Feeling abandoned

Lostinthestatic

Lostinthestatic

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2019
Messages
144
Location
New york
#1
Hello, just found this forum and thought it would be a good place to feel a sense of community and support.

I was diagnosed with depressive disorder with anxious distress and “psychogenic rumination”. I don’t fully understand what that means and I only saw a therapist very briefly, too brief to fully understand my mental health landscape.

I believe my partner is going to leave me. I believe they have given up on me. I believe my destructive, self-sabotaging tendencies have forced him to abandon me. He tried so hard to be with me. He tried. I feel worthless. I feel like an emotional abuser. I left him countless times. Found others. Went back to him desperately. Pathetically trying to avoid his hate but he says he doesn’t think he loves me anymore. I have no self-worth I am trying so hard to read into dbt and cbt because I don’t have a therapist right now to guide me. I need to get one but in the meantime I don’t want to feel so alone. I feel abandoned but I was the one who abandoned him and gave up on the relationship. He feels played with. It’s all my fault. I feel crazy.

Sometimes I treated him like I hated him. Because we disagreed on certain things. Sometimes I resented him so much I treated him like I didn’t love him. I regret it so much. I don’t know why I’m like this. I miss him.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I feel so lost and alone.
 
ReverieAnxiety

ReverieAnxiety

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 3, 2019
Messages
331
Location
California, USA
#2
Hello Lostinthestatic!

I'm also new here and joined for the same reason as you. I'm so sorry about your situation and there is no easy fix. We've all done some questionable things our lives that we aren't proud of and that we may hate ourselves for. But, you don't seem like a bad person. I don't get the feeling that you've meant to hurt your boyfriend. I think you're hurt. I'm in a relationship myself and my insecurities from being neglected and abandoned does manifest and cause some trouble. But, know that it's not your fault. No one asks to live to depressive disorder or "psychogenic rumination" (my first time hearing it too!) and have their life be inflamed with turmoil. I don't think I can say enough words to comfort you. But, do know that I'm here for you if you ever need to talk and that no matter how bad life may seem to be, things can get better. Please let me know how you're doing and show as much love to yourself as you can. Whether you believe you or worthy or not, put in some effort to be kind to yourself.

Here are a couple youtube videos of Susan Anderson, a psychotherapist who talks about abandonment that I listened to that helped me understand my self a little better. It's a little lengthy, but the help it gave me was tremendous.



-Reverie
 
Lostinthestatic

Lostinthestatic

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2019
Messages
144
Location
New york
#3
Hello Lostinthestatic!

I'm also new here and joined for the same reason as you. I'm so sorry about your situation and there is no easy fix. We've all done some questionable things our lives that we aren't proud of and that we may hate ourselves for. But, you don't seem like a bad person. I don't get the feeling that you've meant to hurt your boyfriend. I think you're hurt. I'm in a relationship myself and my insecurities from being neglected and abandoned does manifest and cause some trouble. But, know that it's not your fault. No one asks to live to depressive disorder or "psychogenic rumination" (my first time hearing it too!) and have their life be inflamed with turmoil. I don't think I can say enough words to comfort you. But, do know that I'm here for you if you ever need to talk and that no matter how bad life may seem to be, things can get better. Please let me know how you're doing and show as much love to yourself as you can. Whether you believe you or worthy or not, put in some effort to be kind to yourself.

Here are a couple youtube videos of Susan Anderson, a psychotherapist who talks about abandonment that I listened to that helped me understand my self a little better. It's a little lengthy, but the help it gave me was tremendous.



-Reverie
Thank you for your response, I appreciate your support and I wish you the best as well. Thank you for these resources! I’m always looking for information to help ease my anxieties and worries, and give me hope.

I’m trying my best, as I’m sure you are, as we all are.

Much love xx
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
824
Location
Minnesota, USA
#4
Hi and welcome to the forum. I am sorry that you are struggling. Depression and anxiety make us do things that we are not aware of at the time we do them. Don’t be too hard on yourself. The feeling of guilt is not going to help you and it’s only going to make your situation worse.

Try to get in with your doctor again and spend enough time to fully understand your diagnoses.
Does your partner know what you’re dealing with?

Don’t give up and be strong. Always keep a positive spirit and mood even if it doesn’t feel that way. Force yourself to be positive.

I hope you feel better soon.
 
Lostinthestatic

Lostinthestatic

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2019
Messages
144
Location
New york
#6
Hey Lostinthestatic!

Were you able to watch the videos I sent you?

-Reverie
Hello, I started watching the first one this morning when I woke up, and so far I greatly appreciate both how calming it is to listen to, and the fact that it is easing that feeling of guilt I have for the moment. I do feel like I’m not alone right now, and while deep down I know my anxiety will come back for me, I’m trying to learn to cherish moments like this. Again, thank you for the resources xx
 
Lostinthestatic

Lostinthestatic

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2019
Messages
144
Location
New york
#7
Hi and welcome to the forum. I am sorry that you are struggling. Depression and anxiety make us do things that we are not aware of at the time we do them. Don’t be too hard on yourself. The feeling of guilt is not going to help you and it’s only going to make your situation worse.

Try to get in with your doctor again and spend enough time to fully understand your diagnoses.
Does your partner know what you’re dealing with?

Don’t give up and be strong. Always keep a positive spirit and mood even if it doesn’t feel that way. Force yourself to be positive.

I hope you feel better soon.
He does know, but in his very hurt state of mind he does not consider it a factor, and I believe he doesn’t take it seriously as a factor. He says he is constantly torn between feeling like I left him and slept with others to spite him because I hate him, and feeling like we can make it work and that I can change my behaviors for the better. I have not reminded him that I’m mentally ill by using those words but I always try to tell him the root causes of my anxieties and decision making, even if it is rooted in irrationality. He only sees the irrationality most of the time, and believes I’m lying and hiding things from him (because I have done so before).

This makes me doubt that we can truly make things work. He has made mistakes during our years together that hurt me but it was never disloyalty or breaking my trust, it was things he did realize he was wrong about.

Now he feels so hurt he thinks less of my feelings, he feels like those years were wasted and that he will never be enough for me, because he loved me as hard as he could and prioritized my heart, but didn’t receive it in return and felt insecure.

I’m also torn. Sometimes I think he doesn’t consider my feelings as valid at all. It is difficult to reason with him now. I try to remain understanding that he is reacting out of his very real feelings of hurt and deep down, fear of abandonment too because he feels like I will leave him again even if we do try to make it work.

But when we are not in each other’s company, he finds it difficult to be loving, assuming I’m being unfaithful when he’s away, not talking to me for a day or two at a time .....

Sometimes I feel like the villain, sometimes I feel like he’s a villain, and I find it hard to see the middle ground.

I do not want to give up on this relationship. I feel like he has been my biggest strength during my weakest moments. But now I feel as though he doesn’t respect me. He wanes back and forth between even feeling like I deserve respect. It’s hard to keep hope. I don’t want him to feel like I’m giving up again. I just give him the option. If you truly cannot trust me, you don’t have to choose to be with me.

But he is so torn. It has been months since we tried to be back together, months of tenseness, hot and cold.
 
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