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Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Joined
May 29, 2019
Messages
1,465
Location
London
Considered a escort ? seriously if its that much of a big deal just get it out of the way
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

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Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
50
Location
San Francisco, USA
It is not without reason that I do not consider certain people friends anymore.

Regarding family, it is usually aunts, uncles, cousins and other extended family that make fun of me. There is "talk" amongst extended family that I am asexual or severely mentally ill because they say that they "never saw any of my girlfriends," nor am I married. Many of my extended family are from very patriarchal, socially backwards third-world countries where a man with no girlfriend past age 15 is seen as a lesser being, and a single 30 year old male is seen as not a real man.

This year I decided to stop all contact with them, and do not want to ever meet them again like during family get-togethers at Christmas. I only interact with direct family such as my parents. But my parents say that they receive many comments from other family asking if I have mental issues or are asexual.

I am on Bumble, OKCupid and some others since 2015, yet I still have not been able to meet women in person from any app. The city in which I live is known to be particularly hard for men to get dates with women via dating apps. But still, after several years of using apps it does not seem to work. Maybe I use them too sparingly. A few times here and there each week.
 
hicks

hicks

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Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
1,293
Location
A galaxy, far far away..
It is not without reason that I do not consider certain people friends anymore.

Regarding family, it is usually aunts, uncles, cousins and other extended family that make fun of me. There is "talk" amongst extended family that I am asexual or severely mentally ill because they say that they "never saw any of my girlfriends," nor am I married. Many of my extended family are from very patriarchal, socially backwards third-world countries where a man with no girlfriend past age 15 is seen as a lesser being, and a single 30 year old male is seen as not a real man.

This year I decided to stop all contact with them, and do not want to ever meet them again like during family get-togethers at Christmas. I only interact with direct family such as my parents. But my parents say that they receive many comments from other family asking if I have mental issues or are asexual.

I am on Bumble, OKCupid and some others since 2015, yet I still have not been able to meet women in person from any app. The city in which I live is known to be particularly hard for men to get dates with women via dating apps. But still, after several years of using apps it does not seem to work. Maybe I use them too sparingly. A few times here and there each week.
That is extremely sad about your family's attitude, in many ways. It shows complete lack of understanding or empathy to your situation. I don't blame you for detaching yourself from them. I'd do the same. :(

I think it's worth persisting with the app/website approach. I myself found it very difficult to meet up with girls. I didn't like doing the 'normal' dating activities like going to clubs and drinking. And my chosen occupation is 99% men, so meeting women at work was virtually impossible.
In the end I met up with my wife in an artificial way, through a newspaper dating column. Yup, very old skool, but technology wasn't an option in those days. It worked though, because I met someone who was quite similar to me, and we just clicked.
I really hope you can find someone you can be happy with. Don't give up hope. Even looking outside your immediate area might be an option?
 
B

BatDuck

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Joined
Aug 3, 2019
Messages
213
Location
Kent, UK.
Hi Lundi,
I know it's not easy to do, but try not to dwell on it and concentrate on the good things in your life. It will come when the time is right.

I have a friend I have known since school, who like you, was a single virgin but in his case until he was in his late 30's. He's a very shy guy who just didn't really know how to "be" around women who he didn't know by other means, I guess he had trouble expressing himself. He was also seen as "a bit weird" by a lot of people because he's a bus spotter (spots, photographs and catalogues buses he has seen). He didn't really have a social life either, apart from a few bits he does with people he works with. He was eventually introduced to someone via a bus group/club he had joined a couple of years ago. He now at 39, has partner and a son.

Are you part of any groups, in real life or online, with people who have common interests?
 
R

Rea

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
17
Location
The Netherlands
Hi Lundi, I am a girl and I have to say that the fact that a 30yo guy is virgin and never had a relationship would not stop me from starting a relationship with him if I like him and I find him interesting.

I met my ex-boyfriend when he was almost 30, he never had a serious relationship and he had maybe just 1 sex experience (our first time was a disaster). But he seemed kind and nice, so I did not care at all about his lack of experience.

The only thing that could worry me is the fact that if a guy that had sex only with me, he may want to try at some point also sex with other women for understanding if is different!

It could be that I think like this because I am Italian and I may have a different education/background from the place where are you from, but to be honest, everyone is different and not all the girls are looking for the same things... For example, I like when guys are a little bit shy, while other friends of mine have a different opinion.

I had sex with just one person (my ex-boyfriend) and I am 28. When I tell this to people, some of them look at me shocked suggesting me to go to a club and find someone for one-night experience...

I find this kind of comments a little bit offensive, but some people have no clue about all the stupid things that they can say with their mouth, so I learned how to live with it.

As other people already told you I would suggest you join some social activities that you like. For example, would you like to learn how to dance salsa? Music can be something really good for people suffering from anxiety and depression. I am following a salsa class right now and is really funny and it gives you the opportunity to have contact with people and also making friends.
 
TaurusLady

TaurusLady

Active member
Joined
Aug 2, 2019
Messages
44
Location
Birmingham
I find you very admirable that you have come on here with this post.

I'm going to say that you need to remember that what you have achieved in life has been brilliant, as there are many folk out that that have not achieved the educational that you have, and who still do not know what they want to do in life.

Everybody is different, so having the independence to not follow social taboo is always a good time.. Some may like the company of having a partner and all the pleasures and benefits of being in a full relationship, some may not!

If I were you, I would just let issues naturally fall into place. Remember that social apps are not a be all and end all, and that physical meetings may feel more beneficial for you.

Also remember there is a difference between loneliness and being alone, and that being alone with the fantastic company which is you is always good!

Big hugs xx
 
B

barmcake

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 6, 2016
Messages
132
TaurusLady is right.
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
50
Location
San Francisco, USA
That is extremely sad about your family's attitude, in many ways. It shows complete lack of understanding or empathy to your situation. I don't blame you for detaching yourself from them. I'd do the same. :(

I think it's worth persisting with the app/website approach. I myself found it very difficult to meet up with girls. I didn't like doing the 'normal' dating activities like going to clubs and drinking. And my chosen occupation is 99% men, so meeting women at work was virtually impossible.
In the end I met up with my wife in an artificial way, through a newspaper dating column. Yup, very old skool, but technology wasn't an option in those days. It worked though, because I met someone who was quite similar to me, and we just clicked.
I really hope you can find someone you can be happy with. Don't give up hope. Even looking outside your immediate area might be an option?
My family are very judgemental. Because my mother had some autism problems as a child (and up to present day), many people in the extended family called her a mute/retarded. When she did not have children yet at age 20 or 25, family members asked why not. Now the "weirdness" has shifted to me. They tell my mother comments like "He must have problems, you think? Where is his girlfriend?"

I could try more with the apps. I am however trying to move to Europe, away from my hometown because here (San Francisco, USA) is known as one of, if not the most difficult, city in the Western world for men to date women due to various factors. An internet search gives a lot of articles about men who really struggle dating here. And these are men with no mental issues and are not virgins. I can imagine how hard it is for men with mental problems to date her.
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
50
Location
San Francisco, USA
Hi Lundi,
I know it's not easy to do, but try not to dwell on it and concentrate on the good things in your life. It will come when the time is right.

I have a friend I have known since school, who like you, was a single virgin but in his case until he was in his late 30's. He's a very shy guy who just didn't really know how to "be" around women who he didn't know by other means, I guess he had trouble expressing himself. He was also seen as "a bit weird" by a lot of people because he's a bus spotter (spots, photographs and catalogues buses he has seen). He didn't really have a social life either, apart from a few bits he does with people he works with. He was eventually introduced to someone via a bus group/club he had joined a couple of years ago. He now at 39, has partner and a son.

Are you part of any groups, in real life or online, with people who have common interests?
I try to not dwell too much on this, because it is depressing to think about. When I was 25 I got very self-conscious about being a virgin and it depressed me so much I ended up losing a third of my body weight, going from 80 kg to 55 kg.

I am a chess player, so I had some contact both in person and online. But nowadays they are too busy--mostly because they are married and have a family. Unlike me.I attend meetups, and generally here people are quite judgemental. The people here actually remind me of my extended family members, as in they judge very quickly.
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
50
Location
San Francisco, USA
Hi Lundi, I am a girl and I have to say that the fact that a 30yo guy is virgin and never had a relationship would not stop me from starting a relationship with him if I like him and I find him interesting.

I met my ex-boyfriend when he was almost 30, he never had a serious relationship and he had maybe just 1 sex experience (our first time was a disaster). But he seemed kind and nice, so I did not care at all about his lack of experience.

The only thing that could worry me is the fact that if a guy that had sex only with me, he may want to try at some point also sex with other women for understanding if is different!

It could be that I think like this because I am Italian and I may have a different education/background from the place where are you from, but to be honest, everyone is different and not all the girls are looking for the same things... For example, I like when guys are a little bit shy, while other friends of mine have a different opinion.

I had sex with just one person (my ex-boyfriend) and I am 28. When I tell this to people, some of them look at me shocked suggesting me to go to a club and find someone for one-night experience...

I find this kind of comments a little bit offensive, but some people have no clue about all the stupid things that they can say with their mouth, so I learned how to live with it.

As other people already told you I would suggest you join some social activities that you like. For example, would you like to learn how to dance salsa? Music can be something really good for people suffering from anxiety and depression. I am following a salsa class right now and is really funny and it gives you the opportunity to have contact with people and also making friends.
I am glad that non-judgemental women like you exist. Unfortunately where I live, I very rarely encounter someone who thinks like you.

I know Italian to almost C1 level, and when I was in Italy on holiday, based on talking to some women there, they were friendlier than here back home. I do. I do not know much about the dating scene there, or if I would be considered weird. Maybe anywhere I go people find me weird. I would hope that at least I meet more people like you.

I am extremely awkward in dancing. Everyone stares at me because I have problems dancing and doing things in front of other people. Last time I danced was during the annual dance of last year of high school, when I was 17. I froze up and just stood like a rock feeling scared whilst in the dance hall. My dance date just looked at me and she even asked, "What is wrong with you?" because I have big anxiety dancing.

That might be a problem related to Asperger's, but dancing is something that makes me look really weird. I do try to mingle in meetups though. Unfortunately there are very few good ones here.
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
50
Location
San Francisco, USA
I find you very admirable that you have come on here with this post.

I'm going to say that you need to remember that what you have achieved in life has been brilliant, as there are many folk out that that have not achieved the educational that you have, and who still do not know what they want to do in life.

Everybody is different, so having the independence to not follow social taboo is always a good time.. Some may like the company of having a partner and all the pleasures and benefits of being in a full relationship, some may not!

If I were you, I would just let issues naturally fall into place. Remember that social apps are not a be all and end all, and that physical meetings may feel more beneficial for you.

Also remember there is a difference between loneliness and being alone, and that being alone with the fantastic company which is you is always good!

Big hugs xx
Thanks, I felt great embarrassment and shame when I was writing my first post here though. If I told someone this face-to-face it would most likely generate wide laughter, followed by subsequent ridicule.

I try to let things flow naturally. It just frustrates me though, seeing that my whole life has been trying to let it happen naturally but it never does.

It may be the people whom I meet just are not thinking the same as I do. I find it quite hard to relate to people here.
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
50
Location
San Francisco, USA
There is something that I noticed. The few 25+ year old male virgins and males who never had a girlfriend whom I know--they are all either of Oriental descent (Filipino, Chinese, Vietnamese, Lao, Japanese, Korean, etc.), or of Indian subcontinental heritage (Indian, Pakistani, etc.)

I am not 100% White--I am Chinese and Spanish, and I look like a Latin American/Hispanic mestizo. I have noticed that in San Francisco, these men have told me that dating is very hard for them because the women here usually want White men. I checked this on the internet and found an alarming amount of pages of men saying the same thing.

This is not to be used as an excuse to why I fail with women. Certainly my anxiety and awkwardness is not helping at all. But, I do wonder if because I look foreign instead of a typical Anglo-looking American, it puts women off. I went out with one blonde woman two weeks ago, and she told me, "You look like a Mexican." Maybe here in San Francisco, people take race very seriously.

I wonder a lot how I would do in the dating scene in Europe.
 
TaurusLady

TaurusLady

Active member
Joined
Aug 2, 2019
Messages
44
Location
Birmingham
Lundin, your at the age where something in you knows what you are looking to do in life..

As a 30 year old man, it sounds like that you are young, free and ambitious with lots of set goal..

Love/sex/relationships will happen and come naturally eventually..With the right timing and in the right place...

Never let anyone push you into anything that you do not want to do or say things that you do not want to say.. Otherwise spend your time with individuals who deserve it more!

xx
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
50
Location
San Francisco, USA
Age is relative I suppose. 30 is young technically, but that is quite old in terms of relationships and sex.
 
C

CaptainFlint

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Joined
Sep 1, 2019
Messages
96
Location
West Coast U.S.
I'll play devil's advocate for a second here.

Let me start by saying it's never too late, I promise you. Love has no age limit, and it's respectable to want to wait for the right person instead of just getting it over with

HOWEVER. In the interest of empathizing with you. I'd say everyone who has had sex will typically tell a virgin "it's no big deal, don't worry". Which I agree it isn't, once you've had it.

But if you haven't had it yet, it IS a big deal to oneself personally, and I just wanna let you know I know how you feel.

I had a couple mediocre experiences a little early on, but I only actually made love with a girlfriend for the first time in my mid 20s. So, only within the last year really. At which point I finally got what everyone was talking about, it became less of a big deal once we did it regularly.

But before, it never helped me to hear people tell me "hey it's not a big deal", because to me, it was a big deal. So it just ended up frustrating me more at times, that everyone was so casual and downplaying something I felt was such an important thing I was missing out on. So I just want to let you know I get what youre probably feeling.

And even though it might not seem like it, you have a lot of years ahead of you. Wish you all the best my friend
 
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