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Feeling a bit too inadequate to even say hello, but i’ll try

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Miss piggy

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
39
Hi there. I’m really struggling at the moment. I have bipolar type two and I’ve relapsed into a very dark depression. Comments have been made towards me by people I cared about blaming me for it because I don’t go to the gym. Ive been in my bedroom for quite a few months now. They don’t know that. I feel guilty now and weak and even worse.

Not really sure if the etiquette or how much I should post here. But I thought maybe this could help me feel less alone.

Thanks in advance x
 
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norrsken

Member
Joined
Dec 31, 2018
Messages
6
Hi Miss piggy and a warm welcome,

I'm sorry you're struggling, I hope you'll find support here!
 
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Dulcie

Guest
Welcome Miss piggy to the forum. MH is friendly, its members and staff caring. You can be yourself here, too. Enjoy your time with us. :)
 
Topcat

Topcat

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 8, 2018
Messages
2,442
Hi Miss Piggy, sorry you are struggling. A few months shut away is a long time, do you have support at home?
And :welcome: x
 
TiredTina

TiredTina

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jul 21, 2010
Messages
32,381
Location
West Sussex, England
:welcome: to the forum. If it was as easy as going to the gym none of us would be ill :scratcheshead:
 
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Miss piggy

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
39
To be myself and still accepted would be a relief at the moment. I worked in mental
health for 12 years and left due to, well, mum had cancer again and I couldn’t go back to caring for others yet and work wanted me back then and there. Luckily I was already off work sick in a depressive episode so I was around to nurse mum until she died. Which was two weeks after we found out she’d got it again. It was all very fast and traumatic. She’d had throat cancer a couple of years earlier and I cared for her through that, then she broke her hip so when I came out of psychiatric hospital I cared for her again. When she had pain in her back she thought it was to do with the hip surgery. It wasn’t. It was in her liver. She died two weeks after diagnosis. I suspect I may have ptsd from it. I can still hear the screaming and moaning when I close my eyes at night, not from the ends days, but as the situation worsened.

I’m really a big mess inside. It’s only become noticeable to others because recently I’ve started back with the panic attacks. There was an incident recently in the street where I was upset and a passer by took me into the church. I’m not religious. But I thought it was very kind. I can’t actually remember what I was saying now though, it’s all a bit of an embarrassing blur.

Someone told me this week that I’m to blame for my depression and bipolar because I don’t go to the gym. He insinuated that if I die, it’s kinda my own fault. I’m devestated. I’ve been on and off medication for over 20 years now. I had to leave uni because I became aggoraphobic. And panic attacks started just after. Sometimes I faint with them now. It’s scary.

I have a decent doctor. I went private in the end because I couldn’t wait any longer for an appointment with the doctor within the mh service I was attributed to. Four months when you’re suicidal is a dangerously long time.

Stupidly I came off my antipsychotics and antidepressants earlier last year. I listened to some bad advice. I’ve gone back on them recently, duloxetine, aripiprazole, but I think the words of I’m to blame are gonna stay with me for quite some time.
 
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Miss piggy

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
39
Not really no. Dad died too. And I don’t have a relationship with other family members. I do have a few good friends. And the check in on me. I’m often FaceTiming people and such, just don’t feel able to function beyond that at the moment
 
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Miss piggy

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
39
Haha this is so true. I know that deep down. I’ve tried all sorts over the years. I think when someone is sure of what they’re saying though and strong characters, I’m too ill to trust myself over them.
 
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goodgollymiss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2017
Messages
406
Wow. You're so smart! Thanks for working with mental health
 
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Miss piggy

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
39
I loved it. Peoples stories are so interesting. It’s funny, I never felt anxious supporting others in activities and often was doing graded exposure with things that I couldn’t even do alone myself. I’m currentky in pharmacy (well I’m off sick) but hope to go back to that kind of work in the future.
 
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goodgollymiss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2017
Messages
406
People were so nice to me when I was In the hospital. They must hire sensitive individuals and I really needed their help at the time. I guess you had to take some gentle persuasion courses and must have a lot of insight
 
Tired Daisy

Tired Daisy

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 30, 2016
Messages
12,141
Location
5,437 miles from Hollywood
I loved it. Peoples stories are so interesting. It’s funny, I never felt anxious supporting others in activities and often was doing graded exposure with things that I couldn’t even do alone myself. I’m currentky in pharmacy (well I’m off sick) but hope to go back to that kind of work in the future.
I like hearing about peoples stories from the past I find lots of old stuff and I always wonder who used them and the stories behind the objects but also the stories behind the people who used them and of course I don't often hear about but sometimes when I hold a very old object I can get things from it.
 
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Miss piggy

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
39
The only real course I took was a community mental health course. It was interesting enough, but not much help for when you were on the front line. I do think insight is invaluable, and it certainly helped me to navigate others fears and Illnesses and compassion felt natural because obviously I know what darkness and other types of suffering feel like. In the end the service became very target led, and not the personable qualitative care I know I’d want from my support worker (not that I have one. Think it’s only a matter of time before I need the input though). Pharmacy dispensing is fine, it’s kinda mindless, which is what I probably need, for now. It’s funny because when I’m hypomanic I get ideas of trying another degree, then I crash and need support to leave the house. I can literally see both sides of a spectrum. A clear focussed, fast thinking mind, and then a dark sludgy slow confused one too. Feels bizarre and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Mental illness sucks ass
 
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Miss piggy

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
39
Oh yes me too! Vibrations and energy or something. I’m sure there’s a scientific reason for this and it’s just not yet been discovered. I was looking at old buildings I passed and wondering who’s hands had touched the bricks 🤔
 
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