Feeling discouraged

P

punkyme19803

Guest
Ok I'm supposed to be moving with my boyfriend of almost a year and a half. And we are having bad luck regarding the move. Which is bad in itself. And it has been very discouraging. But we are looking now at other options for places to live. And we found one duplex and another apartment complex we are looking into. Here is the issue with me. I have a mother who is pretty much critical of everything I do. And I have lived with her for 35 years and have been dependent on her a lot. But now I've reached a point in my life. That I want to become fully independent. That's why I'm moving a good ways away from my family. But my mom has always treated me like a child as well. And my mind always tells me. That if she is against something, or negative on it. Then I can't do it. And it keeps me from trying sometimes. And she doesnt have much encouraging to say to me on moving. It's just always how I'm not going to make it. How I don't realize how hard it's going to be. And her latest fussing at me. Is because the place we were going to rent was going to be $600.00. And she thinks we are crazy to pay that much rent. Even though we are splitting the rent payment me and my bf. And where he lives rent is higher. So they don't have many places under $600.00 for rent. She made a suggestion that she would get us an apartment in her name. But then we would have to pay the rent. I don't want that. One I want to do it all for myself. And second she will just later use it against me. And throw it up in my face. When she tells me I don't realize all that she has done for me. So when my boyfriend mentioned this duplex to me the other day. He also sent me pictures. I shot it down immediately. Because I just kept thinking. There is no way my mom will be on board with us renting a duplex. Probably just because it's a duplex. And if I don't get what I think wants for me in renting a place out of my head. I will never find a place. My dad told me I could be moving in the white house. And she would still find something wrong with that. And something she doesn't like regarding it. And I know deep down he is right. There is no pleasing my mom. She has to many stipulations and exceptions when it comes to a place for me. I'm not going to find a perfect place that meets all her standards. And even though I'm an adult. And in the end any decisions I make are up to me. My mind still convinces me that some how she could tell me no on doing something she is against. I guess it just comes down to I let her influance my desicions way too much.
 
L

Lunar Lady

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
3,109
Location
UK
I would answer, very strongly, that you don't need your mother's approval of your life choices.

I have a narcissistic, domineering mother. Took me thirty eight years to realise she was NOT a god...just a flawed human being!

If you get caught up in constantly trying to feel validated by her, you are allowing her to control you and your adult life.

You are absolutely right to reject any scheme that requires her financial sponsorship, or signature.

Yes - she'll be all queued up with the "I told you so" if things don't work out - this, and any other independent venture in your future...but as your father has already pointed out, nothing pleases her unless its her choice or she has the control.

I think this will be really good for you. Just shrug and say "Yeah, it might not work but I'm growing and learning - and it wouldn't be the end of the world."

Pay no attention to guilt trips, forecasts of doom, threats to 'keep her distance' until you see sense or jealous rivalry against your partner. I may be wrong about your mother but I sense a level of control over you that could be toxic.

It's your life and you're entitled to make your own decisions.

Wishing you every happiness x
 
Y

Yodagirl

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
626
Location
Georgia USA
I would answer, very strongly, that you don't need your mother's approval of your life choices.

I have a narcissistic, domineering mother. Took me thirty eight years to realise she was NOT a god...just a flawed human being!

If you get caught up in constantly trying to feel validated by her, you are allowing her to control you and your adult life.

You are absolutely right to reject any scheme that requires her financial sponsorship, or signature.

Yes - she'll be all queued up with the "I told you so" if things don't work out - this, and any other independent venture in your future...but as your father has already pointed out, nothing pleases her unless its her choice or she has the control.

I think this will be really good for you. Just shrug and say "Yeah, it might not work but I'm growing and learning - and it wouldn't be the end of the world."

Pay no attention to guilt trips, forecasts of doom, threats to 'keep her distance' until you see sense or jealous rivalry against your partner. I may be wrong about your mother but I sense a level of control over you that could be toxic.

It's your life and you're entitled to make your own decisions.

Wishing you every happiness x
Very good advice! I too had a Narcissistic Mom!
 
Y

Yodagirl

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
626
Location
Georgia USA
I would answer, very strongly, that you don't need your mother's approval of your life choices.

I have a narcissistic, domineering mother. Took me thirty eight years to realise she was NOT a god...just a flawed human being!

If you get caught up in constantly trying to feel validated by her, you are allowing her to control you and your adult life.

You are absolutely right to reject any scheme that requires her financial sponsorship, or signature.

Yes - she'll be all queued up with the "I told you so" if things don't work out - this, and any other independent venture in your future...but as your father has already pointed out, nothing pleases her unless its her choice or she has the control.

I think this will be really good for you. Just shrug and say "Yeah, it might not work but I'm growing and learning - and it wouldn't be the end of the world."

Pay no attention to guilt trips, forecasts of doom, threats to 'keep her distance' until you see sense or jealous rivalry against your partner. I may be wrong about your mother but I sense a level of control over you that could be toxic.

It's your life and you're entitled to make your own decisions.
I would answer, very strongly, that you don't need your mother's approval of your life choices.

I have a narcissistic, domineering mother. Took me thirty eight years to realise she was NOT a god...just a flawed human being!

If you get caught up in constantly trying to feel validated by her, you are allowing her to control you and your adult life.

You are absolutely right to reject any scheme that requires her financial sponsorship, or signature.

Yes - she'll be all queued up with the "I told you so" if things don't work out - this, and any other independent venture in your future...but as your father has already pointed out, nothing pleases her unless its her choice or she has the control.

I think this will be really good for you. Just shrug and say "Yeah, it might not work but I'm growing and learning - and it wouldn't be the end of the world."

Pay no attention to guilt trips, forecasts of doom, threats to 'keep her distance' until you see sense or jealous rivalry against your partner. I may be wrong about your mother but I sense a level of control over you that could be toxic.

It's your life and you're entitled to make your own decisions.

Wishing you every happiness x
Wishing you every happiness x
Ok I'm supposed to be moving with my boyfriend of almost a year and a half. And we are having bad luck regarding the move. Which is bad in itself. And it has been very discouraging. But we are looking now at other options for places to live. And we found one duplex and another apartment complex we are looking into. Here is the issue with me. I have a mother who is pretty much critical of everything I do. And I have lived with her for 35 years and have been dependent on her a lot. But now I've reached a point in my life. That I want to become fully independent. That's why I'm moving a good ways away from my family. But my mom has always treated me like a child as well. And my mind always tells me. That if she is against something, or negative on it. Then I can't do it. And it keeps me from trying sometimes. And she doesnt have much encouraging to say to me on moving. It's just always how I'm not going to make it. How I don't realize how hard it's going to be. And her latest fussing at me. Is because the place we were going to rent was going to be $600.00. And she thinks we are crazy to pay that much rent. Even though we are splitting the rent payment me and my bf. And where he lives rent is higher. So they don't have many places under $600.00 for rent. She made a suggestion that she would get us an apartment in her name. But then we would have to pay the rent. I don't want that. One I want to do it all for myself. And second she will just later use it against me. And throw it up in my face. When she tells me I don't realize all that she has done for me. So when my boyfriend mentioned this duplex to me the other day. He also sent me pictures. I shot it down immediately. Because I just kept thinking. There is no way my mom will be on board with us renting a duplex. Probably just because it's a duplex. And if I don't get what I think wants for me in renting a place out of my head. I will never find a place. My dad told me I could be moving in the white house. And she would still find something wrong with that. And something she doesn't like regarding it. And I know deep down he is right. There is no pleasing my mom. She has to many stipulations and exceptions when it comes to a place for me. I'm not going to find a perfect place that meets all her standards. And even though I'm an adult. And in the end any decisions I make are up to me. My mind still convinces me that some how she could tell me no on doing something she is against. I guess it just comes down to I let her influance my desicions way too much.
I would totally have to agree with what Lunar lady said, great advice! A therapist once told me we couldn’t choose our parents but we could control what negative behaviors we still allow from them. I have learned there is no changing my controlling Mom! So I’ve had to learn to love her from a distance. I no longer allow her to guilt trip me and manipulate me. Wishing you the best of luck in your situation. :hug:
 
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