Feeling depressed and disconnected

[SicklyBloom]

I need advice for dealing with depression while living with my family. My mother declared her marriage over after continuous verbal insults. I wouldn't consider my parents marriage abusive, but it's still toxic in many ways. My father is emotionally distant and has a bad relationship with money. Ever since he entered my mother's life, all the decisions were made by him despite my mother having all the credit. I feel robbed of the traditional dad-daughter dynamic, I have never had a stable relationship because of how detached he is. Although, I will admit that I'm closer to my mother. I'm currently 22 and working on getting my life together so I can move out. I feel guilty that I'm still at home because I feel like I should have decided on a career already. My dreams and goals aren't to climb the corporate ladder or get married, I honestly just want to be apart of something big. I've always wanted to have a career that allowed to express myself creatively and collaborate with others. I know it sounds cliché and I can hear the cynical voice telling me I'm useless for wanting that life.

I feel useless and very alone, as if my dreams mean nothing now. I have no idea where I'm heading in life, all I know is that I have nobody to talk to about it. I fear that maybe this life is just a cruel joke and that my optimism is only hurting me more. I just want to know where I'm going and that it's not as bad as it seems. I'm not looking for an easy way out, but rather, a place in this world where I feel worthy. I've gotten to the point where I'm getting sick and tired of labels, the old fashioned categories that people conjure up to create animosity. Why can't we live in a society where learning is a way of life and ideas are the only currency, that honestly sounds like paradise. I feel brain dead being lumped in a position that only isolates me from others with no idea on how to reach out.

Apart of me is afraid of stepping into a job position or making friends because I have no social skills. My misunderstanding of social queues makes it difficult to communicate with anybody, plus I struggle with a low-esteem. I don't know how to balance depression with a emotional distant father and gaining independence altogether. I feel like an idiot for being unconventional and messing up my education. I feel ashamed of having depression because it makes me feel like screw up who needs to shut up.

 

[GeminiMoon]

You sound to me like a creative person with a unique way of looking at the world. That's where forward thinking ideas come from. Sometimes that requires a person to go through unique circumstances. If your life was ordinary.. so.. would you be.. and.. your ideas.

Not putting yourself in a box is very intelligent. At the same time it doesn't give you the comfort that boxes provide. That uncertainty though gives you freedom to dream. I read a quote that said "If we knew the future there would be no point in doing it." This is YOUR life to create your own vision for the world.

For social skills you could try a small volunteer job. Something with no pressure. As you loosen up you might find you are better at it than you think you are. Or just say "I'm socially original. If you don't like it: Deal with it."

 

[johnny B]

Hi,
you sound like a very intelligent person and you are a deep thinker, reflecting on your relationships which shows a level of maturity beyond your years.
we all need support from time to time, I do now and I’m 57. I was raised to be very humble and without the loving relationship I needed with my parents, they just weren’t like that. Unfortunately you can’t choose your parents.
So I can relate a little to how you feel. Your dreams and aspirations are not worthless, go and pursue them. I did a degree at age 40+ and had amazing career, so you have plenty of time.
I think you are frustrated because you have a lot of intelligence and creativity and not able to express. Try and think what you you enjoy most and seek opportunities that will suit that.
social skills are learnt by socialising, so be brave, you sound a very interesting person, just remember people love talking about themselves, so give them opportunity to do that when you speak with them, even in small chat and they will want to talk with you more often. Small steps and hopefully you will feel better. Best of luck and don’t doubt yourself

 

[OmniscientNihilist]

Why can't we live in a society where learning is a way of life and ideas are the only currency, that honestly sounds like paradise.

because were not disembodied intellects. the intellect is just the tip of the iceberg of nature. it has fancy ideas of being independent but doesnt realize its standing on the back of older more carnal things. like mammalian emotions and reptilian chemistry.

 

[SicklyBloom]

because were not disembodied intellects. the intellect is just the tip of the iceberg of nature. it has fancy ideas of being independent but doesnt realize its standing on the back of older more carnal things. like mammalian emotions and reptilian chemistry.

I don't know what this means or what you're hoping to accomplish, but I don't find it helpful.

 

[OmniscientNihilist]

I don't know what this means or what you're hoping to accomplish, but I don't find it helpful.

its why idealism doesnt work. because underneath our ideals we are animals. and thats not a bad thing. its something we need to recognize and deal with appropriately so we can at least have some ideals that will work.

 

[RosenBriar15]

Hi, I honestly understand where you are coming from. I struggle with some of the same thoughts myself. I struggle with low self esteem and feelings of uselessness as well. I feel like, especially in this unique age, I have royally messed up my education and am just causing problems for people around me.
But because of my own experiences with it I believe there is still hope. Your dreams and opinions do matter because there is always going to be someone out there willing and wanting to listen. That’s what we find here after all. A place to speak our minds with like-minded individuals who understand the importance of sharing thoughts and ideas. Coming to forums like this is a good way to understand our own world views from a different lens that could help us improve ourselves.

 

[johnny B]

Not sure about the reptile, mammal brain thing, without intellect, dreams and aspirations man wouldn’t have evolved the way he has.

Keep dreaming and be the best you can, be kind to others and yourself BUT never stop dreaming for good things

 

[RosenBriar15]

For social skills you could try a small volunteer job. Something with no pressure. As you loosen up you might find you are better at it than you think you are.

This is such an interesting and effective idea! It is so important to gain confidence by proving to yourself that you are capable. Thank you for sharing this!

 

[glummybark]

Hi, there!

Don't worry, SicklyBloom, I share your dreams. For some people, corporate ladders and marriage just aren't what makes them happy. I also don't have social skills, but I managed to get a job and I'd like to think I'm doing okay in the social front. I think, what's important is that you are willing to learn. What GeminiMoon said about trying volunteer job is a good idea. For social skills, really, you just had to jump into the water and see where you go from there.

Believe me, you are not useless. Just take the first step

Willingness to learn will breed questions, and to find answers, you either have to ask other people or find it yourself. But, hey, you're here asking us in the forums! You're doing good!