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Feeling down and a bit lost.

D

doglovinglou

Active member
Joined
Nov 21, 2012
Messages
40
I'm not sure where abouts I should post this, so apologies if it's in the wrong section.

I suffer from anxiety...recently diagnosed as social anxiety. I don't really do anything on my own and rely heavily on my parents for help with everyday things such as shopping, travelling further afield than my village/the few places I know etc. I received some CBT about a year ago, but nothing since. Although I had another evaluation back in September from a 'specialist doctor' whatever one of those are where I was 'diagnosed' with the SA. They want to put me on meds to help ease the anxiety but as I'm not depressed I'm very reluctant and as of yet haven't started them. In the meantime I was referred to another therapist to assess my need for further CBT and the conclusion was that no, they don't think I require anymore. I came away from that appointment feeling very hopeless to be honest. I found the attitude of the therapist very unsympathetic and she just said that I know what I'm meant to be doing and that further therapy would be of no help and that they don't want me relying on that.

I can't do the important things in life like shop for myself....can't even change my address at the bank ( I've just moved recently ) because you have to go into the bank and they won't accept my parent's word for it. So I simply have to leave my old address. And I apparently don't need no therapy.

I am so torn as I crave independence. I have recently fallen out with my mum and have not seen or spoken to her in about 4 weeks. In this time I have relied on my dad for everything and sadly we don't get on. He has been mentally abusive to me since I was 12 years old and is always negative and putting me down. He is no support whatsoever and says things like he has to hold my hand like a baby and that I will be on my own soon as he won't keep coming over. I absolutely hate him and have done since I was14 years old. But due to my horrible circumstances I'm trapped. I HAVE to rely on my parents.

I have no friends, no boyfriend, no one else I can rely on for support. I often crave the support of a partner but that's never going to happen!

Where do I go from here when I'm being refused help?
 
mami5

mami5

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 30, 2012
Messages
11,268
Location
North West Wales
Hi, I'm sorry you're struggling so much and reliant on your family for everything. Have you considered giving the meds a go? I know you said you don't have depression but they can work for anxiety too. They might give you the boost you need to become more independent. It's up to you of course, just a thought.

Hope you'll be feeling better soon :hug:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
D

doglovinglou

Active member
Joined
Nov 21, 2012
Messages
40
Hi, I'm sorry you're struggling so much and reliant on your family for everything. Have you considered giving the meds a go? I know you said you don't have depression but they can work for anxiety too. They might give you the boost you need to become more independent. It's up to you of course, just a thought.

Hope you'll be feeling better soon :hug:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thank you. I am considering the meds, yes. They are sertraline I think? However I feel I need more than meds to help me feel differently about things.

The CBT I received before did help me do some things. I learnt to use the ATM machine on my own! Previously never having dealt with my own money as I couldn't draw it out. And I also learnt to put petrol in my car...although with my mum/dad watching and paying still. So if it's proven successful why would they determine I'm not eligible for anymore? :low:
 
R

Richter

Active member
Joined
Nov 27, 2014
Messages
30
Hello doglovinglou, your circumstances kinda resonate with me. I was a bit of a shut in, did a bit of cbt, got some meds, negative parents (although they can be ok sometimes.) None of it helped me massively, but I've made some progress. It worked ok for me maybe it will for you:

Taking a year out of education after I had severe anxiety let me reassess myself. I tried to improve myself in all aspects. During this time I went out under my own terms, just little things like getting tea from the supermarket. I also tried to push doubt out of my mind while I was doing it. It helps to have something else to think about, like listening to music, counting things at my feet, thinking about things I like, daydreaming really. It may sound obvious but it's about getting into a state of mind where you stop thinking about it, by just blocking doubt out in your mind or distracting yourself. This is the difference between us and non-anxiety sufferers, they don't think about it, their head isn't a constant hurricane of doubt and worry. I can now walk around, although I still feel on edge at times.

Try visiting safe places with few ppl, maybe apark or library. Do whatever you can to not think about doubt. Don't think, just do, go on autopilot.

That's all the advice I can give I'm afraid.
 
D

doglovinglou

Active member
Joined
Nov 21, 2012
Messages
40
Hello doglovinglou, your circumstances kinda resonate with me. I was a bit of a shut in, did a bit of cbt, got some meds, negative parents (although they can be ok sometimes.) None of it helped me massively, but I've made some progress. It worked ok for me maybe it will for you:

Taking a year out of education after I had severe anxiety let me reassess myself. I tried to improve myself in all aspects. During this time I went out under my own terms, just little things like getting tea from the supermarket. I also tried to push doubt out of my mind while I was doing it. It helps to have something else to think about, like listening to music, counting things at my feet, thinking about things I like, daydreaming really. It may sound obvious but it's about getting into a state of mind where you stop thinking about it, by just blocking doubt out in your mind or distracting yourself. This is the difference between us and non-anxiety sufferers, they don't think about it, their head isn't a constant hurricane of doubt and worry. I can now walk around, although I still feel on edge at times.

Try visiting safe places with few ppl, maybe apark or library. Do whatever you can to not think about doubt. Don't think, just do, go on autopilot.

That's all the advice I can give I'm afraid.

That is good advise, thanks. I do put on a mask when out and according to my mum you would never know there is anything wrong with me. I will talk confidently and bubbly if approached and I have learnt to calm a lot of the flustered kind of behaviours down. As long as I stay calm I'm in control.

However, I've also used negativity and turned it into anger and bitterness as a coping strategy. For example, I will think really negatively about other people and will become incredibly spiteful. After all if you're feeling angry you're not feeling anxious...that's kind of how I've worked at it. But obviously the anger isn't normal and to be honest no one is helping me understand these thoughts and it doesn't actually help me do these things on my own. I'm still with my parent's but I just feel less vulnerable.

Have had a bad day today anyway. I don't believe things will change for me. Everything always goes wrong!
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
7,826
Location
small town Ontario, Canada
just a thought, there are several mindfullness courses online you can use, they are really beneficial. I used to use the Living Life to the the Full website for CBT.Living Life To The Full. you could also try the mindfullness courses and exercises here as well Mindfulness exercises - Living Well.

Learning coping tools is vital in combating anxiety, sorry you have been turned down for further help. Talking on here can be a huge help, so many of us struggle with SA and GA.
:hug:
 
Last edited:
D

doglovinglou

Active member
Joined
Nov 21, 2012
Messages
40
just a thought, there are several mindfullness courses online you can use, they are really beneficial. I used to use the Living Life to the the Full website for CBT.Living Life To The Full. you could also try the mindfullness courses and exercises here as well Mindfulness exercises - Living Well.

Learning coping tools is vital in combating anxiety, sorry you have been turned down for further help. Talking on here can be a huge help, so many of us struggle with SA and GA.
:hug:
Thank you. I'm going to save those links you provided in my faves tab.

Really, I think the answer is as simple as cutting the negativity out of my life....but how do you do that when you rely on that person? I've had an absolutely awful day today. Really vile attitude from my dad and I know he's the root cause of all my issues.
 
J

jimindigo

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2012
Messages
198
The Enemy

Hi,
Unless you can alter 'living with the enemy' you are well and
truly trapped,so you'll just have to live with it for the rest of your
life!
Sorry to put it like that,but this is essentially what you are
saying. And I wanted to shock you into seeing that you could
still be where you are 5yrs.from now? 10yrs.? 20yrs? 30yrs.?
For God's sake get AWAY from them,it is they who gave you
this to begin with!
I suffered anxiety for many years,and it was
a LIVING DEATH! What changed it for me was down to 2 things:
1. I gladly accepted I had the RIGHT to be angry at anyone who
was treating me badly. 2.That I had made a mistake when very
young,of TRANSFERRING the fear I had of my parents (which was
absolute) onto the outside world . . .it was all a MISTAKE!
The core of the problem was my parents,who are now thankfully
dead,and whom I consider were insane.
I hope this has been
sufficiently shocking for you,to enable you to get off your bum and
take responsibility FOR YOUR LIFE!
Courage To You,
jimindigo
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
7,826
Location
small town Ontario, Canada
I think the answer is as simple as cutting the negativity out of my life....but how do you do that when you rely on that person? I've had an absolutely awful day today. Really vile attitude from my dad and I know he's the root cause of all my issues.
I understand this all to well, most of my family is a toxic influence in my life and most I cut out permanently as they were/are only a source of continued suffering and emotional pain. Never supportive, always critical and blaming me or calling me names, very destructive to my self esteem and self image. My parents mainly my mum was my most negative influence growing up, but being the dutifull daughter I continued going at her beck and call up to her death. I had fogiven my father many many years earlier and we actually had a very good relationship for most of my life aside from his initial S abuse that my PTSD stems from.

It is not easy to just erase these people out of your life. I was very insecure,vulnerable, self shaming and didn't feel strong enough to go it alone caring for my parents as an adult. I felt was the right thing to do even after I realized how toxic my mum was in my life. I made excuses for them too often, forgave when I shouldn't of and so on. I found myself always trying to prove my worth, though with my mum this was an impossible task. I wanted my kids to have grandparents in their lives as well so that was part of my decision. It was a decision that impacted not only my life but those of my supportive siblings as well and my children. In the end I refused to go to mums funeral and was very angry with many new realizations, it effected my relationships with my siblings for a long time afterwards. I misdirected my anger onto them and put blame where it didn't belong. I only communicate with 2 of my 5 siblings now. They are understanding of my PTSD, accepting my parents roles as the cause and into the disfunction it caused throughout all of our upbringing. They are empathetic and loving in our limited long distance communication.

As long as you realize the toxic influence they cause and don't put this blame/shame onto yourself you may well be able to maintain a relationship with them. But if you do feel strong enough to cut the harmfull people out of your life and to put the blame where it belongs, then you will definately be taking positive steps for a healthier, more positive and more validated lifestyle for yourself. Hope this helps a little.

I'm glad you like the links I sent, hope they help you as much as they helped me.
 
Last edited:
D

doglovinglou

Active member
Joined
Nov 21, 2012
Messages
40
Hi,
Unless you can alter 'living with the enemy' you are well and
truly trapped,so you'll just have to live with it for the rest of your
life!
Sorry to put it like that,but this is essentially what you are
saying. And I wanted to shock you into seeing that you could
still be where you are 5yrs.from now? 10yrs.? 20yrs? 30yrs.?
For God's sake get AWAY from them,it is they who gave you
this to begin with!
I suffered anxiety for many years,and it was
a LIVING DEATH! What changed it for me was down to 2 things:
1. I gladly accepted I had the RIGHT to be angry at anyone who
was treating me badly. 2.That I had made a mistake when very
young,of TRANSFERRING the fear I had of my parents (which was
absolute) onto the outside world . . .it was all a MISTAKE!
The core of the problem was my parents,who are now thankfully
dead,and whom I consider were insane.
I hope this has been
sufficiently shocking for you,to enable you to get off your bum and
take responsibility FOR YOUR LIFE!
Courage To You,
jimindigo

What you say does make sense, and is nothing I don't know already. Which is why I believe I've been refused further help because they said I know what I'm 'meant' to be doing.

However WHY can't I help myself? I'm either not strong enough, to trapped, and/or lazy! to try and push myself. I can't just cut my dad out of my life as simply as it may sound as I can't do anything for myself. So first things first is learning how to live independently!

Don't suppose anyone knows any workshops or anything that teaches independence?

Secondly, my mum lives with my dad and sister ( and my sister is in EXACTLY the same position as me ) My dad is mentally abusive to my mum too, but since all our troubles began when I was 12 years old, she has never left him despite countless times promising she will. I feel she let me down too. My mum says she can't be responsible for everything and that my dad has to do some things for me too as it's not fair. She doesn't understand how he impacts my emotional state just by simply being in my presence.
 
D

doglovinglou

Active member
Joined
Nov 21, 2012
Messages
40
I understand this all to well, most of my family is a toxic influence in my life and most I cut out permanently as they were/are only a source of continued suffering and emotional pain. Never supportive, always critical and blaming me or calling me names, very destructive to my self esteem and self image. My parents mainly my mum was my most negative influence growing up, but being the dutifull daughter I continued going at her beck and call up to her death. I had fogiven my father many many years earlier and we actually had a very good relationship for most of my life aside from his initial S abuse that my PTSD stems from.

It is not easy to just erase these people out of your life. I was very insecure,vulnerable, self shaming and didn't feel strong enough to go it alone caring for my parents as an adult. I felt was the right thing to do even after I realized how toxic my mum was in my life. I made excuses for them too often, forgave when I shouldn't of and so on. I found myself always trying to prove my worth, though with my mum this was an impossible task. I wanted my kids to have grandparents in their lives as well so that was part of my decision. It was a decision that impacted not only my life but those of my supportive siblings as well and my children. In the end I refused to go to mums funeral and was very angry with many new realizations, it effected my relationships with my siblings for a long time afterwards. I misdirected my anger onto them and put blame where it didn't belong. I only communicate with 2 of my 5 siblings now. They are understanding of my PTSD, accepting my parents roles as the cause and into the disfunction it caused throughout all of our upbringing. They are empathetic and loving in our limited long distance communication.

As long as you realize the toxic influence they cause and don't put this blame/shame onto yourself you may well be able to maintain a relationship with them. But if you do feel strong enough to cut the harmfull people out of your life and to put the blame where it belongs, then you will definately be taking positive steps for a healthier, more positive and more validated lifestyle for yourself. Hope this helps a little.

I'm glad you like the links I sent, hope they help you as much as they helped me.
Good on you for eventually finding the courage to take action and cut your family out off your life. It's great that you have two supportive siblings.

I don't blame myself at all for the actions of my dad, but there is to much damage and hurt to ever 'move on' with his presence still around if that makes sense? Like he's a continual negativity in my life and I just can't escape it.

Our family is laughable really. No one would put up with what we have, but in a lot of ways, we're all weak and pathetic and damaged.
 
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