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Feeling a million miles away from normal

C

Crispie

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Today was so tough, sometimes I dont know how im ever going to get better.

My wife needed to go to Tescos I said id go with her for the drive but when we got there instead of waiting in car I decided to try and be brave and go in with her. My anxiety skyrocketed and I ended up in the clothing aisle having a full on attack. Trembling, heavy chest and breathing, fuzzy head just the thought of people staring at me judging me.

It was such a bad idea it was busy noisy and i was just overwhelmed and fell apart. Wife helped me get to the exit and I motored back to the car while the wife finished the shopping and broke down in tears in the car on my own and carried out minor SH to just get rid of the feeling of being out of my depth.

These last couple of months have been so hard, im on sertraline and waiting for therapy and although I can acknowledge I have made baby steps it just feels impossible at times. Got home and was physically and emotionally drained spent the rest of the day curled on the sofa under my weighted blanket.

Currently signed off work and I am so lucky that they are paying me in full whilst im off and have told me to take as much time as I need they have been incredibly supportive so I dont have major worries about work which is one thing even though I feel guilty every day and that I feel I am letting the team down.

Just needed to share my heads just done today 😔
 
EverybodyHurts

EverybodyHurts

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So sorry that you had a bad day. I really struggle with supermarkets so can understand how you feel.
One thing you should take from this is that you did try though. It IS brave to face our fears. It may not always work out, but it's better than giving up and not trying at all.
It's also really good to hear that you have supportive employers.
 
Karmaman

Karmaman

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I can completely understand what you're saying. I've been dealing with this kind of thing for years. Hypervigilant certain situations and just wanting to get away.
 
C

Crispie

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So sorry that you had a bad day. I really struggle with supermarkets so can understand how you feel.
One thing you should take from this is that you did try though. It IS brave to face our fears. It may not always work out, but it's better than giving up and not trying at all.
It's also really good to hear that you have supportive employers.
You are right I just constantly have a hard time thinking of positives and seem to always lean to overthinking the negatives of everything. I use to be the one that was there for everyone, the rock, the one who took the weight but since the breakdown I just feel like a shadow of my old self
 
C

Crispie

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Messages
31
Location
England
I can completely understand what you're saying. I've been dealing with this kind of thing for years. Hypervigilantin certain situations and just wanting to get away.
Its like my mind has already gone through every possible outcome before I get out. I am now in a position where I feel uneasy just walking down the street, constantly scanning for people cant make eye contact with anyone, head down headphones in and drown out the world. Always worried about who I might bump into, how people see me, what people are saying about me.
 
Karmaman

Karmaman

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Its like my mind has already gone through of every possible outcome before I get out. I am now in a position where I feel uneasy just walking down the street, constantly scanning for people cant make eye contact with anyone, head down headphones in and drown out the world. Always worried about who I might bump into, how people see me, what people are saying about me.
I hear you...when it gets bad like that even walking down the streets, making eyes contact continually on alert, feeling paranoid.
I know it is irrational thinking but it's a hard one to deal with...If this has only recently started I would suggest keep putting yourself out of your comfort zone, try distraction techniques, concentrate on your breathing etc.
 
C

Crispie

Active member
Joined
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Messages
31
Location
England
I hear you...when it gets bad like that even walking down the streets, making eyes contact continually on alert, feeling paranoid.
I know it is irrational thinking but it's a hard one to deal with...If this has only recently started I would suggest keep putting yourself out of your comfort zone, try distraction techniques, concentrate on your breathing etc.
I was actually online this evening looking for ideas. Planning to put together a crisis kit, stuff I can have in my bag if I feel myself going, nintendo switch, headphones, mindfullness colouring, chocolate etc. I guess I do need to start understanding my condition and being able to step away at times to bring myself back down. This is all really new to me so just trying anything, thankfully was told about the forum and you have all been amazing
 
EverybodyHurts

EverybodyHurts

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You are right I just constantly have a hard time thinking of positives and seem to always lean to overthinking the negatives of everything. I use to be the one that was there for everyone, the rock, the one who took the weight but since the breakdown I just feel like a shadow of my old self
I can understand that. You get to the point where your panicking about panicking! Going over worst-case scenarios in your head, worrying about every little detail. A support worker used to say to me "don't think, just do". "Easy for you to say" I would think, but she meant that if you linger over everything you're about to do in your mind before you do it, you're already starting out on a negative foot.
Another thing I do is best myself up whenever I fail, and it sounds as if you do the same thing. If I have a panic attack I feel like I'm stupid, weak and useless. But I'm not. And neither are you. We're carrying a heavy weight, but we're doing the best we can. The best our minds will allow right now.
 
EverybodyHurts

EverybodyHurts

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Messages
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I can understand that. You get to the point where your panicking about panicking! Going over worst-case scenarios in your head, worrying about every little detail. A support worker used to say to me "don't think, just do". "Easy for you to say" I would think, but she meant that if you linger over everything you're about to do in your mind before you do it, you're already starting out on a negative foot.
Another thing I do is best myself up whenever I fail, and it sounds as if you do the same thing. If I have a panic attack I feel like I'm stupid, weak and useless. But I'm not. And neither are you. We're carrying a heavy weight, but we're doing the best we can. The best our minds will allow right now.
BEAT myself up, not best myself up. Although I wish it was the latter!
 
C

Crispie

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31
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England
BEAT myself up, not best myself up. Although I wish it was the latter!
See that what we should be doing lol best ourselves up tell ourselves the good we have done, like attempting to do something is a massive step especially when all we want to do is hide from the world.
 
C

Crispie

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England
Right going to try and get some rest thanks for being about really appreciate it night all
 
EverybodyHurts

EverybodyHurts

Well-known member
Joined
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Messages
604
Location
Bucks
See that what we should be doing lol best ourselves up tell ourselves the good we have done, like attempting to do something is a massive step especially when all we want to do is hide from the world.
Absolutely! A friend of mine who has depression said that being brave for him is sometimes as simple as getting up in the morning. It's all relative I guess.
 
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