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Feeling alone

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LollipopsandDaisies

Member
Joined
Dec 4, 2018
Messages
7
I feel so different to everyone.. Ive been trying to date and find a relationship for a long while now.. I know Im just far to intense for the mass majority.. Im scared Im going to be alone forever.. Ive tried holding back but my emotions are so tense theres no hiding them.. So just promised myself id allow myself to be myself which to be honest has just proven to me that Im some sort of target for 'bad' men.. within given the chance i know i could be amazing for someone but i just feel defeated now like im not good enough for anyone.. the last guy I was seeing told me he wanted to cool it off because hes not sure he wants a relationship a couple of weeks later hes with someone.. all loved up and happy.. what am I doing thats so repulsive?
 
somedaymaybe

somedaymaybe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
227
Location
Australia
I feel so different to everyone.. Ive been trying to date and find a relationship for a long while now.. I know Im just far to intense for the mass majority.. Im scared Im going to be alone forever.. Ive tried holding back but my emotions are so tense theres no hiding them.. So just promised myself id allow myself to be myself which to be honest has just proven to me that Im some sort of target for 'bad' men.. within given the chance i know i could be amazing for someone but i just feel defeated now like im not good enough for anyone.. the last guy I was seeing told me he wanted to cool it off because hes not sure he wants a relationship a couple of weeks later hes with someone.. all loved up and happy.. what am I doing thats so repulsive?
You won't be alone forever. No one ever is, unless they choose to be for whatever reason. You're not choosing to be, based on what you've said. It's good you are going out and trying to date, but I've always said that trying to force things to happen often ends up with negative results. We can't sit around and wait for things to happen, but there's got to be a healthy balance of too little and too much. Even if you are intense, it doesn't mean someone isn't going to enjoy that about you. And this man that cooled things off only to end up with someone else? Maybe he did end things with you because he wasn't ready for a relationship, but things change, sometimes really quickly, and he could have met someone who was right enough for him to give a relationship a chance. You two just weren't mean to be, and that's okay; there will be someone out there who will be willing to enter a relationship and take a chance. Just be patient, and in the meantime focus on yourself and your well-being. Don't define your life around meeting someone; live your life and the rest with follow. :)
 
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LollipopsandDaisies

Member
Joined
Dec 4, 2018
Messages
7
Thank you. See I already know all this. Just sometimes I get so overwhelmed with fear I just forget.. and also forget feelings are just temporary.. there just so intense at the time it feels like theres no hope..
 
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Pairou

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 3, 2018
Messages
116
Location
United States
Thank you. See I already know all this. Just sometimes I get so overwhelmed with fear I just forget.. and also forget feelings are just temporary.. there just so intense at the time it feels like theres no hope..
Every time I found someone I liked enough to date, I wasn't looking for anything. I met my wife on a mental health forum; a past boyfriend overseas in a language school; etc.

Some people will be drawn to you who want to use you, yes. It's happened to me as well. But there are wonderful people out there looking for someone just like you! Don't try to force anything. Also if you feel you are having trouble controlling your intensity, I'd get a DBT Workbook if you haven't already (I forget who wrote the one that helped me, it had a green cover).
 
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froggymom

Active member
Joined
Jul 24, 2017
Messages
29
It's true that sometimes the more we try at a relationship the more we put people off. I've done that. Try to focus on just going out to make friends and have a good time. Don't look for a committed relationship, just a friendship. Allow a relationship to develop naturally. It usually works out better that way.
 
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LollipopsandDaisies

Member
Joined
Dec 4, 2018
Messages
7
Thank you guys. I will try and remember all this..
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
458
Hi LollipopsandDaisies, your statement about intensity of emotion struck me strongly... so happy you posted. My family wants me to get married and have kids but I am 35 so I don't have much time... I am female like you so I need to find someone pretty quickly if I want to have kids.

In my case I also make people run away because I latch on too quickly, both in romantic and platonic relationships. I would love to have a boyfriend but in the meantime I am having enough trouble getting replies and interaction and attention and feedback from my volunteer boss and friends and old coworkers.

I am so happy I found this site... intense emotions and hair trigger sensitivity have been so hard on me. I hope that I find more people to talk to and the loneliness and being a burden on my normal friends goes down.

I am always messaging them with my insecurities and even my most reliable friends are not replying as often as they used to, in part if I have rejected them romantically and or they are in a relationship.
 
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LollipopsandDaisies

Member
Joined
Dec 4, 2018
Messages
7
Its really difficult isnt it.. especially when you need the help and it feels like everyones scattering away when you need them most.. maybe its in our heads that we are being a burden? Maybe they want to help but they are busy with their own things but because emotions are so intense it makes me feel personally like my world is crumbling around me.. and because people dont know how harsh feelings are to someone with bpd they dont realise how desperate we are feeling.. sometimes its easier to talk to strangers or maybe a counsellor? I understand the intense feelings youre not alone though. Dont give up theres someone out there for everyone.. and i know your parents just want the best for you but maybe just tell them you want the same thing to but the pressure from them is making it more difficult. I hope you do find someone soon.. til then try and look after yourself the best you can.. the comments on this post eased me a little they are worth a read.. have you tried dbt? Apparently they was designed originally for people with bpd worth looking into.. im sorry if i wasnt much help.. bpd (obsessive helpers) but very special loving people and you deserve to be loved remind yourself of that 😊 theres someone out there that will love you for all that you are.. have faith x
 
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Pairou

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 3, 2018
Messages
116
Location
United States
Qwerty, you aren't running out of time!

The more I pull, the further people go. Give them a breather, we can be so so intense... Let them have some space and then try again.
 
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