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Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
50
Location
San Francisco, USA
It is not really about waiting for the right woman--I do not have some idealistic situation where things have to be near perfect, but over the years I could not even have something casual. Whether serious or casual, nothing happened for me.

Sometimes I have heard "it is not a big deal," but just as often and probably more frequently, I hear negative comments. Male acquaintances or friends ask or hint if I am just weird or have a problem, and in some cases women have told me that I am just plain weird. As if I were someone with three legs or two noses or something.

Part of it is how it affects me personally within my own impression of myself. But the other part is how others perceive me. I feel certain undertones from comments that there are quite a large amount of women who find me undateable because I am a virgin and single this long.

I think that I would not feel as self-conscious if it were solely I who thought that I was weird, but if I hear evidence that women really find me weird as hell for my situation, I fear that although 30 is relatively young, as I get older, more and more women will find me undateable and would not even want to interact with me.

It may be a case of location; here where I live in San Francisco, this is what both male acquaintances and women have said about my situation. Very little of their comments has been positive, and most negative. It could be that if I moved to another country, women would care less. But I would need to live there long enough to find out.
 
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CaptainFlint

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Sep 1, 2019
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96
Location
West Coast U.S.
Hmm I see I see. I'm actually from the SF Bay myself. Very close by. And I will say, the culture promotes a certain amount of necessity to have had sex. Maybe stigmatizing if you haven't

But even though it's hard, obsessing about it will only put you further away from someone wanting to be with you. What a cruel world, am I right? The rich get richer, the poor get poorer. It's a vicious cycle

I have two things to say:
One:
DO NOT tell women you're a virgin. Unless you're very very close to them. Because what's the point? It isn't essential information. Just be who you are and don't bring that up

And Two:
Just be your best self, and don't be fearful of the prospect of not getting laid, but rather be optomistic about the potential to get laid

I believe in you brother, stay strong
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
50
Location
San Francisco, USA
This city has always seemed to me to have a very strange culture where if you do not fit in, you are the point of ridicule. I clearly do not fit in and I often feel like an outcast in many ways.

True, I try to avoid publicising it now. I go to weekly meetups, and will go to one this Sunday evening. I am still working on trying not to look shifty, awkward and nervous. But I naturally give off this vibe.

I am planning to move to Europe, hopefully next year. So I hope that women are less judgemental over there. For now, I make do with meetups.

I have dating apps, but I set my OKCupid to random locations, to see how it is over there. For example, in the past month I set it to Singapore, Australia, Norway, Germany and other countries. I got more likes in that month than the whole three or so years I had it set to SF.
 
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CaptainFlint

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Sep 1, 2019
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96
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West Coast U.S.
That's awesome man. Keep trying your luck and you'll find it

But also keep in mind, SF is a huge city with all kinds of people. I promise you there are people out there whod be compatible with you. Just gotta find social groups with people who have similar interests

Whatever you presume about the culture is only a subset of whats out there.

I understand the feeling of feeling inadequate at times. I often felt that way too, but here's the secret; meet someone in a field you're confident in, and you'll be seen as an attractive man and a leader.

Even though I stopped playing a long time ago, I was on varsity table tennis and tennis in college a few years ago. Even though I had my own share of quirks and neuroses, when I was on the court, my confidence came into the light there. And that's how I met my gf

Find your element and you'll shine
 
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Rea

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
17
Location
The Netherlands
I am glad that non-judgemental women like you exist. Unfortunately where I live, I very rarely encounter someone who thinks like you.

I know Italian to almost C1 level, and when I was in Italy on holiday, based on talking to some women there, they were friendlier than here back home. I do. I do not know much about the dating scene there, or if I would be considered weird. Maybe anywhere I go people find me weird. I would hope that at least I meet more people like you.

I am extremely awkward in dancing. Everyone stares at me because I have problems dancing and doing things in front of other people. Last time I danced was during the annual dance of last year of high school, when I was 17. I froze up and just stood like a rock feeling scared whilst in the dance hall. My dance date just looked at me and she even asked, "What is wrong with you?" because I have big anxiety dancing.

That might be a problem related to Asperger's, but dancing is something that makes me look really weird. I do try to mingle in meetups though. Unfortunately there are very few good ones here.
To be honest, I was thinking that my mindset could not depend entirely only from the fact that I am Italian.
Indeed, I know other Italian girls that have my same opinion but I also know girls that would never date someone with no experience at all.

And, if you end up realizing that you really like Italian women, I think that America is full of first-generation Italian immigrants!

By the way, I would also suggest you to maybe not say to a girl immediately (during the first date), that you are a virgin. It's not that you have to be ashamed of it or you have to hide it, but maybe is better to show other things of your personality first and then you will share such intimate detail of yourself when you will feel more confident.

I currently suffer from anxiety and depression but I never open up about my diagnosis if I date a guy for the first time. I prefer to first spend a little bit of time with him and see first if there is a feeling. Then, only when I feel more comfortable, I start to share my current condition.
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
50
Location
San Francisco, USA
Where I live there are not many Italians. But anyway I am planning very seriously to move to Europe when I can, maybe next year. Italy is on top of the list so far. Maybe things will be different, I hope.

Like CaptainMitch said in the above post, he lives cloes to my city and says that people are more judgemental on sex/relationships compared to other places. You are right that there is a certain percentage of woman in Italy that would not want to go out with me. That is fine, there are many others. Just that here it seems like there are many more women who would not want to be with someone inexperienced.

I have so many other things to be proud of, but a lot of times I am asked, "So what about your past relationships?". I have to dodge the question or answer it straightforwardly. Maybe I reveal too much when asked this. It seems to be part of my awkwardness.
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
50
Location
San Francisco, USA
Sorry I meant CaptainFlint. Not sure how I messed up the name. My brain is not working right now.
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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Sep 5, 2019
Messages
346
Location
On The Train
I am actually from SF originally and it's an odd place indeed. I don't feel the people in SF represent Americans all that well. I would not go to another country just yet to find a mate. That's a big journey to find that people are sort of the same every where

In a more laid back US city, you could go on a Meetup with a group of like minded people to do an activity with, like hiking or biking or video games or something. There may be a woman in that group who is having a hard time meeting someone with her interests too. You could hit it off.

Or you could go to a nicer dance club. I went to a Texas style dance club and it was just a fun time with friendly fun loving single people. Even taking a cheap cooking class or something at a community college, you could meet someone! There are plenty of places to try. I wish you the best .
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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On The Train
Oh I would also like to add, I knew a woman who was 30 and a virgin. She spent her 20s getting her PhD and working all the time. She did not have time to date. She ended up getting married to a lovely man in the end. There may be more people in a similar situation than you think!
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Sep 4, 2019
Messages
50
Location
San Francisco, USA
I am a SF native, born and bred in the city. Yet after all my years here, I simply do not "get" the culture here. I keep hearing about how people do not even meet face-to-face, but rather meet on dating apps. And that men who are not 100% White are basically not considered dating material. That women usually judge men based on their income, their height, their cars and all sorts of superficial things.

Yet having Asperger's/autism and being an older virgin are unacceptable, despite most people here working in tech, and most tech people are men with Asperger's/autism and are more likely to be in similar situations to mine.

I just do not understand how or why people think the way they do here.

I was planning to leave the country and move to Europe anyway, not just to find a girlfriend. But in the meantime I try to make do with dating apps and finding better meetups. It is very hard to find suitable meetups. Most meetups that I attend are over 80% male, i.e. sausagefest events. A foreign language meetup that I attended last year was held in a bar. Despite that, the participants were over 90% male. Sometimes 100% male during some meetups. It seems like more meetup attendees are single males like me. This environment is simply very strange to me.
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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San Francisco, USA
I have heard about a few people who are high in academics in such situations. But then I know some people who study all the time and find time for relationships, and some even made fun of me. But it would be good to meet women who have spent all their time studying and thus had no time for romance.

Sometimes I wonder if I studied too much to the detriment of my social and dating life. If I could have set aside a little bit of time for that whilst studying. But I have spent too much time thinking about the past and need to move on.
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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It's easy to look back on your past decisions and say you should have done this then this other thing would have happened. The important thing is that you are in the present time and only moving forward.

Studying was/is important to you. The trick is to find a woman who also studies! I am sure there are women in tech somewhere. It's not a friendly field towards women though.
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Sep 4, 2019
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San Francisco, USA
I have been going to meetups and meeting people here in the city. Not only is the gender ratio at meetups at minimum 70% male/30% female, but I notice that I really do not seem to relate to people here. There is something about this city where I do not seem to fit in. Well over half of the people whom I meet here seem to judge me negatively in some way or another that never happened when I lived in the UK.

The only thing that I can do is probably move. In a week I am going to holiday to Europe, so maybe I can get perspective.

I have 20-something days left until my 30th birthday, so it is extremely likely that I still be single. Maybe I just obsess to much about numbers and entering a new decade. There is a certain sadness that I feel that because of the lack of opportunities to meet like-minded people and thus women who could be potential dates, even if I can try different solutions to this problem, the majority of the women whom I meet do not "get" me because I am not an extroverted, outgoing person who makes six figures and goes hiking in the woods and clubbing every weekend.

As an experiment I set my OKCupid profile to different locations, such as different cities in countries all over the world, as well as random cities in this country such as Minneapolis (Minnesota), New York City and Burlington (Vermont). It is very telling that I get a steady amount of likes in every other city except San Francisco. Here where I live I get 0 likes.

I regret greatly that when I was studying in the UK, I was so focussed on studying that I did not give dating a try there. I think that I would not have had this problem if I tried dating in Britain. But it is what it is, I accept that I will probably enter age 30 in this situation. As hard as it is, I am trying to think positively and make my 30th birthday a turning point where I turn my life around for the better, especially concering this single/virginity situation.
 
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Hopeful23

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Sep 29, 2019
Messages
24
Location
Mississippi
Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old male from San Francisco, California, USA who has never been able to have a girlfriend and am still a virgin despite not wanting to be. I turn 30 in October. Since today is the first day of September, I am naturally quite concerned that I will be turning 30 next month being in this state.

I have always been a shy, introverted, anxious and awkward person. Perhaps I spent too much time studying, focussing my entire life up until my mid-20s on studying. I studied two degrees in university, mathematics and pre-med molecular biology, thus having twice the courseload of a regular student. I neglected my entire social life, and had no dating life to speak of. I spent basically the whole day trying to stay afloat with my studies. My only other serious hobbies were and are introverted activities, such as competitive chess and foreign languages.

When I was around 25 I felt very lonely and sad that I still had never had a girlfriend and was still a virgin. I felt pain knowing that to be a virgin this old as a male is very taboo and looked down upon. I joined meetup groups, met some interesting people, and went on a few dates, but it seemed that women just did not like me.

So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age.

But what really pains me is seeing and hearing comments from women that someone in my situation must be very weird to have always been single and a virgin. Especially since I am not religious, so I am not practising abstinence at all. I just simply ended up this way.

I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni in Britain. But my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable, unattractive and a weird freak due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.
Hi. U and me had almost thr exact situation. I am 38 now. I was 29 when I lost my virginity. I'm still married to her today lol. Love her to death. I was also concerned bout losing my virginity before 30 just to b able.to tell myself o was in my 20s when I did. The difference in me and u though is I had several opportunities to lose it years earlier but was just scared for some reason. And my wife(girlfriend at the time) begged me have sex but I was just too scared, kept making up excuses. I finally did it one night when I was 29 to lose it before I was 30. It was totally worth the wait. I finally told.her later on that that was my first time and she thought that was the sweetest thing. And no I didnt marry her just because she was my first. We had known within a week of meeting that we were gonna get married. It's just something u know. We had been together almost a month before we had sex lol. I will always wonder wut it's like to have sex with another woman. If it feels different or not but I'm totally OK with it. I love her to death still and would never even think about cheating on her. We have a 4 year old together. We've been together 10 years now, married for 5 of them. And every time we do it it feels like the first time. Sorry I just want u to know that it will happen one day if u want it to just b patient. I had prayed for a gf beforr I met her and it was answered. I had never even had a gf before her. Best decision of my life. Wouldn't want anyone else
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
50
Location
San Francisco, USA
Well I have only 20-something days before I turn 30, and am still single, so I have no girlfriend like you did. I am almost certain that I will not be able to say that I lost my virginity in my 20s because mathematically that is extremely unlikely.

I feel like in general, turning 30 and being a virgin means that I am further into "loser territory". But there really is nothing that I can do about it, I mean I am single with no girlfriend so I cannot really lose my virginity with anyone. It is just the situation in which I find myself. And strangely the people who criticise me for being a virgin this late do not even help me at all to set me up with dates.
 
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