Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

TaurusLady

TaurusLady

Active member
Joined
Aug 2, 2019
Messages
36
Location
Birmingham
I find you very admirable that you have come on here with this post.

I'm going to say that you need to remember that what you have achieved in life has been brilliant, as there are many folk out that that have not achieved the educational that you have, and who still do not know what they want to do in life.

Everybody is different, so having the independence to not follow social taboo is always a good time.. Some may like the company of having a partner and all the pleasures and benefits of being in a full relationship, some may not!

If I were you, I would just let issues naturally fall into place. Remember that social apps are not a be all and end all, and that physical meetings may feel more beneficial for you.

Also remember there is a difference between loneliness and being alone, and that being alone with the fantastic company which is you is always good!

Big hugs xx
 
B

barmcake

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 6, 2016
Messages
120
TaurusLady is right.
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
17
Location
San Francisco, USA
That is extremely sad about your family's attitude, in many ways. It shows complete lack of understanding or empathy to your situation. I don't blame you for detaching yourself from them. I'd do the same. :(

I think it's worth persisting with the app/website approach. I myself found it very difficult to meet up with girls. I didn't like doing the 'normal' dating activities like going to clubs and drinking. And my chosen occupation is 99% men, so meeting women at work was virtually impossible.
In the end I met up with my wife in an artificial way, through a newspaper dating column. Yup, very old skool, but technology wasn't an option in those days. It worked though, because I met someone who was quite similar to me, and we just clicked.
I really hope you can find someone you can be happy with. Don't give up hope. Even looking outside your immediate area might be an option?
My family are very judgemental. Because my mother had some autism problems as a child (and up to present day), many people in the extended family called her a mute/retarded. When she did not have children yet at age 20 or 25, family members asked why not. Now the "weirdness" has shifted to me. They tell my mother comments like "He must have problems, you think? Where is his girlfriend?"

I could try more with the apps. I am however trying to move to Europe, away from my hometown because here (San Francisco, USA) is known as one of, if not the most difficult, city in the Western world for men to date women due to various factors. An internet search gives a lot of articles about men who really struggle dating here. And these are men with no mental issues and are not virgins. I can imagine how hard it is for men with mental problems to date her.
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
17
Location
San Francisco, USA
Hi Lundi,
I know it's not easy to do, but try not to dwell on it and concentrate on the good things in your life. It will come when the time is right.

I have a friend I have known since school, who like you, was a single virgin but in his case until he was in his late 30's. He's a very shy guy who just didn't really know how to "be" around women who he didn't know by other means, I guess he had trouble expressing himself. He was also seen as "a bit weird" by a lot of people because he's a bus spotter (spots, photographs and catalogues buses he has seen). He didn't really have a social life either, apart from a few bits he does with people he works with. He was eventually introduced to someone via a bus group/club he had joined a couple of years ago. He now at 39, has partner and a son.

Are you part of any groups, in real life or online, with people who have common interests?
I try to not dwell too much on this, because it is depressing to think about. When I was 25 I got very self-conscious about being a virgin and it depressed me so much I ended up losing a third of my body weight, going from 80 kg to 55 kg.

I am a chess player, so I had some contact both in person and online. But nowadays they are too busy--mostly because they are married and have a family. Unlike me.I attend meetups, and generally here people are quite judgemental. The people here actually remind me of my extended family members, as in they judge very quickly.
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
17
Location
San Francisco, USA
Hi Lundi, I am a girl and I have to say that the fact that a 30yo guy is virgin and never had a relationship would not stop me from starting a relationship with him if I like him and I find him interesting.

I met my ex-boyfriend when he was almost 30, he never had a serious relationship and he had maybe just 1 sex experience (our first time was a disaster). But he seemed kind and nice, so I did not care at all about his lack of experience.

The only thing that could worry me is the fact that if a guy that had sex only with me, he may want to try at some point also sex with other women for understanding if is different!

It could be that I think like this because I am Italian and I may have a different education/background from the place where are you from, but to be honest, everyone is different and not all the girls are looking for the same things... For example, I like when guys are a little bit shy, while other friends of mine have a different opinion.

I had sex with just one person (my ex-boyfriend) and I am 28. When I tell this to people, some of them look at me shocked suggesting me to go to a club and find someone for one-night experience...

I find this kind of comments a little bit offensive, but some people have no clue about all the stupid things that they can say with their mouth, so I learned how to live with it.

As other people already told you I would suggest you join some social activities that you like. For example, would you like to learn how to dance salsa? Music can be something really good for people suffering from anxiety and depression. I am following a salsa class right now and is really funny and it gives you the opportunity to have contact with people and also making friends.
I am glad that non-judgemental women like you exist. Unfortunately where I live, I very rarely encounter someone who thinks like you.

I know Italian to almost C1 level, and when I was in Italy on holiday, based on talking to some women there, they were friendlier than here back home. I do. I do not know much about the dating scene there, or if I would be considered weird. Maybe anywhere I go people find me weird. I would hope that at least I meet more people like you.

I am extremely awkward in dancing. Everyone stares at me because I have problems dancing and doing things in front of other people. Last time I danced was during the annual dance of last year of high school, when I was 17. I froze up and just stood like a rock feeling scared whilst in the dance hall. My dance date just looked at me and she even asked, "What is wrong with you?" because I have big anxiety dancing.

That might be a problem related to Asperger's, but dancing is something that makes me look really weird. I do try to mingle in meetups though. Unfortunately there are very few good ones here.
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
17
Location
San Francisco, USA
I find you very admirable that you have come on here with this post.

I'm going to say that you need to remember that what you have achieved in life has been brilliant, as there are many folk out that that have not achieved the educational that you have, and who still do not know what they want to do in life.

Everybody is different, so having the independence to not follow social taboo is always a good time.. Some may like the company of having a partner and all the pleasures and benefits of being in a full relationship, some may not!

If I were you, I would just let issues naturally fall into place. Remember that social apps are not a be all and end all, and that physical meetings may feel more beneficial for you.

Also remember there is a difference between loneliness and being alone, and that being alone with the fantastic company which is you is always good!

Big hugs xx
Thanks, I felt great embarrassment and shame when I was writing my first post here though. If I told someone this face-to-face it would most likely generate wide laughter, followed by subsequent ridicule.

I try to let things flow naturally. It just frustrates me though, seeing that my whole life has been trying to let it happen naturally but it never does.

It may be the people whom I meet just are not thinking the same as I do. I find it quite hard to relate to people here.
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
17
Location
San Francisco, USA
There is something that I noticed. The few 25+ year old male virgins and males who never had a girlfriend whom I know--they are all either of Oriental descent (Filipino, Chinese, Vietnamese, Lao, Japanese, Korean, etc.), or of Indian subcontinental heritage (Indian, Pakistani, etc.)

I am not 100% White--I am Chinese and Spanish, and I look like a Latin American/Hispanic mestizo. I have noticed that in San Francisco, these men have told me that dating is very hard for them because the women here usually want White men. I checked this on the internet and found an alarming amount of pages of men saying the same thing.

This is not to be used as an excuse to why I fail with women. Certainly my anxiety and awkwardness is not helping at all. But, I do wonder if because I look foreign instead of a typical Anglo-looking American, it puts women off. I went out with one blonde woman two weeks ago, and she told me, "You look like a Mexican." Maybe here in San Francisco, people take race very seriously.

I wonder a lot how I would do in the dating scene in Europe.
 
TaurusLady

TaurusLady

Active member
Joined
Aug 2, 2019
Messages
36
Location
Birmingham
Lundin, your at the age where something in you knows what you are looking to do in life..

As a 30 year old man, it sounds like that you are young, free and ambitious with lots of set goal..

Love/sex/relationships will happen and come naturally eventually..With the right timing and in the right place...

Never let anyone push you into anything that you do not want to do or say things that you do not want to say.. Otherwise spend your time with individuals who deserve it more!

xx
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
17
Location
San Francisco, USA
Age is relative I suppose. 30 is young technically, but that is quite old in terms of relationships and sex.
 
C

CaptainFlint

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 1, 2019
Messages
84
Location
West Coast U.S.
I'll play devil's advocate for a second here.

Let me start by saying it's never too late, I promise you. Love has no age limit, and it's respectable to want to wait for the right person instead of just getting it over with

HOWEVER. In the interest of empathizing with you. I'd say everyone who has had sex will typically tell a virgin "it's no big deal, don't worry". Which I agree it isn't, once you've had it.

But if you haven't had it yet, it IS a big deal to oneself personally, and I just wanna let you know I know how you feel.

I had a couple mediocre experiences a little early on, but I only actually made love with a girlfriend for the first time in my mid 20s. So, only within the last year really. At which point I finally got what everyone was talking about, it became less of a big deal once we did it regularly.

But before, it never helped me to hear people tell me "hey it's not a big deal", because to me, it was a big deal. So it just ended up frustrating me more at times, that everyone was so casual and downplaying something I felt was such an important thing I was missing out on. So I just want to let you know I get what youre probably feeling.

And even though it might not seem like it, you have a lot of years ahead of you. Wish you all the best my friend
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
17
Location
San Francisco, USA
It is not really about waiting for the right woman--I do not have some idealistic situation where things have to be near perfect, but over the years I could not even have something casual. Whether serious or casual, nothing happened for me.

Sometimes I have heard "it is not a big deal," but just as often and probably more frequently, I hear negative comments. Male acquaintances or friends ask or hint if I am just weird or have a problem, and in some cases women have told me that I am just plain weird. As if I were someone with three legs or two noses or something.

Part of it is how it affects me personally within my own impression of myself. But the other part is how others perceive me. I feel certain undertones from comments that there are quite a large amount of women who find me undateable because I am a virgin and single this long.

I think that I would not feel as self-conscious if it were solely I who thought that I was weird, but if I hear evidence that women really find me weird as hell for my situation, I fear that although 30 is relatively young, as I get older, more and more women will find me undateable and would not even want to interact with me.

It may be a case of location; here where I live in San Francisco, this is what both male acquaintances and women have said about my situation. Very little of their comments has been positive, and most negative. It could be that if I moved to another country, women would care less. But I would need to live there long enough to find out.
 
C

CaptainFlint

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 1, 2019
Messages
84
Location
West Coast U.S.
Hmm I see I see. I'm actually from the SF Bay myself. Very close by. And I will say, the culture promotes a certain amount of necessity to have had sex. Maybe stigmatizing if you haven't

But even though it's hard, obsessing about it will only put you further away from someone wanting to be with you. What a cruel world, am I right? The rich get richer, the poor get poorer. It's a vicious cycle

I have two things to say:
One:
DO NOT tell women you're a virgin. Unless you're very very close to them. Because what's the point? It isn't essential information. Just be who you are and don't bring that up

And Two:
Just be your best self, and don't be fearful of the prospect of not getting laid, but rather be optomistic about the potential to get laid

I believe in you brother, stay strong
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
17
Location
San Francisco, USA
This city has always seemed to me to have a very strange culture where if you do not fit in, you are the point of ridicule. I clearly do not fit in and I often feel like an outcast in many ways.

True, I try to avoid publicising it now. I go to weekly meetups, and will go to one this Sunday evening. I am still working on trying not to look shifty, awkward and nervous. But I naturally give off this vibe.

I am planning to move to Europe, hopefully next year. So I hope that women are less judgemental over there. For now, I make do with meetups.

I have dating apps, but I set my OKCupid to random locations, to see how it is over there. For example, in the past month I set it to Singapore, Australia, Norway, Germany and other countries. I got more likes in that month than the whole three or so years I had it set to SF.
 
C

CaptainFlint

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 1, 2019
Messages
84
Location
West Coast U.S.
That's awesome man. Keep trying your luck and you'll find it

But also keep in mind, SF is a huge city with all kinds of people. I promise you there are people out there whod be compatible with you. Just gotta find social groups with people who have similar interests

Whatever you presume about the culture is only a subset of whats out there.

I understand the feeling of feeling inadequate at times. I often felt that way too, but here's the secret; meet someone in a field you're confident in, and you'll be seen as an attractive man and a leader.

Even though I stopped playing a long time ago, I was on varsity table tennis and tennis in college a few years ago. Even though I had my own share of quirks and neuroses, when I was on the court, my confidence came into the light there. And that's how I met my gf

Find your element and you'll shine
 
R

Rea

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
13
Location
The Netherlands
I am glad that non-judgemental women like you exist. Unfortunately where I live, I very rarely encounter someone who thinks like you.

I know Italian to almost C1 level, and when I was in Italy on holiday, based on talking to some women there, they were friendlier than here back home. I do. I do not know much about the dating scene there, or if I would be considered weird. Maybe anywhere I go people find me weird. I would hope that at least I meet more people like you.

I am extremely awkward in dancing. Everyone stares at me because I have problems dancing and doing things in front of other people. Last time I danced was during the annual dance of last year of high school, when I was 17. I froze up and just stood like a rock feeling scared whilst in the dance hall. My dance date just looked at me and she even asked, "What is wrong with you?" because I have big anxiety dancing.

That might be a problem related to Asperger's, but dancing is something that makes me look really weird. I do try to mingle in meetups though. Unfortunately there are very few good ones here.
To be honest, I was thinking that my mindset could not depend entirely only from the fact that I am Italian.
Indeed, I know other Italian girls that have my same opinion but I also know girls that would never date someone with no experience at all.

And, if you end up realizing that you really like Italian women, I think that America is full of first-generation Italian immigrants!

By the way, I would also suggest you to maybe not say to a girl immediately (during the first date), that you are a virgin. It's not that you have to be ashamed of it or you have to hide it, but maybe is better to show other things of your personality first and then you will share such intimate detail of yourself when you will feel more confident.

I currently suffer from anxiety and depression but I never open up about my diagnosis if I date a guy for the first time. I prefer to first spend a little bit of time with him and see first if there is a feeling. Then, only when I feel more comfortable, I start to share my current condition.
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
17
Location
San Francisco, USA
Where I live there are not many Italians. But anyway I am planning very seriously to move to Europe when I can, maybe next year. Italy is on top of the list so far. Maybe things will be different, I hope.

Like CaptainMitch said in the above post, he lives cloes to my city and says that people are more judgemental on sex/relationships compared to other places. You are right that there is a certain percentage of woman in Italy that would not want to go out with me. That is fine, there are many others. Just that here it seems like there are many more women who would not want to be with someone inexperienced.

I have so many other things to be proud of, but a lot of times I am asked, "So what about your past relationships?". I have to dodge the question or answer it straightforwardly. Maybe I reveal too much when asked this. It seems to be part of my awkwardness.
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
17
Location
San Francisco, USA
Sorry I meant CaptainFlint. Not sure how I messed up the name. My brain is not working right now.
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
152
Location
On The Train
I am actually from SF originally and it's an odd place indeed. I don't feel the people in SF represent Americans all that well. I would not go to another country just yet to find a mate. That's a big journey to find that people are sort of the same every where

In a more laid back US city, you could go on a Meetup with a group of like minded people to do an activity with, like hiking or biking or video games or something. There may be a woman in that group who is having a hard time meeting someone with her interests too. You could hit it off.

Or you could go to a nicer dance club. I went to a Texas style dance club and it was just a fun time with friendly fun loving single people. Even taking a cheap cooking class or something at a community college, you could meet someone! There are plenty of places to try. I wish you the best .
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
152
Location
On The Train
Oh I would also like to add, I knew a woman who was 30 and a virgin. She spent her 20s getting her PhD and working all the time. She did not have time to date. She ended up getting married to a lovely man in the end. There may be more people in a similar situation than you think!
 
L

Lundi_Hvalursson

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
17
Location
San Francisco, USA
I am a SF native, born and bred in the city. Yet after all my years here, I simply do not "get" the culture here. I keep hearing about how people do not even meet face-to-face, but rather meet on dating apps. And that men who are not 100% White are basically not considered dating material. That women usually judge men based on their income, their height, their cars and all sorts of superficial things.

Yet having Asperger's/autism and being an older virgin are unacceptable, despite most people here working in tech, and most tech people are men with Asperger's/autism and are more likely to be in similar situations to mine.

I just do not understand how or why people think the way they do here.

I was planning to leave the country and move to Europe anyway, not just to find a girlfriend. But in the meantime I try to make do with dating apps and finding better meetups. It is very hard to find suitable meetups. Most meetups that I attend are over 80% male, i.e. sausagefest events. A foreign language meetup that I attended last year was held in a bar. Despite that, the participants were over 90% male. Sometimes 100% male during some meetups. It seems like more meetup attendees are single males like me. This environment is simply very strange to me.
 
Top