just build up and ooze through me the next day until I feel like I cant handle it any longer.

I want to OD. I want to go off into that forest with that rope. I want to do something that will take away this endless pain. But I shall sit here and cry instead. Sit here and cry silent tears that noone shall know about. And then it will all start again.
 
B

Buddha

Active member
Joined
Mar 9, 2010
Messages
32
The root cause of it all

I would like to know that someone, somewhere is taking the time to read it. Just one person. But I realise that this might not happen, and so I shall have to face that truth.
Now you know that someone, somewhere has taken time to read it.

Thank you for sharing.

This is what I shall say:

Don't be too sure about the root cause of it all. It may be much simpler and easier to understand than any of the PDs or DD or any other Ds.

There are lots of free audios and videos by Eckhart Tolle and Adyashanti on Youtube and www.adyashanti.org. Try them in your 'down' times the next time.

Wishing you the best.
 
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