Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old male from San Francisco, California, USA who has never been able to have a girlfriend and am still a virgin despite not wanting to be. I turn 30 in October. Since today is the first day of September, I am naturally quite concerned that I will be turning 30 next month being in this state.

I have always been a shy, introverted, anxious and awkward person. Perhaps I spent too much time studying, focussing my entire life up until my mid-20s on studying. I studied two degrees in university, mathematics and pre-med molecular biology, thus having twice the courseload of a regular student. I neglected my entire social life, and had no dating life to speak of. I spent basically the whole day trying to stay afloat with my studies. My only other serious hobbies were and are introverted activities, such as competitive chess and foreign languages.

When I was around 25 I felt very lonely and sad that I still had never had a girlfriend and was still a virgin. I felt pain knowing that to be a virgin this old as a male is very taboo and looked down upon. I joined meetup groups, met some interesting people, and went on a few dates, but it seemed that women just did not like me.

So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age.

But what really pains me is seeing and hearing comments from women that someone in my situation must be very weird to have always been single and a virgin. Especially since I am not religious, so I am not practising abstinence at all. I just simply ended up this way.

I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni in Britain. But my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable, unattractive and a weird freak due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.
 
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sallimae76

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Real women love a shy man.
 
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goodgollymiss

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Well maybe you could meet someone at a bible study. It's too bad that there arent math meetups or parties
 
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goodgollymiss

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Do you like scientific journals. There are some free online with science direct
 
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goodgollymiss

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Which foreign languages did you try to learn? I had to drop out of Persian class
 
BetaMale

BetaMale

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@Lundi_Hvalursson I'm a 30-year-old virgin if that makes you feel better. At least you know you're not alone.

Do you also have a mental illness? If so, maybe people like us weren't meant to have a girlfriend or children. If you don't have a mental illness, just focus on your career and make enough money to attract a hot girl.
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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An irreligious person attending a bible study would just make them look even more desperate.
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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@Lundi_Hvalursson I'm a 30-year-old virgin if that makes you feel better. At least you know you're not alone.

Do you also have a mental illness? If so, maybe people like us weren't meant to have a girlfriend or children. If you don't have a mental illness, just focus on your career and make enough money to attract a hot girl.
I have social anxiety, generalised anxiety, OCD and depression (but only when things are bad). I very likely have mild Asperger's.

I do not believe that some men are not meant to have girlfriends. I am not someone who gives up. I am sure that there is a path to accomplishing what one wants. It is just that the path is unclear to me, as of right now.
 
toutatis

toutatis

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@Lundi_Hvalursson

It's just a suggestion but perhaps going to a lady of the night might help to break the virgin stigma within you? It could help to take some of the weight off of your shoulders as well, and get the ball rolling with the ladies more. Just a suggestion.

Personally I think there's nothing wrong with being a virgin but obviously you would rather not be one, so, okay.
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Both friends and family have joked to me about this, that they would pay me to fly to Amsterdam and go to the Red Light District and get it over with.

I really would not wish to do this, because of self-esteem issues. To have to resort to that for what most men do for free is soul-crushing in terms of self-esteem.
 
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Malfoy 13

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I'm a 34 and im a virgin so your not alone.
 
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hicks

hicks

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Being introverted and socially anxious is always going to be a huge inhibitor to meeting people and making friends. I think you will find that this situation is common among ASD people. You are certainly not alone.

I think it's pretty bad form that your 'friends' and family have joked about it in this way. Instead of suggesting a trip to Amsterdam, which I would also find quite humiliating, maybe they could try to introduce you to someone for a date?

But these days there are many more ways to meet up with the opposite sex. Much more so than when I was younger. Have you tried dating apps? Many people have met partners this way.
 
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barmcake

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It's just that initial 'getting on the horse' that's the scary bit. Maybe a sex therapist for the initial first time.
If a man is still a virgin, it does not mean there's anything wrong with him which will prevent him from having sex with women forever after. You might end up being a stud muffin or finding it all a bit of a disappointment. Find a way to just do it. Good luck.
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Considered a escort ? seriously if its that much of a big deal just get it out of the way
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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It is not without reason that I do not consider certain people friends anymore.

Regarding family, it is usually aunts, uncles, cousins and other extended family that make fun of me. There is "talk" amongst extended family that I am asexual or severely mentally ill because they say that they "never saw any of my girlfriends," nor am I married. Many of my extended family are from very patriarchal, socially backwards third-world countries where a man with no girlfriend past age 15 is seen as a lesser being, and a single 30 year old male is seen as not a real man.

This year I decided to stop all contact with them, and do not want to ever meet them again like during family get-togethers at Christmas. I only interact with direct family such as my parents. But my parents say that they receive many comments from other family asking if I have mental issues or are asexual.

I am on Bumble, OKCupid and some others since 2015, yet I still have not been able to meet women in person from any app. The city in which I live is known to be particularly hard for men to get dates with women via dating apps. But still, after several years of using apps it does not seem to work. Maybe I use them too sparingly. A few times here and there each week.
 
hicks

hicks

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It is not without reason that I do not consider certain people friends anymore.

Regarding family, it is usually aunts, uncles, cousins and other extended family that make fun of me. There is "talk" amongst extended family that I am asexual or severely mentally ill because they say that they "never saw any of my girlfriends," nor am I married. Many of my extended family are from very patriarchal, socially backwards third-world countries where a man with no girlfriend past age 15 is seen as a lesser being, and a single 30 year old male is seen as not a real man.

This year I decided to stop all contact with them, and do not want to ever meet them again like during family get-togethers at Christmas. I only interact with direct family such as my parents. But my parents say that they receive many comments from other family asking if I have mental issues or are asexual.

I am on Bumble, OKCupid and some others since 2015, yet I still have not been able to meet women in person from any app. The city in which I live is known to be particularly hard for men to get dates with women via dating apps. But still, after several years of using apps it does not seem to work. Maybe I use them too sparingly. A few times here and there each week.
That is extremely sad about your family's attitude, in many ways. It shows complete lack of understanding or empathy to your situation. I don't blame you for detaching yourself from them. I'd do the same. :(

I think it's worth persisting with the app/website approach. I myself found it very difficult to meet up with girls. I didn't like doing the 'normal' dating activities like going to clubs and drinking. And my chosen occupation is 99% men, so meeting women at work was virtually impossible.
In the end I met up with my wife in an artificial way, through a newspaper dating column. Yup, very old skool, but technology wasn't an option in those days. It worked though, because I met someone who was quite similar to me, and we just clicked.
I really hope you can find someone you can be happy with. Don't give up hope. Even looking outside your immediate area might be an option?
 
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BatDuck

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Hi Lundi,
I know it's not easy to do, but try not to dwell on it and concentrate on the good things in your life. It will come when the time is right.

I have a friend I have known since school, who like you, was a single virgin but in his case until he was in his late 30's. He's a very shy guy who just didn't really know how to "be" around women who he didn't know by other means, I guess he had trouble expressing himself. He was also seen as "a bit weird" by a lot of people because he's a bus spotter (spots, photographs and catalogues buses he has seen). He didn't really have a social life either, apart from a few bits he does with people he works with. He was eventually introduced to someone via a bus group/club he had joined a couple of years ago. He now at 39, has partner and a son.

Are you part of any groups, in real life or online, with people who have common interests?
 
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Rea

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Hi Lundi, I am a girl and I have to say that the fact that a 30yo guy is virgin and never had a relationship would not stop me from starting a relationship with him if I like him and I find him interesting.

I met my ex-boyfriend when he was almost 30, he never had a serious relationship and he had maybe just 1 sex experience (our first time was a disaster). But he seemed kind and nice, so I did not care at all about his lack of experience.

The only thing that could worry me is the fact that if a guy that had sex only with me, he may want to try at some point also sex with other women for understanding if is different!

It could be that I think like this because I am Italian and I may have a different education/background from the place where are you from, but to be honest, everyone is different and not all the girls are looking for the same things... For example, I like when guys are a little bit shy, while other friends of mine have a different opinion.

I had sex with just one person (my ex-boyfriend) and I am 28. When I tell this to people, some of them look at me shocked suggesting me to go to a club and find someone for one-night experience...

I find this kind of comments a little bit offensive, but some people have no clue about all the stupid things that they can say with their mouth, so I learned how to live with it.

As other people already told you I would suggest you join some social activities that you like. For example, would you like to learn how to dance salsa? Music can be something really good for people suffering from anxiety and depression. I am following a salsa class right now and is really funny and it gives you the opportunity to have contact with people and also making friends.
 
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