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Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

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Hopeful23

Member
Joined
Sep 29, 2019
Messages
24
Location
Mississippi
I know it's a bummer but it will happen eventually. It don't have to b in ur 20s. I was prepared to let it b in my 30s if it didn't happen. There is nothing wrong with saying u lost it at 30 that's still young. It's just a 3 instead of a 2. I wouldn't worry about a technicality. Have u tried singles bars or library's or friends of friends. Theres always somebody if u look.
 
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Hopeful23

Member
Joined
Sep 29, 2019
Messages
24
Location
Mississippi
And the whole being a virgin is kinda just amplified by us anyway. Because when I hear of somebody being an older virgin, I don't think anything of it. It's not really a big deal. Just like with u I said to myself so he's a virgin so wut. But it's a problem to us is all. It don't even cross my mind now that I waited so late I'm glad I did really it's not even an issue anymore and one day u will b laughing about it to urself I promise
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

Active member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
35
Location
San Francisco, USA
I am a bit obsessed about the number, since I was 25 I was getting depressed about my situation and said hopefully at 26 it will happen, then at 26 I said hopefully at 27 it happens, at 27 I said hopefully at 28, then I turned 29 and thought, I have only one year before I turn into another decade, hopefully at 29 and no later. But now here I am at 29 and 11 months.

I have been trying to attend meetups since I was 26 with the aim of just meeting people and naturally meeting a woman who were similar to me. It never happened. Most of the women whom I have met are completely different from me, and they do not "get" me. It does not help that I have Asperger's and thus act awkward. Most meetups I attend are in bars, and still, nothing.

I am not sure where you are located, but here where I live in San Francisco, the dating scene is already very difficult in addition to having a heavily skewed male-to-female gender ratio compared to other places. My situation plus those factors just made it really hard for me.
 
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Hopeful23

Member
Joined
Sep 29, 2019
Messages
24
Location
Mississippi
I know what u mean. I used to go to Walmart to try and find a woman just hoping someone would ask me out or something. I asked a girl for her number once. She gave it to me and I lost it lol. Tried to dial it from memory several times. No luck. Maybe search forums or groups for other singles that r kinda anxious to lose their virginity. I mean I'm sure there is a girl out there right now thinking just like u. U just need to find her. I used to have a joke about it when I was in my 20s. I would say it shouldn't b called losing ur virginity at this point. It should b called getting rid of it lol. But if I were u I would try and b a little more aggressive about meeting Ppl but not to desperate u know. Just focus on that and talk to girls more often
 
Pinkcandy777

Pinkcandy777

Member
Joined
Jul 28, 2018
Messages
15
Location
East Devon
Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old male from San Francisco, California, USA who has never been able to have a girlfriend and am still a virgin despite not wanting to be. I turn 30 in October. Since today is the first day of September, I am naturally quite concerned that I will be turning 30 next month being in this state.

I have always been a shy, introverted, anxious and awkward person. Perhaps I spent too much time studying, focussing my entire life up until my mid-20s on studying. I studied two degrees in university, mathematics and pre-med molecular biology, thus having twice the courseload of a regular student. I neglected my entire social life, and had no dating life to speak of. I spent basically the whole day trying to stay afloat with my studies. My only other serious hobbies were and are introverted activities, such as competitive chess and foreign languages.

When I was around 25 I felt very lonely and sad that I still had never had a girlfriend and was still a virgin. I felt pain knowing that to be a virgin this old as a male is very taboo and looked down upon. I joined meetup groups, met some interesting people, and went on a few dates, but it seemed that women just did not like me.

So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age.

But what really pains me is seeing and hearing comments from women that someone in my situation must be very weird to have always been single and a virgin. Especially since I am not religious, so I am not practising abstinence at all. I just simply ended up this way.

I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni in Britain. But my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable, unattractive and a weird freak due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.
Virginity is a precious gift. Until marriage
 
alohomora

alohomora

Active member
Joined
Mar 22, 2018
Messages
37
Location
Lexington, Kentucky
Hello there!
I will be 23 next week and have never been in a serious relationship either. I have dated but never felt secure enough to have an intimate relationship with the person. The only advice I can give you is to work on this from within : the signal you send people around you comes from inside of you. You will not find a girlfriend or make love to anyone if you feel like you're not worth it. You can't expect it to come at you, you have to go get it. Work on your self esteem and social life first. One step at a time... !
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

Active member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
35
Location
San Francisco, USA
I have but a little more than two weeks before I turn 30. After that one time over a month ago when I went to a restaurant with that woman who started talking about birth control, I have had no more dates so far. My obsession with numerical significance and statistics tells me that that it is more than extremely likely that I turn 30 still being single/virgin.

There is very little online dating coach advice specifically for guys on the spectrum. What I am doing instead if just seeing what some of the advice for NT guys is (and of course the advice from here), and pick what makes sense to me and ignore the rest. For example, following the advice about being less serious, but ignoring the advice about quickly escalating touching. If she loses attraction because I do not engage in touching, then so be it. We would not be compatible if that is the case.

I think that after reflecting for weeks on this, looking back, I have probably hated myself for too long. Dealing with social anxiety, generalised anxiety, OCD, sinking in and out of depression depending on life situations, plus the Asperger's have made most of my life, especially my 20s, a psychological torture. But now I realise that I have been to hard on myself. Anything good that I accomplish, I compare with someone else and say well they did even better than I do.


I fail to consider the positives in myself, always focussing on the negatives. Probably due to listening too much to the insults/criticism over the years, especially of the "haha virgin loser" sort of comments. After deep introspection, I truly believe that I have a lot to offer. Maybe I am not the worthless, disgusting person that I always have considered myself to be for decades. Sometimes I feel sad that it seems like here where I am the women whom I meet do not see my positives, or I am just incompatible with so many here. But it is what it is, and I cannot change the past.

I try to look forward to beginning the 30s on a good note. All of the torture of my 20s I think I did not deserve it, but it is what it is. I can only try to change the future.
 
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