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Feeling different

B

Blooart

New member
Joined
Nov 25, 2014
Messages
1
Ever since being a kid I've always been very self-aware of my childhood and place in comparison to my peers.

Now, at 30 years old it still niggles at the back of my mind, and with this anger and unhappiness (not sure about depression).

I'm a very rational, logical person in general, I have a powerful job at the top of a medium business which I love, one reason is it keeps me busy and productive, with no time to 'dwell' on personal thoughts too much.

Nothing bad has particularly happened to me, though perhaps deep down it does feel as though I've been hit with tragedies. I lost my mother at 2.5 years of age, which to be honest as I never knew her, have never missed her as such. However have been very aware that virtually everyone, in my life anyway, has a mother, and receives the love and care 'needed' when young. My dad always did best by me I think, yet there's no bond there and he did make me unhappy growing up with his anger and moodiness, ultimately he wanted to be left alone, as I often do - I appreciate my own space and time alone.

I was also the 'poor boy' compared to all my friends - I was clever at school, and generally all the clever kids had a more stable background. With this there was some teasing and bullying, but to be honest I think I can agree that at that age 'most kids' can be pretty nasty without any real intent and comes from a lack of understanding.

The best way I can explain it is deep down I am ashamed of my father (he is very negative, though to my partner he is much more positive, he leaves his 'real thoughts' to unleash on me - nothing terrible, just moaning, as if the world is out to get him negativity). He can make me feel crap just by spending an hour with him, but as he's my dad I do try and see him every other weekend at least. He struggles socially, he can talk to my partner about the specifications of a 1960's motorbike engine, which he has no idea most people don't understand, yet talk about anything like what we or he have been doing, and it's a 30 second conversation that gets cut short when he finds another tangent to move on to...

What's also become clear to me is that my Grandfather, that my father looked up to, and all the people around him as friends and at work adored him, that he wasn't bothered by me at all. Whenever Gran & Grandad were looking after me, he would go out most of the time, and I believe he had a drinking problem, not abusive, but every single day regular drinking. His lack of care for me bothers me deep down to.

Sometimes it feels as if I've never been loved, despite having the most caring gentle and lovely partners I can imagine. I have found it strange that my friends and my partner have such a close bond with their mother/father or both - as I have never had this, if anything I've just wanted to be away from my father.

It plagues me today that despite things I have achieved, yet they never seem enough. I'm very very hard to impress, which in business it seems to be good, but personally it must be frustrating for those around me.

Would like some input on any thoughts, as it's not stopping me from functioning, but there's some deep seated issues I clearly have, and have not yet been able to deal with on my own.

Thanks.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
Welcome to the forum.
I really think that you might benefit form counselling or therapy.
It seems you've got a lot of really deep stuff affecting you, and to have a professional to explore that with will probably produce better results than any kind of medication.
Have you tried any self-help books? Something CBT based, so that you can get to the root of your beliefs/thoughts and try to act to change them?
 
S

secretsurvivor1

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 27, 2013
Messages
306
Location
SW UK
All children, of practically any species, require unconditional love to survive. We are born quite helpless, and have inbuilt traits to make us endearing to our parents (relatively large eyes, a helpless and insistent cry).

If we survive but are refused fully unconditional love (whether by the death of a parent, the emotional or physical absence of another, and no replacement by another suitable adult, such as grandparents) we are developmentally damaged. It is quite common to respond to this by endlessly trying to prove yourself (eg seeking fame or fortune or trying to get to the top of your profession). It is because of a secret hidden part of us that feels that if we weren't loved unconditionally we are in some way unworthy or unlovable.

This is a horrendous feeling. We can try to run from it (drink, drugs, hopeless relationships) or we can try to ignore it (keep busy, no time to dwell). But CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) was devised on the principle that the issue we are trying to ignore or bury will always be there until it is looked at square in the face (difficult). They say you cannot ignore the huge elephant in the room. You can try to deny it (eg nothing too bad happened to me
) but if you don't face up to it, it can actually give you a nervous breakdown (I know, it happened to me).

One of the most damaging things is trying to keep a secret that hurts you. But feeling angry and unhappy about how your family are is really difficult because of guilt for how they have also helped you and loved you in their own way. That guilt is what makes it so hard to open up about.

You can't keep it in forever, unless you are prepared to have a total breakdown. This is just my view from my experience; I am not a doctor or medical professional.
 
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