feeling bad after years of being okay

[greenstar]

Hi, this is my first post on here. Sorry it's not very cheerful, I imagine you're all dealing with issues and might not need to hear about mine. Just writing to get it out really. Hope I haven't broken any forum rules or anything.

I've had episodes of depression (with some self harming, but not really serious stuff) in the past, the last time I took antidepressants was about 12 years ago, and I thought it was behind me. The last few years I've felt more confident than I ever used to, able to handle pretty much anything, find ways to think round problems and make my own happiness. I really felt like I could achieve things and make things work, which I'd never felt before. I felt like a capable person and full of life.

In the last couple of weeks I've crashed right back down into it and I feel terrible. Much more sudden than before, there have been difficult issues over the last few months but I felt like I was coping with those, then one thing (a break up from something that wasn't even a full-on relationship) just whipped everything out from under me and now I don't know how to get through every day. I know it's quick but the feelings are familiar from when I felt at my worst before. I'd forgotten what this felt like, when there's nothing in any area of life that has any appeal, I can hardly eat or speak to people (apart from long talks with a couple of close friends which consist of me going over and over the same stuff). I know from the past that I've been this low and things have got better, but that doesn't seem relevant to me now, I cannot see any way to begin to feel happy or interested in anything. Can't imagine any way to feel anything other than like this, just waiting for minutes and hours and days to pass for no reason.

I started taking fluoxetine a few days ago, I recognised the feelings weren't going to start shifting any time soon. I didn't want to take it because I've managed without for so long but I hoped if I caught things quickly maybe it would just be a short lived thing. I don't know though. Can't see how it could be.

It's really thrown me, how easily I fell back into this, and made me feel that all the strength I'd been feeling in the last few years was really shaky. I can't believe I suddenly feel like this again after one bad thing happening when normally I can handle things like that.

I just wanted to write stuff down really, and see who's out there. Just don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.

 

[Mad Chick]

Things can only get better

Hi Greenstar,
I just joined this forum recently in the past few weeks and it has really helped me. I needed some advice and peoples experiences to help me through a very difficult withdrawl period from some medication and quite a few people were really helpful and encouraging.
Its always horrid to feel that you've slipped down that tunnel again but every tunnel has an end and you WILL make it through this time as you've done before.
I've been in some pretty long and awful tunnels in the many years I've suffered from depression but the thing that keeps me going now is the sure and certain knowledge that I will come out the other side(wether thats down to meds, inner strength or just shear bloody mindedness) because I will not be beaten by this illness!! and nor will you. Hold on and keep fighting.

 

[Adi01]

Greenstar, the relationship clearly took more out of you than you thought. Its not bad too feel down after a decent relationship so i fully understand. The good thing is that you recognise the same symptons from last time. You cant beat experience so you are dealing with it. Youve got yourself ofto the docs and got antidepressants. This maybe a blow to your ego but its the right thing to do. It will get better for you!! Good luck

 

[DELATEXT]

GOOD LUCK ! YOU WILL HOPEFULLY LOOK BACK ON THIS IN TIME,MEANWHILE JUST TAKE SMALL STEPS YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH...

 

[greenstar]

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate your time and thoughts. It helps knowing other people know how this feels, although of course I don't like the idea of anyone else feeling like this.

Adi01 I think you're right about the relationship taking more out of me than I realised. I didn't think I'd be this upset over it as it wasn't a really serious thing on the surface, though it was something special and there were real feelings involved. It just keeps hitting me all day every day. I really hope the fluoxetine kicks in soon.

Thanks Mad Chick, I don't feel like I've got much fight at the moment. At that stage where I can't imagine an end to the tunnel, but it helps to be reminded there is. I hope you're doing okay with the withdrawal.

I'm dreading work this week because I have to pretend everything's okay and people will ask me if I had a nice weekend and it's really hard acting normal in front of people.The last 2 weeks have been such a struggle and I feel worse now. I'm worried I'll fall to pieces there. Even just getting myself there feels impossible. Will try the small steps Delatext, might help to try and break up the day.

 

[DELATEXT]

Yes one little bit at a time, works, do not overload your mind, be gentle and easy hope you get through it !!

 

[greenstar]

Thanks,
feeling terrible today, mornings and evenings have been the worst, head swimming and feel sick and shaky, as well as feeling so horribly low.
Been trying to find out a bit about what caused things to end with the guy I was kind of seeing as it was so sudden, but have ended up even more baffled by why things ended. That makes things harder as I can't tell how things will be between us and whether they're likely to return. I don't normally get messed up like this over people, especially fairly lighthearted things like this was. It's really knocked me off my feet. I think the other things I've been dealing with in the last few months must have made me more fragile than I thought and this break-up's just sent me falling.

So hard to know what to do and how to keep getting through the days.